My last time ever doing drugs

The night was just starting on December 2nd, 2015 as I looked down and saw a mirror  that only contained my reflection, a line of cocaine, and a rolled up twenty.  I knew I was an addict and had been struggling for months and still I snorted this line without hesitation. This was an ordinary start to one of my drug fueled benders that occured on a weekly basis, but this line was different it was to be the last last line of coke I would inhale. 

I was on my way to go to an EDM show in NYC which is nothing more than a drug fueled rave, where people try to dance away all the worries in their life. To be honest my memory is such shit from those days that I can't even remember which DJ was playing, but I do remember that the energy in the room at Santos Party house was electric that night. I was to preoccupied running to the bathroom every 20 minutes to do a bump, that I couldn't even enjoy this epic scene I was in. The drugs I had on me only lasted till about 2 am and once it was over I could no longer socialize, I had become possessed, a monster who only cared about getting his next fix. When someone would cross my path and try to start up a conversation my mind was laser focused only on one thing and that was trying to get my next bump, most normal people would quickly realize this and shrug me off. Once I realized my search for drugs was futile, I went home alone, $100's of dollars poorer, and only having what should've been an amazing night turn into a mediocre one because of my obsession. 

I thank my higher power everyday my last night did not turn out to be some major rock bottom where I ended up in the hospital or on the bathroom floor choking on my own vomit. This night was a relatively normal night for me and was not much different from any of my prior drug induced nights. I woke up the next day hungover, depressed, and tired. this sensation after night like this would typically not go away for a week or so. 

I hated this feeling. I hated being lonely, feeling the need to escape from my daily existence, and thinking the only way to go out socialize and live a normal life was to get black out drunk and do drugs. After twelve years of drinking and drugging I was finally fed up and walked myself into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (AA). This  moment was a major turning point in my life and I can say without a doubt has saved my life.

My first time in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

The first meeting I ever went to was in the basement of a church in Williamsburg, brooklyn. As I walked down the stairs the first thing I noticed was how eclectic the group of people sitting in the circle where. Punk rockers covered head to toe in tattoos, hipsters with curly mustaches, guys dressed in button down shirts and slacks who look like they just came from corporate america, and every other type of person in between. 

I was nervous, too nervous to talk to anyone, so I grabbed a chair closest to the stairs ready to make my escape.  The meeting started up and it was a Big book meeting where we read Bills Story, one of the founders of AA. The way Bills story was written was extremely old fashioned and outdated, however the content that was read out of this old tome struck a nerve with me. Bills life from before he got sober in the 1930's sounded identical to the struggles I was going through 80 years later. I finally felt like someone else understood me, they understood my obsession with drugs and alcohol and even though the words they told their story in were extremely different than anything I would ever write, I connected to it. It took twenty minutes to finish his tale and I was glued to my seat, I knew at this point I no longer needed that escape route I planned to take from the beginning. 

The chair person, who moderates the meeting, now started round robin sharing. This is where we would go around the room and anyone could discuss anything they felt like for three minutes. People tried to stay on the topic of Bill's story or talk about their own struggles. Even though their was so much variety in the room I felt a connection with every persons share. I realized that even though we were sitting in a drab church basement, this might've been the most hopeful place on earth. Each person who was at this meeting was here for one reason, to stay sober so they could have a better more fulfilling life. You could tell everyone was being honest, open, and sharing what they needed to at that moment in time. I passed on my turn and opted to just listen.

The first few months of sobriety

The first few months of sobriety where extremely hard.

 I would try to avoid my friends and If I did go out with my friends who drank and drugged I would occasionally exit abruptly without saying good bye so that I would not break my sobriety. Fortunately, my friends where supportive and never pressured me to drink or drug. They may not of understood what I was going through but they knew not to tempt me, which I am extremely thankful for.

I would get unexpected sugar cravings as my body adjusted from not drinking so much alcohol. My mood did not stabilize for about 90 days as my brain chemistry changed. Some days I would not want to get out of bed and felt worst than any hangover I ever had before and at other times I would have more than enough energy to run a marathon. 

The hardest part though was figuring out what to do with all the extra time I had now that I was not drinking and drugging. I realized relatively quickly that even days that I would normally abstain from alcohol and drugs, when I was abusing, became longer. During these days I was most likely spacing out and was not just not being a fully present member in life as my body was still recuperating from the prior weekend. 

It took me a long time to realize it but I needed to replace my old addictions with new healthier activities. Around month two this finally clicked and I started working out regularly at a martial art studio I was already a member of, I bought a guitar and have been teaching myself using yousician, joined a flag football club, and do service work. 

My Life Now

at 26 years old, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do as I type this post. My relationships with my family and friends have become much stronger. I have started taking pride in my professional and work life, since I know longer feel that I am worthless and that someone else can do my job better than I can. I have started to meditate which has helped my anxiety and depression tremendously, I think I can rightfully say I do not have either any more. I also finally felt responsible enough to get a dog when I got to 90 days of sobriety. 

Her names Panda and is the love of my life. I have also taken up hobbies and activities I am truly passionate about and even though I currently suck at most of them one day hopefully I can be decent at all of them. Alcoholics Anonymous not only saved my life, but it changed my life into one that I am happy to be living.

If anyone is struggling with drinking or drugs, please feel free to reach out to me!