STRENGTHENING THE LADIES

Well, it's that time of the year again. The time of year, I always hate. Tax time and mammogram time. Taxes stress the mind and mammograms stress the body.

I think I'd rather be flogged with barbed wire and dipped in alcohol than have a mammogram! That would probably hurt a lot less!

You women know what I'm talking about! It's the ultimate test of courage and strength for us! We know it's going to be agonizing torture, but we pull up our big girl panites and do it anyway! All in the name of health. Ha!

Most women are advised to start the torture treatment around the age of 40. The first time I had to endure this, the doctor's office made the appointment.

I showed up at the appropriate time, filled out the papers and sat around waiting for my name to be called. Not knowing what to expect, I dreaded it and was torn between staying or heading for the nearest exit.

Finally, my name was called and the nurse led me back to a bunch of stalls. I got up the nerve to ask " will this hurt much". "Oh no, sweetie, just a little picture taking". Ok, how bad can that be?? I was picturing someone standing with a camera a few feet from me and clicking a button.

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The nurse then instructed me to go into the stall, disrobe from the waist up, wipe any perfume and deodorant off, put on this little gown, then go to the next room and wait again!

I did as instructed, except I got confused with the gown. This flimsy piece of cloth had a couple of holes in it and some ties. Now, I have a fairly good education, so I thought I knew what I was doing. Hummmm, put the delegated parts thru the holes so pictures could be taken and tie it in the back. Not exactly!!!

Imagine my embarrassment when I stepped into the waiting room and the other women had theirs on another way! One kind, older lady took one look at me and said "Honey, let me help you with that"!

After getting the gown straightened out, we all sat around with our arms crossed, not looking at each other. I'm told that men do the same thing in a public restroom, never make eye contact. That's about the way it is for us girls in the mammogram waiting room!

After what seemed like an eternity, another nurse called out my name and said "follow me". I was really anxious to get this over with, so I jumped up and followed!

We stepped into this semi-dark room that felt like a cold storage facility. You could hang Lonza in there. If you don't know what that is, read my post about it.

All I see is this menacing contraption, with plexiglass plates attached to it. "Where's the camera"?, I innocently asked. "you're looking at it, dear", she replied. "Well that's a mighty big camera", says I.

She just laughs and commands me to take one arm out of the sleeve of the gown and step up close to the contraption. I do so and then the torture begins.

The nurse tells me we got to get everything in between these 2 plexiglass plates before we can take a picture. Now girls, you all know we are not all built the same, so some of us have more or less to work with than others. She takes one look at me, takes hold of the part in question and drags me closer to the machine. She stretches, pulls, tugs, squeezes and manipulates everything into place while I'm in total shock, not knowing whether to slap her or cry. I've never had a woman touch me in this area before, so I'm frozen in fear!

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When she arranges things like she wants on that sheet of plexiglass, she tells me to hold still while she starts lowering the top sheet of plexiglass. All the while she is asking, "does that hurt"? "no"? a little tighter then! Once she is satisfied that I'm squeezed tightly between the 2 sheets, she says, "now don't move"! "DON'T MOVE"!!! How the hell was I gonna move???

Nurse lady tells me again to not move and hold my breath, while she leisurely walks behind the contraption. I think she's probably responding to some emails about this time, because I can hear the clickety clack of keys. Once I'm on the verge of passing out from pain and holding my breath, she finally comes around and says, "ok, we're done", "now we gotta do the other side"! OMG!! At this point, I'm wishing I only had one, then it would be completely over!

Well, we do the same procedure again, but once she has me positioned just right and holding my breath, she says "I'll be right back", and walks out of the room. This time, I'm sure she probably went to lunch because when she returned she had a toothpick in her mouth! I'm standing there contemplating murder!

This procedure is supposed to find any lumps or bumps inside, but I think it was designed to actually "pop" any of those things right out if detected!

After she turned me loose the second time around, I almost ran out of the place without even getting dressed again. Thinking better of that idea, I did take enough time to put my top on, but I couldn't get out of there fast enough!

Now, the point of the story is to let you in on a little secret. After many years, I've devised a method for preparing for that mammogram day. If you just take time to do these little things even a couple days in a row, it will make all the difference!

First of all, do the running method. Back up as far as you can from a door, then start running as fast as possible, collide with the door full force, chest first! This should get you warmed up for the next exercise.

Next, go out to your garage, strip naked, lie on the cold concrete with one lady positioned to the side. Now have your husband (or a trusted friend) back slowly over the lady until you are screaming in pain. Once this is done, lie on the other side and have it done again. This will really get you toughened up!

If the second procedure doesn't appeal to you, I'm sure your husband (or trusted friend) has one of those vise grip things in the garage or workshop. Just insert your part between the stone cold plates and have your husband (or trusted friend) to wind the handle until you are tightly squeezed in between. Oh, and I'm sure he won't mind helping you pull and squeeze it all inside! Right up his alley!!

Here's one that will help also. Go to the the refrigerator, open the door, insert one lady and slap the door as hard as possible!! Works every time!

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Do these routines everyday for about a week before your appointment, I guarantee you, the ladies will be so numb by the time you get there, you won't feel a thing!

Here's a good idea........let's make men have a Manogram......I bet SOMEBODY will then come up with a better idea of doing these procedures!

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Hope you enjoyed this, pass it on to help others!

Remember,

Keep on the Sunnyside!

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