Comedy Open Mic Round 42 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 92 - I've Spotted A Downward Trend.

Lady Gaga and A Star is Born snubbed by London Critics' Circle Film Awards : Is the major UK entertainments headline currently. Let me explain for the non British why this is not a snub. It's simply a matter of keeping her in her place. They don't want her thinking she's the equal of real actors. Where would that lead? To riots on the streets, mass murder and the collapse of human civilization, that's where. Is that what you want? Because that is what would inevitably happen. They can't have her nominated for an award just because of her acting performance. That's not the way it works. She wasn't privately educated at great expense. She didn't then enter Cambridge University, simply because of the expensive school she attended. She hasn't even spent five years with the Royal Shakespeare Company playing supporting Tudor clothes peg opposite a toilet. She didn't walk straight out of Cambridge into any career she desired regardless of her abilities. If they were to give her an award merely because she was the best actress the system would be destroyed. Far fewer cocks would be sucked and that's fact. Yeah think on that. Whatever you do though don't stop sucking that cock. It's never going to be mine, but I can dream. I'm doing it right now Bradley Cooper. I don't care what your legal team says.

(The copyright to this image is the property of Warner Brothers.)

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Hermes asked with evident concern.
"Am I buggery. I've got no idea. I'm hoping the narrative thing will do most of the heavy lifting." Jake answered hopefully
"You can never rely on the correct narrative of time to do the work for you."
"And yet I am. Look, the concept is simple and elegant. We've got Pip, Margaret and Doxy uncomfortable in each others company. By making myself their enemy I can bring them together in order to thwart me. Someone they hate so much it removes all barriers between them. At least that's the theory. If they are forced to cooperate with one another they will have to drop their other issues."
"Well you've certainly been successful at the first part. Judging by the swearing they're doing, they despise you."
Jake could hear much more than he wanted through the closed door between him and his captives. Cuffed together around a thick wooden roof support. It was disappointing to know how many curses Pip was familiar with. Many of which he didn't know. Not his fault. It was down to Margaret and Doxy. Oh dear. They were listing off the things they'd do to him when they got free.
"Are you absolutely sure we've got all their weapons and gadgets?" He asked eyeing the door warily.
"Almost 100%." The nanite composite assured him.
"Hate to be picky here, but I don't fancy being force fed my own testicles. Exactly how much is almost?"
"Ninety five percent. At least ninety. You can never be 100% on anything as you know. My scans being unable to detect additional weapons and devices doesn't mean they don't have any. It only means I cannot detect any."
"Oh shit. That's reassuring. There's a one in ten chance of me opening that door only to find myself staring at my severed dick a second later."
"One in eight. And before you start moaning I'm rounding up. There's at least an 87% chance you'll leave here intact. What are you worried about?"
"Well the fact that in a matter of seconds the odds have dropped from almost 100% to less than 90."
"That's the thing with odds. They are constantly changing."
"True, but I've spotted a downward trend. Besides you found 9 potentially harmful items on Margaret and 7 on Pip, not including my weapons she was carrying. That's 16, so there's a chance there are two ways they can turn me into raw meat. Unless my math is wrong?" He ended expectantly.
"No. That's about the size of it Jake. Well done."
"Well that's made me feel a whole lot better."
"Has it?"
"No. I suppose I'd better get on with this then. The longer I leave them the more chance there is they'll escape to exact revenge."
"There's a chance that even after this all concludes they'll still be out for your blood."
"I know. I'm hoping they'll let me keep my favorite organs. Let's do this shall we. Are the Custodians in position?"
"They are."

In the main bar. Pip and Margaret were still struggling helplessly while swearing and threatening Jake. Outside four of the custodians took up position at the compass points while the other four projected a huge holographic display in the sky.

