Comedy Open Mic Round 41 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 86 - Twenty Questions?

I don't know about you (and I don't really care to be honest), but I've always loved a difficult crossword puzzle. Even though I can never color them in properly. I think it's the size of the crayons I'm using. I'm going to stick with them though. They are my lucky crayons. The ones I use to write all my political speeches, because they save me from having to use my own shit, which I collect and catalog meticulously before storing in the shit freezer. The politicians and celebrities I write for don't seem to have a problem with crayon, so why should I. Anyway the other day I had a flashback to a life altering childhood memory. One that made me the man I am today. Looking back as an adult I can't decide whether I was touched by fate or the old man who lived just up the street from me. It's impossible to say, due to the nondisclosure agreement. Oh dear. That's actually a good point. There isn't a lot I can reveal about that day without breaking the law. A law that is there to protect me from ever having to stand up in a criminal court and reveal what the rich powerful man did to me. So I'll quickly jump to the conclusion I reached that saved me a lot of trouble throughout the rest of my life.

1. Rules are never applied equally.
2. Rules never have been applied equally.
3. Rules never will be applied equally.
4. Rules are intended to disadvantage some groups and advantage other groups.
5. It's only when their specific group is disadvantaged by a rule that the sheep whine about it.
6. The whole of human history has shown this to be a constant, but every new victim of the rules is always surprised and horrified.

Now let's get this truck of nonsense on the road of gibberish.

(The copyright of this image is the property of The Palm Beach Post.)

Jake paused at the doorway to the decks below, giving Pip an encouraging wink. She smiled back at him, still holding his hat.

"Before we go any further I want you to know I'm going to have to break Doxy. Only a little bit, but she will be broken." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a fistful of plastic cuffs. "Save a couple of pairs of those for her. She will not be happy. You okay with that?"
Why did he ask? He already knew the answer. Jake could see it. Along with everything else that was about to happen. His path to the hold was a Jake shaped tunnel he would pass through. Pip nodded an affirmative.
"Yes. What should I do with your hat?"
"Wear it." She put it on her head. Tucking her hair in to form a tighter fit. "Damn. It looks better on you than me. I still want it back though." He twitched his head out of the path of a bullet.
Pip ran her fingers along the brim then flicked it with her forefinger.
"I'm with you Wanderer. I want to see him get his. I need to see it."
"I know and you shall Cinderella?"
"Who's she?" Pip asked.
"It's a long story. Entirely unsuitable for a person of your age. And I must remember that none of my cultural references mean anything here."
"Is it about sex? This Cinderella story?"
"No."
She looked at him suspiciously.
"Are you sure? I'm not a kid you know. I told you I've seen intercourse before."
"I know. That's why it's unsuitable for you. It's a kids story."
She shrugged not entirely believing his excuse.
"What are we waiting for?"
Jake grinned at her.
"All of the little ducks to line up. In 8 seconds the ship will move a bit. Two seconds before that Daisy will climb aboard. That's when we move." He took off his coat with a flourish.
"I cannot believe you are going to do this." Hermes burbled.
"We are going to do it mate. On three." Jake stated.
"Three." The AI announced.

He stepped onto the stairs leading below decks, his coat held before him matador style. The central passageway led into the ships interior, with matching doors and openings to either side. Jake stomped towards the first of these, halting suddenly. A razor sharp sword stabbed into the space where he would have been. Straight down the sleeve of his coat. A nanosecond before another thrust from the opposite side. Into the other sleeve. Wrapping the body of the coat around the two trapped arms he pulled their owners into the corridor, tangling them up before slamming their heads together.

