Comedy Open Mic Round 42 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 91 - The Mermaid's Pussy Took A Hell Of A Beating.

Look at this fine crop of goats. Ripening on the goat tree. Soon they'll be ready for harvest. For which you need a ladder and a really big basket. You can't just shake that goat tree and watch them fall out. Those goats would get bruised and go rotten before they reached the market. Goat harvesting machines are still in their infancy. So the hardy goat farmer must climb each individual goat tree to carefully hand pick each goat. Place that into his basket then pick the next ripe goat. This isn't a job, it's a labor of love. And while that's illegal in most non-goat growing countries we mustn't judge. What they do with those goats is their own business. What do we know about goat farming? Until I saw this picture I didn't even know goats grew on trees. I thought they hatched from eggs, like humans and cats. It does undermine the whole green movement though. Why whine about the rhino and elephant becoming extinct in the wild, when all you have to do is plant more rhino and elephant trees? It's not rocket surgery is it, just pure old fashioned commonsense. Only they're selfishly using that land to grow soy to feed vegans. The fools. We've already got far more vegans than we'll ever need. There you go. I expect you've learned something new today. The world needs far fewer wildlife parks and vegans, and far more panda and tiger orchards.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Huffpost.)

Having sent Pip ahead to scout out the tavern, Jake had some time to go over things with Hermes. Oh and he'd just thought that if the AI got on his nerves he'd call him Herpes instead. That would burn.
"Do you think she'd have actually killed me?" He asked his protector. "After I saved her life?"
"Oh she'd have shot you. No doubt about that. Not fatally."
"That was the vibe I was getting to. She's got divided loyalties poor thing. I wouldn't begrudge her shooting me. Christ if I had a grudge against everyone who shot me in this place." He shook his head ruefully.
"If you did that to everyone who shot you... What?"
"I'd have a lot of grudges? I don't know. Everything confuses me. Particularly what I'm doing now. How the hell did it turn out like this? It makes no sense. Out of the five thousand ways this gambit could have gone wrong it went the only way that wouldn't wreck everything. It's extraordinary."
"It's the narrative reasserting itself." Hermes assured him.
"Now see, I've heard that and I've said it. I don't really know what it means."
"The narrative is how time should go. It's how everything is supposed to happen. When the timeline got ballsed up by the Ashenram, who shouldn't have been here, it ruined the narrative. This is time healing itself. Getting back on track."
He mused on this briefly.
"Is that true?"
"No. Not entirely. It's an explanation for idiots. You'd need knowledge of quantum temporal mechanics to understand the full explanation. And that's some freaky shit. Faster than light travel, time moving in four different directions at once. Backwards, forwards, sideways and upwards."
Jake cut in.
"Right don't tell me anymore. The narrative explanation will do. Bugger. I was going to go in all tough with a lovely soft center. Now I've painted myself into a corner again. By rushing off half cocked. Did I really tell Pip I wanted to beat everyone up?"
"More or less. I thought you were going somewhere with it."
"Well you were wrong. I've got no idea what I'm doing half the time and the other half I'm doing nothing. I like to think of it as being quite balanced."
"In what way?"
"None. I didn't say it was balanced I said I like to think of it like that. If I started telling myself the truth I'd cry. At some point all this luck I'm using will run out. Then I'm screwed."
"There, there. Never mind." His companion responded disinterestedly. "On the positive side I've now received all the confirmations on your dealings. The transactions have gone through. Doesn't that make you feel better?"
"No. I thought it had all been done already. You may have noticed I'm not good with details."
"Now that you come to mention it." Hermes relied sardonically. "You're trying and that's what matters."
"You're still reviewing and cataloging your human form activities in the sex booths aren't you?"
"When I was in human form I did not use any sex booths. I didn't need to. I just went to orgies. Grundel was right though. Human sex is awesome."
"I'll have to take your word for it. I've forgotten."
"Heads up. Pip is on her way back."

The youngster appeared a second or so later. Looking behind her before she approached Jake's place of concealment. Still lugging his sword and rifle with her. Pip was stronger than she looked.

