You know when shit gets so bad you feel you have nothing left to lose and you just take a chance?

I didn’t get the job...
I imagine it was my strong preference on location or the five year gap in my resume. For all I know it could have been the shoddy apartment in the background. I really have no way of knowing since they haven’t replied to that inquiry but I think the chances it had to do with ME we’re pretty low. This was the only position I could find that started before April so not getting it means a likely 4 extra months of joblessness.

Previous to learning that news I witnessed the police storming my friends community space as part of an “investigation”. This space brought a sense of community to a neighborhood which was previously dying. I hope it will be ok.

Anyways, feeling like crap, I went home, read the rejection letter and went to sleep trying hard not to feel like crappier crap. I woke up not knowing how I felt and tried to push myself to see the positive in all that had happened. Not happening.

I felt no inspiration to keep looking for jobs online. I am just barely excited enough to start working again to justify doing it but if it’s going to take half a year of searching, I’d rather go back to busking and stay off the grid. Urgh, also not exciting.

So I went down the old victim mentality path in a conversation with my mother who was troubled by some opinions I shared. It turned into our first argument in almost a year (we used to fight every day).

Thanks to the argument, a lot of old trauma came up, the root cause of the victim mentality, not being allowed to share my opinions as a child and being dismissed for seeing things adults did not. Almost two decades later they are just starting to understand what I could never utter as a child.

And so I spent a few hours in tha victim mode only to slay it once again. Does it still exist? Most likely. Will I let it control my life and decisions? Hell no!

So after our conversation I decided to buy a ticket despite not getting the job. I may find something easier searching in person, or maybe not, who knows. Assuming today’s hurricane doesn’t do too much damage, I’ll be flying out in three days.

Right after I made my decision, I was made aware of an old stock portfolio I had received as a gift from my late grandmother. It’s not a lot but I can take out half and live for at least a month, and then the other half I can put into crypto which, as volatile as it is, may be the safer place to put it. I literally had no idea this existed. Perfect timing.

I’d say this is the most “reckless” thing I’ve ever done but I’ve done things like this before. I don’t really feel it’s all that reckless either, despite how it looks. When sudden inspiration comes and everything lines up perfectly, it’s all green light I need.

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