Violent Zombie
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Down to earth mechanic MS CANTSIA WEINER is arguing with optimistic teacher SR CLINT TORIS. CANTSIA tries to hug CLINT but he shakes her off.

CANTSIA
Please Clint, don't leave me.
CLINT
I'm sorry Cantsia, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CANTSIA
I am such a person!
CLINT frowns.

CLINT
I'm sorry, Cantsia. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
CLINT leaves.

CANTSIA sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, caring swordsman MR COX UCKER barges in looking flustered.

CANTSIA
Goodness, Cox! Is everything okay?
COX
I'm afraid not.
CANTSIA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
COX
It's ... a zombie ... I saw an evil zombie frame a bunch of elderly ladies!
CANTSIA
Defenseless elderly ladies?
COX
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
CANTSIA
Bloomin' heck, Cox! We've got to do something.
COX
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CANTSIA
You can start by telling me where this happened.
COX
I was...
COX fans himself and begins to wheeze.

CANTSIA
Focus Cox, focus! Where did it happen?
COX
a library! That's right - a library!
CANTSIA springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CANTSIA rushes along the street, followed by COX. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER

BETTY YERAGOODLAY a violent zombie terrorises two elderly ladies.

CANTSIA, closely followed by COX, rushes towards BETTY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

COX
What is is? What's the matter?
CANTSIA
That's not just any old zombie, that's Betty Yeragoodlay!
COX
Who's Betty Yeragoodlay?
CANTSIA
Who's Betty Yeragoodlay? Who's Betty Yeragoodlay? Only the most violent zombie in the universe!
COX
Blinkin' knickers, Cantsia! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most violent zombie in the universe!
CANTSIA
You can say that again.
COX
Blinkin' knickers, Cantsia! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most violent zombie in the universe!
CANTSIA
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Betty turns and sees Cantsia and Cox. She grins an evil grin.

BETTY
Cantsia Weiner, we meet again.
COX
You've met?
CANTSIA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CANTSIA is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees BETTY. She takes off her headphones.

BETTY
Would you like some white mice?
CANTSIA's eyes light up, but then he studies BETTY more closely, and looks uneasy.

CANTSIA
I don't know, you look kind of violent.
BETTY
Me? No. I'm not violent. I'm the least violent zombie in the world.
CANTSIA
Wait, you're a zombie?
CANTSIA runs away, screaming.

EXT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY

BETTY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
COX
(To CANTSIA) You ran away?
CANTSIA
(To COX) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CANTSIA turns to BETTY.

CANTSIA
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CANTSIA runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CANTSIA
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
BETTY
I'm not scared of you.
CANTSIA
You should be.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - LATER THAT DAY

CANTSIA and COX walk around searching for something.

CANTSIA
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
COX
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
CANTSIA
You know nothing Cox Ucker.
COX
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, BETTY appears, holding a pair of swords.

BETTY
Looking for something?
COX
Crikey, Cantsia, she's got your swords.
CANTSIA
Tell me something I don't already know!
COX
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CANTSIA
I know that already!
COX
I pick my nose and eat it.
BETTY
(appalled) Dude!
While BETTY is looking at COX with disgust, CANTSIA lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.

CANTSIA
Prepare to die, you violent carrot!
BETTY
No please! All I did was frame a bunch of elderly ladies!
CLINT enters, unseen by any of the others.

CANTSIA
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Cantsia Weiner defender of innocent elderly ladies.
BETTY
Don't hurt me! Please!
CANTSIA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
BETTY
Because Cantsia, I am your mother.
CANTSIA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CANTSIA
No you're not!
BETTY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
BETTY tries to grab the swords but CANTSIA dodges out of the way.

CANTSIA
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, BETTY slumps to the ground.

COX
Did she just faint?
CANTSIA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
CANTSIA crouches over BETTY's body.

COX
Be careful, Cantsia. It could be a trick.
CANTSIA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Betty Yeragoodlay is dead!
CANTSIA
What?
CANTSIA
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
COX claps his hands.

COX
So your swords did save the day, after all.
CLINT steps forward.

CLINT
Is it true? Did you kill the violent zombie?
CANTSIA
Clint how long have you been...?
CLINT puts his arm around CANTSIA.

CLINT
Long enough.
CANTSIA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Betty Yeragoodlay.
CLINT
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
CANTSIA
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.

CLINT
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to CANTSIA.

CANTSIA
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Betty Yeragoodlay will never frame elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
CLINT
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes CANTSIA a shiny necklace

CLINT
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CANTSIA
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

CANTSIA
Well, if you insist.
CANTSIA takes the necklace.

CANTSIA
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.

CANTSIA turns to CLINT.

CANTSIA
Does this mean you want me back?
CLINT
Oh, Cantsia, of course I want you back!
CANTSIA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CANTSIA
Well you can't have me.
CLINT
WHAT?
CANTSIA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a zombie to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
CLINT
But...
CANTSIA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Cox.
COX grins.

CLINT
But...
COX
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
CLINT
Cantsia?
CANTSIA
I'm sorry Clint, but I think you should skidaddle.
CLINT leaves.

COX turns to CANTSIA.

COX
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CANTSIA
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly COX stops.

COX
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the zombie don't you?
THE END

Thanks for reading,
The Invisible Man
@theinvisibleman