"That's just showboating." Pip admonished as she cuffed the two unconscious bodies to one another wrist to ankle. That would slow them down if they regained consciousness. He gave her an approving nod. Pip preened herself and ran her fingers around the brim of his hat once more. "If you don't let me keep this I think I'll get one anyway."
"Looks like I've started yet another fashion trend then. How things looking your end Hermes?"
"Hit one thousand percent efficiency ages ago. Which is unfortunate?"
"How so?" Jake asked.
"I can't measure beyond that. Now I'm never going to know how supercharged I was. We could be gods and we won't know it."
"I know, but being a god seems too much like hard work to me. This is fun, don't get me wrong. However I'm far more comfortable with being an inept, pathetic, failure."
"Knowing exactly what's going to happen is pretty boring I suppose." His guardian agreed.
The young woman tapped her foot impatiently.
"Are all your ducks lined up yet?"
"Not quite." Jake replied. "Take a half step back into that doorway."
Rapid semiautomatic fire sprayed where he and Pip had been standing, Jake having pressed himself behind a thick upright beam. Slipping his coat on he brought out his rifle again. Sending a stun grenade down the narrow corridor. The flash and thump leaving both assailants blind, disorientated and helpless. He walked towards them without the need for sight. In a way he'd already done this. All Jake was doing was a reenactment. Two more bit the dust where Pip tied and tidied them up.
"Do you want to play twenty questions?" Hermes enthused.
"Sure. Might as well do something to break the monotony."
"No cheating by looking ahead in time though."
"Goes without saying. We're not allowed to change it half way through either. You go first then."
"Give me a bit. Gotta think of a good one. Right got it. It's a movie star."
"Is it a woman?"
"No."
The ship rocked slightly. Jake moved out.
"It's not an animal is it?"
"No." Replied Hermes mildly offended. "It's not a bloody cartoon either.
"That's a shame. I was thinking of Jessica Rabbit."
"Now I am as well. It's not a woman or a cartoon."
"Is he still alive?"
Jake sidestepped a swinging sword and pushed the pistol in the other hand out of the way, the shot hitting the wall harmlessly. They were learning. Another stabbed the thin air he'd been standing in, from behind. Well some of them were. He punched both men to the floor in quick succession.
"Yes. At least he was last time I looked."
"Over thirty?"
"Yes."
Jake continued along to the next set of stairs that would take them down to the entrance to the hold. Where they turned 180 degrees. Pip was corpsing holding her sides.
"What are you doing you crazy fool?"
"I'm playing a game of twenty questions with Hermes. I'd let you join in but you can't hear him and it's all about my home world. Has he won an Oscar?"
"I'm going to say yes. Damn that's given you a major clue."
"Not necessarily." Jake riposted, drawing his sword again. "It's only ruled out actor and supporting actor. He could have got one for directing, writing or a collective one as in best film." Without looking he parried the two swords being waved at him. "Pip could you move back a bit. I need some of space."
Saying this he turned sideways the sword lunging past him carrying its bearer into close proximity. He swung the woman round then shoved her into the wall where Pip had been standing. A round fizzed through where she'd once been. A sharp blow the the back of her head with his free hand, as he parried another flurry. The brunette slid to the deck.
"He just saved your life Frances." Pip advised the unconscious form as she bound the woman's wrists together with her legs.
"Was it a best picture Oscar? Stay down Pip there's two more coming any second now. Plus the one that's hiding in the doorway up there. That only leaves Doxy and the Ashenram. Come on Hermes, was it a best picture Oscar?"
"Yes. Bugger. Never should have qualified it."
"Was he over forty when we left my earth?"
"Yeah. Bloody pointless. I wish I had cheated now."
The clash of steel punctuated their conversation. Jake gave Pip another wink.
"Soon be there. We're only waiting for the other two to turn up. Which I've got to do because that's the way it's going to happen. Sorry for the delay only JP is giving them instructions. Really bad ones as it turns out. That's a major problem with being able to control everyone. No need to learn strategy or tactics beyond the simple basics. Is it Brad Pitt?"
"Bollocks. Yes it is. You win."
"No I haven't. Now it's my turn. Which, as we both knew before we even started, will have to wait until this is over. No distractions if we both want to enjoy this."
"I'm fucking recording it." Hermes answered. "Then watching it a few hundred times in slow motion. Right they're setting up the turret."
"Thank God for that. Let's do this."
Pip was still hunkered down over Frances.
"What should I do?" She queried.
"Whatever you like. They aren't going to have enough time to set it up. Follow on behind. Don't bother cuffing them. They'll be out until after I fuck Jean-Pierre up big stylee. Even though I know precisely how this turns out I'm so excited I might freak."
Jake sprinted along the dimly lit passageway. He would have to get used to calling things by their naval names now. Not stairs, ladders. No walls only bulkheads. He shoulder charged the first one while shoving his fist in the face of the second. They were down but not out. A man, who resembled something carved out of a substantial lump of granite, was setting up a chain gun turret. Jake jumped feet first, both of his boots catching the hulk in the chest sending him staggering backward. The other three were storming down the passageway towards him. Their weapons drawn. What kind of thanks was that for saving their lives? That chain gun would have been set on constant fire, turning them into lumps of meat.

The leviathan was still climbing to his feet as Jake hit all three of those chasing him. Clotheslining two and headbutting the third who went down without a sound. The first two were silenced by two stamps of his feet. Jake turned to face his final meaningful opponent. Over two meters tall, with muscles on his muscles. The guy had to be Polynesian judging by the tattoos among other things. A huge fist swung into Jake's face. He didn't even flinch. This was so unfair. His boot to the groin lifted over two hundred pounds an inch off the floor. They would definitely need the medibot. Grabbing him by the chest Jake banged the mans head against the ceiling twice, violently. Before letting his body collapse to the deck. Not ceiling, overhead. Cupping his hands around his mouth, Jake hollered.

"JP darling. Don't run off without me, you yellow bellied cock sucker. Aren't you even going to kiss me goodbye?" He sniffed the air. "Can you smell that Pip?"
"No. Wait. Yeah I think I'm getting something faint but really unpleasant. Like a dog that's rolled in week old piss."
"That's fear. Which means the Captain will be coming at us like a Kamikaze... That means suicidal attack. This is the part where I have to break her a bit."
"Hold on. You said only a little bit."
"Yeah I know. I lied."

I would like to nominate @coruscate and @assblasto for the next round.