"They've removed the lookouts. Looks like things are settling down into a stalemate of mutual distrust. People are a bit jumpy. Especially those who lost their homes. Itchyelbow's and the Mermaid's Pussy took a hell of a beating."
Jake face palmed.
"Is it really too much to ask for people to call it the tavern? It cuts out an awful lot of these phrasing issues."
"Why?" Her eyebrow arching and a slight smile on her lips.
"Because the tavern taking a hell of a beating sounds better."
"You seem to have calmed down a lot. Half an hour ago you were planning to blow heads off."
Damn he'd forgotten that act he'd put on.
"I'm still angry. I'm barely managing to rein in the anger. That's why I have to distract myself with minor issues."
"Like the Mermaid's Pussy?"
"Not a minor issue. Not a major one either. Moderate."
"Okay." She smirked. "What minor issues have you been distracting yourself with?"
The cunning minx.
"I'm considering getting bullet proof socks. It's been on my mind for a while now. I'd rather not dwell on it. It might tip me over the edge into rampage Jake. Nobody wants that. Stop changing the subject Pip. Was there anything else you spotted on your recce?"
She gazed at him with disbelief.
"I didn't change the subject you did. Why you can't get over the Mermaid's Pussy is beyond me."
"Because I'm about to go into it. Because, whatever happens, someone is going to get hammered in there. Because in the process it could take a hammering or even potentially be destroyed. There's no way I want to be responsible for destroying the Mermaid's... Cat. What about that? Call it the Mermaid's Cat. That's all I ask."
Another arching of her eyebrows.
"You really are getting back to your old self Jake. You sure you still want to kick some ass?"
"Not entirely. There's a principle at stake here. Don't ask what it is. You wouldn't understand. In fact if you don't want me to go all psychotic again it's best you don't question anything. I'm a man on the edge."
Pip held up her hands placatingly.
"Sure. Whatever. As I was saying, before someone interrupted me, the tavern and Itchyelbow's were completely wrecked. Both of them are being held together by tape, string and wishes. There's no spirits worth the name and very little beer. It'll take months for them to get back on an even keel. Not that I'm blaming anyone." She eyed him critically. "Everybody is destitute. They can't even sell what little they have due to Itchyelbow's being gutted. That's going to need a lot of restoration work. Taking the roof out destroyed a lot of the cabling and communication systems. There isn't a building in the whole town that didn't take damage. So people are taking care of themselves first. Lady Margaret has lost more than anyone." Pip lost concentration, looking away guiltily.
So she hadn't scouted out the ship despite being asked to.
"Right. That might explain why everybody hates me. I thought it was pretty much superficial. A few patches and a coat of paint. You don't think about the collateral damage of adventuring."
"So there's no need for you to head into town and hurt anyone." Pip stated hopefully.
Indeed that was the rational response to news such as this. Unfortunately it wouldn't further his actual plan. Which was more about Pip, Margaret and Doxy than anything else.
"No. I'm sticking to the iron fist in a velvet glove."
"What the hell does that mean?" She exploded.
"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind." He held up a hand to restrain Pip from another imminent outburst. She fumed silently. "Hermes, can you sort out some extra's on my account?"
"Already done. There will be additional supplies as needed."
"Did you see The Slayer at all?" Jake asked Pip.
"He's over at the Emporium trying to salvage what he can." She responded sullenly.
"That'll do. Lets get this over with. When I go into the tavern you stay outside."

The youngster brought up the rear. Muttering to herself. Understandable. She couldn't see the bigger picture. Jake could, even though he had trouble seeing the bigger, bigger picture he could see this one. Because he'd painted it. The main street of Port Bristol was empty apart from the odd person carrying tools or materials. Those Custodians sure could bust a place up. His previous observations had been cut short by those scamps shooting at him every time he showed his face. Not today. Pip was also getting a bit of the old snake eye. Totally unfairly in his estimate. There was the tavern. The last time he was there he'd ended up being machine gunned by Margaret. Who had caused a lot of damage herself. Not the time to dwell on blame. Time to make an entrance. Jake worked the handle on the door and kicked it open. Due to the debris inside it didn't quite work out as intended. The door swung back half closed. He'd got people's attention though. Half a dozen of them were clearing up the mess under Margaret's supervision. Jake then closed the door, as Pip disobeyed his direct order and slipped inside. As planned. That was a pleasant surprise.

"Well look what washed up lads and lasses." Margaret intoned sardonically. Jake barred the door as everyone looked towards him. Most with smiles on their faces and a blunt instrument in their hand.
"That wasn't very clever was it." Rumbled the biggest of the men grinning. "Locking yourself in here with us."
Jake beamed back at them all.
"What none of you seem to understand is that I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me."
"Nice steal." Hermes announced admiringly. "Rorschach in the Watchmen movie. I'm proud of you."
No time to bask in the compliment. Only time to remember that he'd played out numerous scenario's dozens of times in the simulation of Port Bristol. The only meaningful difference was that he'd never tried it with this few opponents. This was going to be unfair again. The Hermes turbocharge surged through him everything slowing to a crawl his muscles tingling with raw energy. His kick launched a bench straight at the biggest guys head. He ducked so it took out the two behind him. Lady Margaret headed into her office. To fetch a firearm no doubt. That would make things slightly more challenging.

He took out the biggest first. A two footed drop kick to the face. Now a martial artist would have landed on their feet. Jake was a scrapper not a ninja. So he landed on his back and flipped himself upright in one movement. Heading straight for the others who were still in various stages of reacting to their best man going down. Two were women. He hated to punch them out. But needs must when the devil drives. A diving forward roll brought him up to the last man. As he stood up Jake delivered an uppercut with all his leg and arm strength combined. That guy went down like a felled tree. Which only left drawing his pistol and sticking in right in Margaret's face as she came slowly through the door.

"You so much as blink and I will blow your fucking head off. Beautiful though it is. Now drop your weapon." It thumped to the floor. "Now Pip if you'd do the honors while I keep an eye on Lady Margaret."
He passed his deeply troubled accomplice in crime some plasticuffs. Which she then used to secure the others.
"Why did you come here?" Margaret hissed defiantly, glaring at him.
"I came here to claim my property. I'm now the owner of the whole of Port Bristol."
"Bullshit." She spat back at him.
Jake awkwardly pulled out his firewave, shoving it into her face. She turned it the right way round with a smirk. Then her face dropped as her jaw worked soundlessly.
"Margaret?" Pip was equally as stunned. "What's wrong? He can't own all of Port Bristol. Can he?"
She came back to Jake holding out the cuffs. He took them. Then quick as a flash slipped them over the wrists of both Pip and Margaret. He kicked the gun across the floor.
"Right ladies, get yourselves comfortable. This is only the beginning of the hostile take over."

I would like to nominate @aaaahhhh and @assblasto for the next round.