How do you know you are in an abusive relationship?

Suicide Squad came out and my Facebook feed is filled with romanticization of Harley Quinn and The Jokers relationship. Yes it is fictional, but the relationship dynamic is something that hits home with many people.

I have been in abusive relationships before, with friends, with family and with partners. When I attended college I was interested in psychology and human sexuality courses, I continued to study it outside of college. I think its important for people to know the signs of abuse. It can be hard to see the signs from an internal perspective. I wanted to cover a couple questions to grasp the idea of abuse and what it -might- be like to be a victim of abuse. Sources will be linked on the bottom, most of this is already in my head, but I needed help to answer some questions.

What is emotional abuse and what are the signs?

Emotional abuse does not leave physical marks but can be detrimental to self confidence and self esteem. According to newer studies emotional abuse effects men and women almost equally. Emotional abuse is harder to recognize as wrong. In the blindfold of love we like to okay our partners actions and words. Well they were stressed, they are mentally ill, they love me, they bought me a necklace afterwards. People who are in abusive relationships might not see the abusive patterns, even go as far as ignoring friends and families concerns. It includes, name calling, humiliation, manipulation, threatening, and constant criticism.

Some signs of emotional abuse:

• They humiliate you, put you down in front of others
• They blame their unhappiness on you
• They treat you like a child or become upset when they are not in control
• They check your phone, emails, texts, and harass you over contacting others. Cutting contact with your family, friends, or anyone really
• You have to ask for permission to leave your house or to buy something
• They control your money
• They are emotionally unavailable
• They force you to loose weight or modify your body to their desires
• They share personal information about you
• They call you names or make you feel worthless, unimportant, any attempt to belittle you and gain control

What is physical abuse and what are the signs?

Physical abuse is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint. Physical abuse is easier to see, but as well as emotional abuse, victims will excuse the behavior.

Physical Signs:

• Rope marks
• Burns from water or chemicals
• Sprains, broken bones, fractures
• Bruising on the arms, inner thighs, upper arms, or large surface area bruises
• Bite marks
• Hair loss or tooth decay (from starvation or hair pulling)
• Forcing sexual acts
• Throwing stuff at you

Warning Signs:

• Mood swings
• Possessiveness
• Explosive temper
• Checking phone or email without permission
• Stalking social media
• Extreme jealousy to the point of controlling your actions or friends
• Throwing objects, slamming doors, punching walls

A really useful online tool is this Power and Control wheel, that breaks down abusive relationships

Who can be an abuser and can they get help?

Anyone can be an abuser. Male, Female, any gender. It can be your mom, your sister, your best friend, your partner, your father, your teacher, anyone can be an abuser. Can abusers get help? This is a tricky question because there is so much different perspectives and severity. If the person deep down wants to change and DAY ONE the begin changing there might be a chance, but therapy is a very good idea to help navigate what is healthy behavior and what is not.

I use to be emotional abusive which might have been influence from my mental disorder, my childhood abuse, and my first relationship being abusive. None of this is an excuse, I had no right to misplace my anger into my partners, I have apologized to everyone I have hurt and I am getting help for my mental disorder/abusive patterns. It took me years to get here and I am here to share my story to encourage others to get help.
In my opinion, if your partner is physically abusive, do not try to change them, encourage them to get help, and distance yourself. Physical violence is too unpredictable for me to say try and fix it.

The steps abusers should take to be on the road to recovery are:

• Admit fully to what they have done
• Stop making excuses and blaming
• Make amends
• Identifying behaviors
• Identifying triggers, attitudes or other items that drive their abuse (drugs, alcohol, past abuse)
• Overcoming abusiveness can take years and you will not be "cured" in a week
• Develop kind and supportive behaviors
• Carry their weight in the relationship
• Changing how they react in heated situations

How common is it for victims relive their abuse?

Very common. Repetition compulsion is the proper term for the phenomenon. In this victims will repeat traumatic events or its circumstances over and over. This includes reenacting the event/relationship or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen. Victims of child abuser are more common to remain in abusive relationships. According to Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk, victims of rape are more likely to be raped and women who were physically or sexually abused as children are more likely to be abused as adults. Most victims don't even know they are being abused.

How can I help someone who is being abused or what do I do if I am being abused?

For yourself
For someone else

How has abusive relationships effected me, personally?

Some people who have never experienced abuse don't seem to grasp how painful and dehumanizing it. It can take decades to accomplish a "normal" mind after being a victim of abuse. My mother abused me as a child and well into my adult life. She controlled every aspect of my life, she called me names and insulted me over everything, she forced her religion onto me, she physically beat me and restrained me, she shoved soap down my mouth, she slammed me into walls, man I could keep going. When I got older the physical abused stopped, she was also no longer on drugs or drinking at that time. She still emotionally manipulated me.

My next abusive relationship was with my first long term boyfriend. He emotionally manipulated me, coerced me into sexual acts, humiliated me in front of others, and forced me to watch insanely inappropriate videos and photos.

This abuse has caused me multiple issues over my life time. I had issues forming healthy relationships, I was depressed, self harmed, self medicated, I had little to no self esteem, I had issues sexually preforming, I have nightmares, I emotionally abused others, I was insecure, my temper was out of control, and it did not help the fact I have bi-polar disorder.

At 22 years old I am finally getting help and stopping the cycle, I am attending my first psychiatric appointment tomorrow after three years of self help and dedication to change myself. I have support of my boyfriend who helps me understand and recognize any abusive patterns, which comes during stressful events. The support of my best friend who is always there for me and to help me break down my feelings. I am so lucky to have people willing to help me through this.

If you think you are an abuser or you are being abused, get help. It is worth it.

Feel free to share you experiences below

Sources and to Learn More:
http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/#tab-id-1
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/