Comedy Open Mic Round 43 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 95 - I'm Good At Failing, Had A Lot Of Practice Over The Years.

In the international news headlines today : "JAPAN WHALE HUNTING: COMMERCIAL WHALING TO RESTART IN JULY". And it's about time to. The sooner we remove these fat greedy bastards, from the oceans, the better. Of course there will be wrong headed vegans, animal lovers and conservationists (That's far too close to conservative for me not to be suspicious.) disputing that. Showing how hypocritical they are. So a few thousand whales will be painfully killed and eaten. After being skinned alive most probably, serves the fuckers right. Nobody seems to give a shit about the plankton and krill these blubbery bastards kill. Billions and billions a year. One fat assed whale can scoop up a few million in a single bite. This kind of speciesism should not be allowed in this day and age of equality and animal rights. Just because some misguided morons think whales are better than plankton and krill. Their only reasoning being that whales are better looking than these tiny helpless creatures. As an added benefit of driving these sea mammals into extinction, the Japanese will no longer have to lie about only killing whales for research purposes. That research being to find out how delicious whales and dolphins are. Similar to the experiments the British carried out for a hundred years or so to finally prove, beyond all doubt, that heavy machine gun beats pointy stick. I'm not a huge fan of sea food, but I don't try to force people not to club baby seals to death and butcher cetaceans for fun, because I'm not one of those killjoys. Just like if I saw someone attempting suicide, I wouldn't try to stop them. It's none of my business what they do in their free time. I'd go up and either applaud them or, if time allowed, I'd give them a hand. That's the type of selfless individual I am. I can't stop giving. I'm a fool to myself really.

(The copyright for this image is the property of AFP/Getty Images.)

"Well that went a lot better than I expected." Hermes burbled happily.
Jake spat out some blood and a couple of teeth into the palm of his hand before throwing them into the distance.
"Really? You think so? It feels like my jaw is broken." He gurgled, working his lower mandible painfully.
"In two places. Six cracked ribs, badly bruised kidneys and a couple broken metatarsals" His internal guide and companion responded. "There are about twelve other contusions in total. I'll have those fixed in no time. For future reference it would help if you hadn't lobbed those teeth into the dirt. Crystalline calcium phosphate is bloody difficult for me to replicate. You meat bags don't produce a whole lot naturally and remember I'm using your inefficient body to do my work."
"Oh so sorry." Jake rebuked sarcastically. "My heart bleeds for you. I've just had to fight five people at the same time. How is that fair? When Doxy said there might be some niggle I thought they'd wait their turns. Not all pile in at once. Don't these bastards have some kind of code of honor? As for the teeth, tough shit."
"Hey. There's no need for that. Let me remind you, who was it who insisted I wouldn't help or assist you in any way."
He looked stunned. Still delicately moving his jaw as the nanites performed their technological miracles.
"It was you, ya prick." More blood and spit sprayed. "Right at the last second as well. Just before that big black woman, whatever her name is, tried to rip my face off."
"I thought it would get you more respect. Make it a fair fight. It was the honorable thing to do. You were all for a code of honor a moment ago."
"Yes of course I was, when it was to my advantage. Honor is a quality I only find admirable in others, not in myself. And as for a fair fight. I don't ever want to be in a fair fight. I want the odds to be heavily stacked in my favor. I need every advantage I can get. The last fight I had before I came here was when I was seven. Julie Wilson beat the shit out of me in the playground. That leaves mental scarring. I had a vivid flashback of me lying on the ground while she kicked the crap out of me and all I could do was curl up into a ball. Because my stupid parents programmed me never to hit a girl. It was alright for them, they didn't have to deal with Julie Wilson. She was the school bully. The one all the other bullies looked up to, when she wasn't beating them up as well. I wonder whatever happened to her? Something horrible and disfiguring I hope."
"You really are bad with names aren't you." The composite intelligence remarked.
"I don't know about that. I've got more than a few I could call you, bubbling away in my head. Besides, the Captain just reeled off twenty odd monikers. How am I supposed to put them together with faces. Especially when every single one of them is a perfect specimen of man and womanhood. It was like being set upon by a small herd of fashion models. I'm pretty sure that's the collective noun for them. I definitely want to know the name of that huge Polynesian one. Just so I can avoid him."
"That's Fetu Tuilagi, the woman was Sade Okafor. Her name means honor bestows the crown. She's one of the engineers aboard the Scarlet Harlot."
Jake did a minor double take.
"It's a sailing ship. Do they even need engineers?"
"Of course they do. Especially out in The Never. That ship isn't some square rigged lump of wood from your eighteenth century that could be sailed by a team of trained monkeys. It's a technologically advanced fully integrated state of the art design concept built by a far superior civilization. You have major problems operating the shower."
Though he had a bit of difficulty with the "superior" part, given the dysfunctional nature of nearly everyone here, Jake let that lie.
"I've never been good with technology."
"And you can't fight either."
"Hey. I won. Eventually. Last one standing and all that." His wounds were well on the way to healing. Jake dragged himself to his feet from where he sat outside the tavern. "So Sade is one of the engineers. What does that make this Fetu guy?"
"It doesn't make him anything. Who he is has sod all to do with anything else." Hermes rebuked Jake. "He's the Sailing Master or navigator. One of the officers. Another absolutely vital member of the crew. Actually all of them are vital. Except you. You're entirely expendable. Or do I mean disposable?"
"I think you mean nonessential." He interjected.
"No. That's not it either. Superfluous will have to do for now. It's not like me to be looking for the right word. Must be all this work I'm doing, because you threw away valuable resources." He riposted pointedly.
The offended Jake retorted immediately.
"How the hell were you going to be able to reuse them anyway?"
"That's easy. If you'd swallowed them I could have recycled the materials."
"Well I'll shove them up my ass next time."
"That'll work to."

