Comedy Open Mic Round 43 (Entry #3) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 98 - Could I Have A Word Captain?

Now I'm not one to complain.. Oh no hang on. I'm constantly whining about every minor inconvenience. I even had a go a the next door neighbor yesterday, because her kids were being too quiet. I don't trust the little bastards. I know they're up to something. You can see it in their cunning little eyes. Especially that two year old one. It's a girl one I think. No idea what the younger one is. All I know is they are a constant thorn in my side with their noise or the lack of it. That's beside the point. I'm here to moan about this new year thing. I accept we have to have one. That's a given. After 50 odd years I've grown to tolerate it, to the point that I only grind my teeth for three or four days.

It's these New Year Revolutions I'm on about. The rot set in originally when the British had their Bloodless Revolution in 1689. That was when William of Orange seized the throne. Then the English stopped killing each other for a bit and instead set out to murder every other nation on the globe. That wasn't so bad. Then they suddenly got tired of all the blood letting for some inexplicable reason. Which leaves us in our current state where we have all these pointless New Year's Revolutions. We don't need them. Apple and Tesla can shove their next technological revolution up their corporate asses. We need to get back to proper revolutions with blood running through the streets. Ankle deep will do initially, but I'd prefer knee deep and hope to escalate at some point to the waist. Onward's and upwards as they say. We can do this. We've just got to rally all those rabidly aggressive Tweeters and turn them into a real proper bloodthirsty mob. The yellow vests in France have petered out, unfortunately before the slaughter could commence. They're French though, I think. They just haven't got the staying power as WW2 proved.

So it's up to the rest of you to carry the load. I'll be here cheering you on. I'm too old for creating panic in the streets. But I'll be there rallying the troops and giving them encouragement with sayings: "Get back in there you cowards" and "That's only a scratch you pansy, now pick your arm up and use it as a club". I'm hoping they'll become meme's like Keep Calm and Carry On. So some of that time, while I'm still supporting you, I'll be counting the money that's rolling in. That's regrettable, but somebody has to do the real dirty work and unfortunately that's me. I'll still soldier on no matter what sacrifices you have to make.

(The copyright to this image is the property of UAW.)

"Are you sure that's going to work?" Hermes inquired doubtfully as they exited Grundel's office for the final time. Until they returned to this world from The Never.
"I've got no idea." Jake responded.
"You say that a lot don't you."
"Yes I know. Generally when I have no idea, or to hide that fact that because my attention wandered I didn't expect or understand the question. It's served me well over the years. It works with almost any question I've found. No matter what form it takes. Who, what, why, when, where, how and which plus any query that requires a yes, no answer. It's got a million uses. It helps prevent me becoming hopeful as well."
Hermes whirred inside his head, indicating the composite being was figuring things out.
"What's wrong with being hopeful?"
"The inevitable disappointment."
"That's pretty cynical and pessimistic."
"That's where your wrong my friend. It's not pessimism or cynicism. It's realism. I admit that sometimes I break the rules and momentarily become optimistic. That's always dangerous. It means I'm about to fall flat on my face. Now rapidly changing the subject, Grundel didn't seem that disappointed Daisy was leaving."
"Maybe he was hiding a deep inner pain as best he could."
"I don't think so. He appeared perplexed that I'd even considered he might miss her. I don't think he even understood the concept."
"Oh wait. You think that because they had regular sex, they'd formed some kind of emotional bond. That's not how it works round here. They frequently met up for mutual pleasure. Neither one investing any significance in their encounters, beyond them being enjoyable."
"I suppose you could be right. Only if I'd met up with a woman that beautiful every few days, even if it was only to play tennis and even if she humiliated me every single time, I'd still miss her. If we stopped playing tennis. Maybe you're right. I could be wrong. It just seems odd to me. These people live forever and as a consequence nothing they do has any deeper meaning. That's why they never have children. In my opinion. For what it's worth."
"Except Daisy's had a lot of children. Her people are from The Never. Well kind of."
That stopped Jake in his tracks, figuratively. He still kept walking towards Port Bristol.
"Please explain. I remember something about something being mentioned. I was only half listening. Where is she returning to anyway?"
"Her people of course. They don't have any other designation. They're simply the first known human civilization from about 40,000 years ago. They moved from here during a global catastrophe between 12 and 20 thousand years ago. Can't be more precise given time flows differently in different planes. They didn't have nations or stuff like that. They call themselves human. They were very advanced but their technology was completely different to what followed. It's been speculated they were responsible for genetically engineering white people. They knew that with the polar ice caps melting and the end of the ice age there would be far more usable land. They also wanted to spread mankind out all over so that there'd be less chance of them becoming extinct should another global catastrophe occur. They made a portal into The Never and the vast majority of them went through."
"They could do that?"
"Given the amount of energy required they could do it once. That might be what caused the global warming. Nobody is certain."
"Don't they know?"
"Yes, but they aren't telling."
"Why not?"
"Isn't it obvious? They don't want to give the people here an inferiority complex. You've no idea how disappointing it was when this lot first landed on Mars only to find humankind had beaten them there by tens of thousands of years. At least that's my theory. They won't say anything about that either. I'm just going to throw this out there and it's only my opinion based on machine logic and access to billions of terabytes of information. I think it's about a 68.397% probability you're the reason she's returning home."
"Yeah." Jake sighed dubiously. "I'm not sure I'm that important. Otherwise why would Doxy be being such a hard ass? I'm pretty sure, given that you're inside me, that you were there when I stowed my kit in my cabin."

