My perfect confession

Here comes my biggest most honest and embarrassing confession: I used to pretend I was perfect. Gah! Gag me now. Those words alone make my stomach sick. But it’s true! The moment I fell victim to love and chose to be a wife I suddenly felt like overnight I had to become a:

• Chef
• Sex goddess
• Professional house cleaner
• Health Expert
• And basically a trophy for all to admire with awe.

Here were my problems with all that:

• I had learned to cook mac n’ cheese up to that point. That’s it. Unless baked goods count as food.
• You had to clean things other than dishes? The toilet?!? No.
• I’d never had sex before. Gasp! I was 19. I’m LDS. Not so shocking if you think about it.
• Looking like a trophy takes a lot of time and effort. I was diagnosed with laziness at the age of whenever your childhood energy runs out.

Yet anytime any of these topics came up with people who could judge me, so everyone and anyone, I faked it! Oh boy did I ever lie my butt off more.

“Last night I made Chicken Cordeon Blue,” I’d say, hoping I was pronouncing it correctly. Ha! I still don’t even know what that dish is—something chicken I suppose—and I don’t think I spelled it correctly just now either.

“Cleaning everyday is exhausting. It’s like the house just won’t stay clean.” I’d laugh. Other wives in the conversation would laugh too nodding their heads in approval when really, even to this day I have yet to see my house spotless for even one full second, unless all our stuff was in a moving van.

“Ew! I hate soda! It’s so bad for you!” Okay, to be fair to myself, I’ve really never liked soda, but hate? Really? I only said that because I thought it made me more of a person. Like not being subject to soda’s addictiveness meant 100% approval. Except I now know I will never ever be able to quit sugar, which is just as bad or technically the same thing as far as damaging to the body goes. And if you offer me a grape soda any second of any day, I will take it. And once I have it in my possession it will be mine and it will be my precious.

“Kale? Of course I eat Kale! Kale is so good I could drink it.” Then the person informed me that she actually does drink kale followed by a speech of why drinking vegetables is way better for you than chewing them.

So those are only the surface of my pretending to be perfect tall tales. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture, right?

Of course perfect could mean something different to someone else. I’m sure in other countries or cultures perfection has a whole different meaning. The perfect I’m talking about though, the one that made me feel like less of a person for 4 years, is toxic and we all need to avoid it. It’s the universal idea that you can’t be flawed. The idea that your mistakes amount to failing. That you are failing. But you’re not failing. You’re living. And you’re trying.

Whatever it is you’re seeking, whether it be love, validation, acceptance, praise, support, self-approval, or ultimate happiness, you’ll never get it without allowing some imperfection.

Remember when you wanted to be a mermaid, a fairy, maybe a superhero, or just something totally and completely fictional? How is wanting to be 100% perfect and void of all mistakes any different? Of course it’s fun to imagine we could be something impossible every now and then, but not if we make it our life’s ambition. Not if we actually believe we can never make mistakes.

Heck! You’d have an easier time living your life trying to be a mermaid. Bonus if you can find a crab and a fish to be your friends. (Even bigger bonus if you find Nemo!)

In all seriousness though, NEVER stop making goals! Have dreams. And do all you can to obtain them. But you’ll only spend your life in a pile of stress and disappointment if your dreams don’t allow you to stumble along the way.

Next time your neighbor, friend, coworker, or that random person on the subway wants you to believe he/she’s got it all together, just remember that they are most definitely not all together. They’re just not. And neither you or he/she or me is perfect.

But we’re something even better than that. We’re potential, creativity, passion, talent, genius, strength in weakness, life, laughter, and love. And a million other awesome things.

We’re human.

It’s time we suck it up and embrace it.