Writing The Next Literary Classic.

Excuse me while I don my whining and complaining trousers. I do like to dress the part. I think I'm also going to wear my revenge shirt and justifiable homicide socks. That should complete the ensemble. There. Done now, and I still had enough time for an extended bout of self abuse. That's the thing with writing. You've no idea how much time passes between each word I enscribe. It could be seconds or even days. It might even be years. There's no way to know how long it took to hew this work of art out of the cold white page. I look into a blank page and work out what it wants to be. I see a leg here. A furrowed brow there. Two horses dancing on a telegraph pole. From these images I create yet another literary masterpiece. I've had offers you know. Others might describe them as threats, I choose to look at them differently with my great literature eyes. Much as I expect Charles Dickens did. Looking out on the Victorian London shithole and thinking he could make money out of writing miserable depressing stories.

(The copyright to this image is the property of Pintrest.)

Writing great literature isn't like running with scissors you know. The risks are far more serious, although there's slightly less chance of becoming impaled on a novel. Once every handcrafted word had to be chiselled out of the unforgiving rock of paper. Using a feather instead of a pen, if you go far enough back. Once writing became mechanized things got faster I expect. I can't say I wasn't standing at Charlotte Bronte's shoulder as she wrote Jane Eyre. That's my brother you're thinking of. Who knows what happened after she got her first word processor? I suppose I could ask my brother. We don't talk a lot these days though. Not since he died. It's a family matter I'd rather not go into, especially as all my other relatives have taken his side in the matter. There's a small chance that at some time in the future there will be a reconciliation, but I refuse to make the first move. No matter what. I still have my pride.

Someone once told me that if I didn't stay away from their daughter they'd call the police. That's sound advice I've used in creating epic prose and award winning verbs. Most of my verbs have appeared in other books, movies and TV series. Due to a loophole in the laws of copyright, there's nothing I can do about that. Stealing a word isn't a crime apparently. Showing yet again that the legal code isn't about justice, it's about keeping people down.

Imagination is one of the tools you need to be as a great a writer as I are. Verbs are all very well, but you need a bit of filler between them. That's where your imagination comes in. You shouldn't be taking advice from me (Really you should never, under any circumstances, take advice from me), you should be out there writing. You know that thing about an infinite number of typewriters operated by an infinite number of monkeys producing the complete works of Shakespeare? Well if you just keep writing random words, eventually somewhere in there you'll find all you need for the next best seller. Alternatively you could buy a good dictionary. It will have every book ever written in there. You only need a few million monkeys to get it out.

That's given some insight into my creative process. Hopefully it has inspired you to write and give me a large cut of any royalties you earn. I want each and everyone who reads this to know that should they need any help whatsoever in becoming a writing genius, then don't come to me.