He'd rather stupidly assumed that the door with Quartermaster carved on it, would be the one to his quarters. The Captain had barked at him to let him know this was not the case. He knew from listening in on the crew, though mostly from Pip, that the only thing in there was Angelique and the three dimensional Geochronometric Array she was part of. Or that was part of her. It wasn't clear with multi-dimensional beings who theoretically occupied everywhere. Admittedly it would also now contain Daisy. It bothered him that the creature called Jean-Pierre had occupied Doxy's bed rather than the one he should have. It bothered him even more that this bothered him. Particularly given that he knew the Ashenram had no cock or balls. He'd then idiotically shared this with Hermes. Getting carried away in promoting his own superfluousness.

"Oh." The AI purred. "So you'd like to slip into bed with her then?"
"Next question." Jake equivocated.
"Is that a yes. Does Jake harbor some hopes of being the lady's bed warmer? Hoping that perhaps that close proximity will lead to something else. My what would your lady love Sharon think of this?"
"Right now you are on the edge of being renamed Herpes. I think I might install a stammer. That would be amusing. Inconvenient yet very amusing."
"I don't think you could." Hermes replied timorously.
"Well I'm willing to find out. The subject is closed." There was a lull as he topped an small rise. "Sorry to be snappy. I'm not entirely certain why my feelings are so confused and contradictory. I never really had to deal with feelings before. Not emotional ones anyway."

Things were slowly dawning on him. Suspicions of himself was a more accurate way to put it he supposed. It was very likely he'd inserted himself into the reality his current personality had been born in. Conscious of the narrative, it was very likely he'd taken some other poor sods place. Someone who was essentially a complete nonentity had ended up never existing. Jake had lived that lost life. He'd gone through the things that person would have experienced. Knowing that there was no point becoming attached to anyone or anything. It would all be gone before he knew it. Not forming attachments was an essential part of the plan. This train of logic brought with it certain unpleasant conclusions. One of which was it was plausible the reason why he'd not carried over these memories was because they indicated a ruthlessness he was uncomfortable with. Another that he'd done far worse in previous incarnations. Not knowing what the ultimate aim was made this unpleasant. Knowing it might push him over into insanity or depression. Fortunately for him he was such a devious bastard he'd arranged for himself the ability to ignore this and carry on. His position was no different to the one Doxy had found herself in. Only she hadn't volunteered for the mission. Was that the reason he felt an affinity for her?

He'd become so lost in that somber self examination Jake was at the harbor before he knew it. Coming to a halt at the landward end of the dock. Boy the crew did look busy scurrying about on the deck. Oh shit they were preparing to set sail. He broke into a trot. The gangplank was still down. Pip stood at the top of it a weary smile on her face. He strode up the gangplank only for it to be retracted as soon as he set foot on the deck.