Well he'd been introduced to the crew. Jake dusted off his hat and clothes. While doing so he noticed her. Doxy stood framed in another doorway looking at him curiously. A tankard of beer in her hand. She was hailed by someone inside, turning around and closing the door behind her. He'd decided not to spend his first night bunked with them. That pleasure would be left for later. Partly to give everyone a chance to settle in without unwanted distractions, but mainly due to him having a lot to do. Both back at his apartment and with resupplying the ship. There was a list as long as his leg stored in the firewave. Briefly he wondered what story they'd make up to explain the extraordinary events of the last few days. There were a lot of reconciliations to be made. Bandying the Ashenram about was inadvisable. Given the Consensus might find out and institute a lock down followed by the sterilization of the entire area. There'd be a reboot, as they called it, but that wouldn't restore what they'd lost. Only their lives. Which for many of them would be filled with the suspicion that somehow or other they were different than they had been. A feeling he could now sympathize with having experienced his own transmogrification following his small taste of godhood.

That brought up the subject of Angelique his Geochronometric Array. According to Hermes one of only four in the known universes. None of which was a patch on the original and prototypical being. Some unique concatenation had taken place to produce that lady. One he was inclined towards believing he'd taken part in. One he felt no pride in. Rather a sense of guilt. Which was why he wasn't champing at the bit to be reunited with her. The sound of running footsteps caused him to look back. Pip caught up with him taking his arm to link with hers. Smiling up at him.