"Attention inhabitants of Port Bristol." Jake's voice boomed out across the entire town. "This settlement is now under new ownership." The legal document was plastered across the sky including the, impossible to forge, Consensus seal of authenticity. "As such your existing leasing agreements are now void. Remove yourself from my property. This is not a request. Any and all trespassers will be dealt with by these Custodians. You may gather on the main street outside the tavern whilst remedial repairs are made to the buildings. Once these have been completed the renegotiation of your leases will commence. Be assured you will be compensated for the remaining period of your lease's at the statutory rate. Less any losses or damages to the properties."
Holy shit he could hear their screams of outrage, even in here. Nothing they could do about it. There were eight heavily armed drones, any one of which could level half the town. As if on cue an army of mechanized repair bots marched into view. Heading towards their intended targets. Automated trucks followed on with more than enough materials to rebuild the place from scratch. The gathering crowd was making a lot of noise. No direct action against the mechanoids. It would have been futile and they knew it. They were screwed as far as they could see. The compensation on their leases would reflect the damaged buildings and be consequently derisory. Their new landlord, Jake, would obviously want payment for the huge amount of money invested. Even the repairs would have bankrupted everyone. To top it off their leases would reflect the value of the repaired and refurbished structures. Swarms of smaller repair units emerged from the vehicles carrying the materials. Ranging in size from 15 to 45cm across. In excess of a hundred began to scuttle over the houses and workplaces. The work would be completed in less than 3 hours according to Hermes. Itchyelbow's would take the longest to return to pristine condition.

Jake heard Margaret and Pip exclaiming as the bots, large and small entered the tavern. Instantly setting about carrying out remedial work. They weren't in any danger. They knew it. That wasn't fear the ladies were expressing. It was an exponential increase in the ire they felt towards him. Pip was definitely the most emphatic. That was beyond doubt. The only reason he wouldn't be toast would be because there wouldn't be enough of him left to smear across half a slice. Outside the crowd was in danger of becoming a mob. These people were pretty tough on average. You could only push them so far before they'd push back. That was where the additional resources came in. A little tanker of beer rolled down the main street. Closely followed by a food truck. Free beer and free food. The potential riot was being catered. Despite their initial misgivings the inhabitants made the best of a bad job. They were about to lose everything. They might as well do so on a full belly. It had gone awful quiet in there all of a sudden. The only audible noise being the mechanized repair unit going about their work.

"Do you think I should check on them?" He asked Hermes.
"Why are you asking me?" His biot friend returned.
"Because I thought you were monitoring their every move."
"Well you thought wrong. I'm no longer the overclocked leviathan I once was. These walls are two inches thick. I can tell you they're still where you left them. That's about it. If they had moved I would have updated you."
"Aw shit. Where are they now?"
"I just told you. Exactly where you left them. Give or take. It's these walls they distort everything."

Jake got up from his chair, creeping over to the door separating him from the saloon. Putting his ear to the door he listened intently. All he could hear was the whirring, whining and hammering bots at work. He did a few of those breathing exercises Raven had taught him before opening it and daring to look out. They were sitting down. Either side of the roof support beam. Not talking though. Balls. Was it his imagination or had one of those dumb mechanoids moved the table where their weapons had been placed. To Jake it looked a lot closer to them than it had been. They'd each hooked a chair with their leg to pull close enough to sit on. That table could be within reach. Another deep breath and he stepped out. They looked at him sullenly. Jake circled around them keeping his distance. Eyes locked on the two ladies he side stepped around until he reached that table. A quick count. All knives, daggers, stunners assorted accouterments accounted for. Jake scooped them up with a self satisfied smile he quickly removed. He who laughs last laughs longest. This didn't mean anything. They could be biding their time. Right now those women could be probing for weaknesses. Ready to pounce. Hell bent on vengeance. Still not daring to turn his back on them he shuffled to the door then through it. As he closed it Pip spoke.