"You were cutting it fine." The youngster had a grin on her face.
"I like to make an entrance. Better late than ever."
"That's debatable." Doxy snapped as she skipped past them nimbly. Stepping over and between the mechanisms that were hauling up the sails.
Whichever way you looked at this it was surreal. Nobody was up in the rigging. Everything was worked from down here. There was no lookout although there was a crows nest. There were some state of the art optics instead. Everyone else moved around with ease. He had to constantly step aside and duck as ropes and complex euipment swung past his feet and head.
"Could I have a word Captain?"
"If you're quick."
Saying which she vaulted a capstan that was whirling round at an incredible rate. Christ that was quick.
"You might want to stow your gear." Pip suggested still beaming from ear to ear. "All hands are at the ready Captain she hollered." Loud enough to deafen him.
"I put my kit in my cabin already." He stated confidently.
"You didn't secure it though. It's going to get very bumpy in a bit. Climate control isn't a perfect science. This is the calmest it's going to get before the portal closes. Off you go then."
With a slight start he set off down into the ship. Passing through the ships crews quarters on his way to his cabin in the bow. Directly under the deck. Not an exactly roomy space. It was bow shaped as well. He'd have to sleep curved. A lot of the space was occupied by two wide ceramic tubes that passed through at a forty degree angle. As he entered he bumped into a red head. Hermes quickly told him her name was Morag. She was Scottish and the second of the engineers. Sharing duties with Sade. See, he could remember peoples names.
"I'm sorry. Am I in your way?" He asked. Not sarcastically. It was more with ironic intent.
"Suit yourself." She retorted with a soft accent. "I can prime these babies with my eyes closed. So if you want to put on some fancy clothes. I promise I won't peek."
Bugger. They knew about his thing with nudity. Not his though. Others. He was growing far more accustomed to it as well. When he'd brought his things on board there'd been half a dozen males and females with barely a stitch on them. Now he was certain they'd been laughing at him.
"I was told to stow my kit."
"Go right ahead. Don't mind me."
Oh well. He'd have to jump right in. Carefully though. There was no way to avoid contact with the lady. My God that was an impressive chest. No bra either. They were defying gravity. He was staring at them. She giggled. This was really not good. If any of his blood flowed into unseemly parts he'd be mortified. Her hip was moving against his groin quite firmly, as he reached past her to put things into the overhead lockers. When he'd finished securing everything he found himself standing face to face with a very pretty redhead. Only a few centimeters shorter than him. With a shirt that had far too few buttons, buttoned. He looked past her at the tubes, on either side of his bijou cabin, which now had levers sticking up.
"What are those?" He asked before daring to look down.
"They're my nipples." Morag answered glancing down at her chest.
Christ they were to. Why hadn't he put on his body armor? He'd been wearing it right up to this morning. The one day he went without he had nipples poking into his chest through a thin shirt.
"No I meant those sticking out things. Can I start again? The rods that are protruding from those tubes."
Of all the words he could have chosen why had he gone for rods?
"Those are the primers for the launch tubes."
Thank the Lord. He might have gotten away with that slip. They didn't use rod as a euphemism for a penis here. He might be able to pick up some knowledge. He still hadn't the foggiest what these launch tubes launched. For all he knew it could be sky torpedoes or confetti.
"What do your rods do Morag?" He used her name. That had to get some points.
She very deliberately bumped his groin and pressed.
"Let me see what your's does first, before I show you mine in action." She roared with mirth slipping past him out the door.
He couldn't help chuckling himself. She'd set him up. The nube was an open target. Jake leaned out of his door as she sashayed away.
"You are pure evil." He called at her treating back. "Do ya hear me? You are a wicked woman. And that was not fair."
Her shoulders were still shaking as she went up the ladder. Yes though they looked like stairs he'd remembered they were a ladder on a ship. The deck lurched. He'd better get himself up on deck. This was something he didn't want to miss.

I would like to nominate @pinkspectre and @richatvns for the next round.