"I thought you'd be staying with your shipmates?" His question not concealing the pleasure he felt. Jake found her hand with his free one to give it a squeeze.
"They'll be carousing into the small hours. No thanks. I love them all, but a whole lot more when they're sober. Don't fancy having my cheek pinched all night long. You did a good thing."
"Thanks. I had my doubts. Somehow or other things turned out okay. What about you and the Captain? You don't have to answer. Not if you don't want to. How are things?"
"Not quite back to normal. She still feels guilty for attempting to kill me. Tries hard not to show it, but I catch her looking at me every now and then. With that look on her face. We'll get there. She was the one who suggested I come with you. Doesn't trust you to get things right. Keep an eye on him for me will you, she said."
He chuckled.
"A wise woman. I had a quick glance when she first gave me the list. Didn't understand a word in the first two sentences. Haven't dared look at it again."
There was a whole lot more he wanted to ask her. Particularly about that ten precious minutes she'd spent with her parents. None of his business. If she felt like sharing she would. Christ, what would that be like. Separated from them as a child and then spending such a short time with them. He wished he could have made it so much longer.
"Looks like you're getting into The Never pretty soon Wanderer."
"That's yet to be decided so they tell me."
"I think you'll turn out to be a lot better than your immediate predecessor was."
He stopped dead in his tracks.
"You've met my predecessor? That brings up a thousand questions. Most important of which being, are they still alive and in good health?"
"None of which I can answer. Most because I don't know. You'll find out or you'll fail."
"I'm good at failing, had a lot of practice over the years. Once in a while I'll get this feeling I've cracked it. Only to find that certainty evaporating a few minutes later. So this other Wanderer, is he taller and better looking than me?"
"Slightly taller I think. Definitely much better looking."
"Aw thanks. My inferiority complex was in need of some strong reinforcement. When we get back can you order me up some nice pajamas."
"Sure. Why though. You've slept with me naked before. I know I've been wearing them, but you didn't."
"Let's just say I've started to notice how beautiful you are."
She laughed.
"I trust you."
"Yes. I don't trust myself though. Not that I'd ever force myself on you. It's... I've noticed things. No that's not what I mean. It's more feelings or emotions... You know I was sure that bloody city was a lot closer before."
Pip hugged his arm.
"It's okay. I understand."
"Do you? Maybe one day you could explain it to me then. Not today though. I've got victuals and supplies to purchase and requisition. Apparently I've got ergs to buy. I'm not 100% sure I know what they are or how the hell I can buy them."
"Tomorrow could be fun then."
"I very much doubt it. Fun and I have never appeared in the same sentence before. Except with the occasional addition of not or isn't."

The following morning the two of them set off at sunrise. Their destination almost twenty miles from Port Bristol. According to Pip this was the place to go to pick up almost everything they would need. Now, knowing it was stupid of him, Jake couldn't help questioning the fact that the nearest store/supplier of things for a ship was located miles inland and half an hour from the port. This, as usual was down to ignorance on his part. Those huge skyliners, he'd occasionally seen drifting across the sky, docked at a two mile high tower near Birmingham. From there, their contents were distributed across the whole island of Britain. Via the underground transport network. Where they were going sat atop a transport hub. Added to which the owner of the establishment they were heading for was a misanthropic hermit hailing from some place out in The Never. This fun, Pip had so rashly predicted, was heading further and further away.

To get there they had to use an open electrical vehicle with six one and a half meter tires and an enormous flatbed. Involving journeying along a rough, rarely used dirt track. Jake took one look at it before inviting Pip to take the wheel. It wasn't a wheel. it was a roller ball. How did that work? How was anyone expected to drive in this fashion. It defied all logic. Granted the youngster had a flair for using it, while coping with the fact all six wheels steered. This frigging thing could move sideways. That was unnatural. Then to crown it all off the natural world intruded when he spotted his first wolves in the heavily wooded wilderness of a supposedly more advanced civilization. He would be having words with Hermes about this later. Provided he could remember to hold the grudge that long and no new ones occurred. In order to distract himself from the local fauna, there could be bears as well, he had to study his shopping list. Bears? An open sided, uncovered vehicle and bears. Two things that should never be combined or come into one another's vicinity. This thing was pretty quiet. It could scare them. That was one thing he knew you should never do to a bear. They were extremely sensitive. So Jake placed the firewave atop the rifle on his lap. Laugh all you want Pip. Then went through the checklist.

"Holy crap." He exclaimed. "How the hell are we supposed to get one hundred billion ergs aboard this thing? Isn't that a measure of power or horses or something? What do we even store them in for Christ's sake?"
Pip cracked up for about twelfth time so far.
"Are you sure? That doesn't seem like nearly enough. Here, let me have a look."
"Keep your eyes on the... trail or for fuck sake." Jake cried as she reached across to him across the vast gulf between their seats.
Pip took the device and looked down at the details.
"Wow. That's a lot. I knew it couldn't be a hundred billion, but a trillion does seem excessive."
"Oh bugger. That's only the first thing. I'm going to need much bigger pockets, that's for sure.

I would like to nominate @thebumpluderer and @shenoy for the next round.