"I'm sorry Margaret. This is all my fault. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid as to think I could save her from that thing. It was killing her. What else could I do?"
Jake left a crack placing his ear to it.
"Is this entirely ethical?" Hermes queried. "Eavesdropping on them like this."
"Shut up. This is as immoral as fuck. Any morals I have fly right out of the window where my survival is concerned. They could get up to anything. Ethics is for people who don't have to worry about their giblets being strung around like Christmas decorations."
Margaret hadn't spoken yet. Jake shushed Hermes.
"What thing are you on about Pip? Weren't no thing that betrayed me. Twas you and the Captain."
He heard a chair scrape. Jake put his eye to the crack. In time to witness Pip whispering into Margaret's ear. She gasped in horror at what she heard before sitting back.
"That thing." Pip ended.
"I've heard of them. Couldn't say I believed or disbelieved in them. Thought it was mostly tall tales. Certainly explains a lot of things. So what's this Halliday got to do with everything?"

When you know bugger all, it's a common mistake to think everyone else is far better informed than you. It was dawning on Jake that the townsfolk wouldn't have known anything about the Ashenram. Only those on the Scarlet Harlot would be aware. And the two groups weren't speaking. Pip delivered her story of the events. Missing out any mention of the vile creature and its use of its powers to influence everyone. The fact he'd saved her life was well covered. At the mention of it Margaret glanced toward the other room where Jake was. No mention of his death, subsequent resurrection or temporary super powers. No lying. Simply missing out bits that might reveal too much.

"I've got no idea what's got into him. Or where he got his money from. He sold his last possessions to help me."
"One things for sure." Margaret stated. "This wasn't your fault. We're two grown women me and the Captain. You saved us both."
"Then why won't she even look at me? It's like she can't bear the sight of me."

Jake hastily withdrew from his spying. This was getting into personal territory. Female, emotional, intuitive territory. Best left to those with the tools to deal with it. He contented himself with checking on how the work was going on his new empire. Oh yes, he was a man of property. One who an hour later called in the first of his prospective tenants. The work was gathering pace. As the systems of the machines grew more familiar with the project. The drill was the same for each of the inhabitants. They came into his office, strictly speaking Margaret's, were told the details and given five seconds to make their minds up. Once they did they had to sign a confidentiality agreement agreeing never to reveal the details of what had taken place. Not surprisingly none of them rejected his deal. They didn't have any choice. Eventually there was only one left. Jake went to fetch Margaret. Releasing her then re-securing Pip to the support post. The landlady of the tavern was given almost exactly the same terms as all the others. Except for a couple of minor points.

"Finally." Jake said. "You will agree to rename the aforementioned tavern and remove all traces of its previous identity. Including the sign. The new name should in no way be an innuendo or other linguistic trick. Not even if it's in a foreign language. If you agree to that please put your thumb print here. I warn you this is a deal breaker for me. I will brook no dissent."
Margaret sat back, crossing her arms. A small tight smile on her lips.
"You can shove it up your ass then."
"What do you mean? Are you crazy? I'm giving you the freehold to this place and Itchyelbow's for nothing. They're yours forever. You'll never have to pay rent or take out a new lease. All I want from you is your thumb print and an agreement to change its name. Why won't you accept it? Is it because you think it's charity."
"No. I don't like ultimatums, being pressured or forced into a corner. The only reason I'm not going to torture and kill you is because you saved Pip's life. I'll go along with that little scheme of yours. That's my final offer."
"What? Wait. That's not an offer. You aren't giving me anything. It's me giving you everything. If I throw in twenty thousand credits as a sweetener will that change your mind?"
"No." Margaret shook her head emphatically
"Fine. You are now the proud owner of the Mermaid's Pussy. Put your thumb print here please."
"Not until I get the twenty thousand credits you promised me."
"Really? Are you sure you don't want thirty?"
"Alright then. I'm not signing until I get the thirty thousand credits you promised me."
He shook his head.
"I'll get it transferred now. How the hell did you know you could do that?"
"Because as the Captain of the Harlot always says, this ain't my first time at the rodeo."
A tiny little light bulb flashed inside his head.

I would like to nominate @cotarelo and @luzcypher for the next round.