5 Ways To Fight Fair With Your S.O.

You love and respect your important people, no questions asked. This person is your best friend. The first person you call when you have good news. Yin to yang of you. But sometimes you feel like you are involved in a constant battle of wills, in which none of you have ever won. And that can be frustrating, depressed, and completely exhausting. Arguments are inevitable, so stick to these conflicting tips to help you fight justice and overcome the dust - and as a result, become a stronger couple, happier.

Try to find the center of the problem.
The lack of communication skills is ranked high on the list of the most important causes of conflict in the relationship, says Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist and psychotherapist who co-founded the Center. Wright's health with her husband, Kyle. "The fact that our society does not teach us how to communicate effectively and effectively is really the biggest problem in modern relationships," she said. So when something sensitive like sex, money, or politics appears, it's almost impossible to navigate without saying something silly. "

Couples must also recognize that conflict occurs when conflict is needed, explains Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage therapist in Irvine, California. And how much conflict there is depends on whether their needs are high or low. For example, if one of you has a low demand for something, and the other has a high demand for something, then the average level of conflict can easily be solved if the person has a low demand. Agree to give the other person he or she wants.

Stress is highest in a high / high scenario, which can only be solved when each partner is fully concerned about the other relationship and relationship to give up its high demand. "Maybe you give up what you want - in this situation - because it is important to your partner," Sultanoff said. "It is okay to give up a person's wish as long as it does not become a way to become a relationship. Healthy relationships are filled with each person giving and receiving. "

Use 'I speak' to express feelings of hurt.
Wright explains that 'I declare' means to reveal your feelings. Note the difference between "I feel like you are judging me" versus "I feel pain when you say that about me," she said. "The first is almost an accusation while the second is talking about your true feelings."

Wright's husband, Kyle, recalled a time when this strategy helped abolish one of their recent conflicts: "When [Rachel and I] were moving from Denver to California, we had a ridiculous fight. one morning ... will have breakfast and coffee, "he said. "The war escalated while I was pushing our suitcase into the disappointing car and Rachel pouted in the hotel lobby. At this point we were completely transformed from what we had originally fought and now were more upset with each other about how we communicate. We jumped together. "

Finally, Kyle said, "I went to Rachel and asked, 'Are you in the car?' And she responds by flipping me in the hall. So I turned around, walked away, and said loudly, 'COME IN CALIFORNIA' AND LEAVE THE BUILDING. Not my best moment. "

After a short vacation - and a cup of coffee - the couple put their relationship training into action. "We started with 'my statements' about our feelings before and during the debate to understand each other's experiences," Kyle continued. "By sharing what we perceive during the war, we were able to identify what happened and be able to speak out ... and start apologizing and addressing what we have told each other in the heat of the moment. "

Avoid using 'from war' and make judgments.

Conflict often leads to judgment and "from war", which Sultanoff describes as absolute as "always" and "never." For example: "You always leave dirt in the sink." and "You never told me when you were going to be late. "

The copyright of Sultanoff says that the harm is judgment ("You are lacking in thought, insensitivity, etc."), including those derived from the belief that your partner should do something the way he does. yours. For example, "I will not treat you like that" (and, therefore, you should not treat me like that) or "I will not do it" (assuming later, that you should not do that).

Remember that you are not the same person as S.O. with the same perspective, and that's okay. "Maintain your views on love, respect, acceptance and non-judgment," Sultanoff said.

Set hard rules against naming.
If you want to fight fair, this is a biggie. But as most people know (and as noted in his description of his conflict with Kyle's wife), avoiding personal attacks in the middle of a fight can be hard to do when enthusiasts boom. This usually happens when the expedition begins to fly. However, it is essential to establish boundaries against the early names in your relationship.

"Once the words have started to be thrown around, the conversation will quickly get somewhere. "We have a tough and fast rule both in our home and in our practice that no name is allowed, ever, between two people."

Take time to cool yourself.
"Have you ever seen stars that are so much emotionally difficult to hear or form sentences? That's the flood, "Wright explained. "When you're flooded, it's almost impossible to continue the conversation. So, instead of trying - and probably fail - take the time to wait. "

This could mean walking around the building, driving a short (as long as you are not too distracted), or simply walk into the next room and close the door a bit. Taking that time to be alone with your thoughts will help you come back to the situation with a clearer head.

A relationship is not about winning or losing, but cold heads will win.

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