Comedy Open Mic Round 41 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 87 - The Grande Finale.

Almost two weeks ago I spotted a news item that revealed that Starbucks in the US will be blocking porn on their free wifi. Now being a filthy, deviant, pervert; to me this has raised far more questions than it has answered. First it's only in the US. Does that mean it's only a problem there? Or does it mean the rest of the world isn't so uptight about internet porn. Can they really afford to stop these people downloading porn? It can't be the coffee they go to Starbucks for can it. Mainly, what's in the forefront of my mind is: Who are these people who go out to a public place to download their porn? I always thought it was a private activity. Something you did when your parents, partner or children weren't around. You locked the door before accessing it and then deleted the browser history punctiliously. (I know the reason, I think, but I'm ignoring it because it's more fun). Now I can understand Starbucks objections to internet porn. Many customers will be put off by someone masturbating furiously at the next table. Surely Starbucks could tell them to just move out of the firing line. I am aware that hot jiz on the back of your neck is not everyone's cup of tea (They aren't there for the tea, it's shit) but live and let live I say. In the town where I live they've opened a new Starbucks in a store. There's also one in the local library. Now in those situations I can fully understand the ban. Is that mayonnaise on the kids lunchables? Only one way to find out mom. Clean up in aisle five. Another solution would be to open a sperm bank in every Starbucks I suppose, I understand there's a shortage of donors. Finally why single out these people? It could all be perfectly innocent, they aren't looking at porn they're doing research for the script/novel they're writing. Now let's get some more of my GMO and additive free nonsense out the door.

(The copyright to this image is the property of Reuters.)

The doors to the hold were wide open. An eye and mind bending sight. Given that it was far larger than the ship it was in. Jake stood beside Pip on the threshold to a small universe inside a ship inside another universe. Fold space was immensely complicated. Especially given that the space you folded didn't belong to you. It had to come from somewhere else apparently. He had no real idea. Despite having almost god like powers they didn't stretch to comprehending physics this advanced. Jake had only now discovered the second law of thermodynamics wasn't a law, it was a general rule that couldn't be applied universally. What with that and time and reality not really existing the physicists had outpaced him yet again. It was almost as if they did these things intentionally. Pip, arms folded, tapped her foot impatiently.

"There's only two ducks left." She stated. "Are we waiting for them to line up?"
Jake gave her a smile. She refused to accept it. Her mind only really on the Captain at this point.
"Not exactly." He paused, she glared. Jake paused some more. "You see Doxy is acting as his rearguard while he runs away. There's another exit about half a kilometer away."
"Are you sure? I've never seen it."
"I'm more than sure. I can see what's going to happen there in a short while. It will not be pleasant. Anyway, where was I? Oh Christ. I might need your assistance Hermes. I'm getting confused as to what and when this is. Oh thanks. That'll do. So I was saying. JP is running away. Doxy is waiting in there to ambush us. She can hear us now. Can't you Doxy?" There was no reply. He hadn't expected one. Partly due to her not wanting to give her position away and mainly because that wasn't in this time stream. Or was it a thread? "What I'm doing now is waiting until he finally works out taking one of the mechanized trolleys will get him away quicker. Damn he is so fucking stupid. When he's done that. We can close these doors, go up on deck and walk to the other exit. Arriving slightly before he does."
Pip nodded appreciatively.
"That's a good idea. The Captain and he will be widely separated so you can deal with him before she catches up."
"Precisely. Now we can close the doors." They did so, locking them both firmly. He started humming much to her annoyance. Brushing the dust and dirt from his clothes. "Now we relock these doors which Doxy just opened before heading after fuck face. Only this time we make sure they are impassable from within."
Pip had instantly realized the misdirection Jake had given. She wasn't a moron. Neither was the Captain.
"How do we do that?"
"Hermes has already done it. Nice work to. Boy that's a complicated algorithm for the code. How long do you think it would take to crack that my main man."
"Don't ever call me that again. As an AI, I find it offensive and patronizing. With the right equipment it would take just short of a million years. I've got the exact figure but you don't want that do you?"
"Are you still angry about me guessing it was Brad Pitt?"
"Damn right I am. It was solid gold until I spoiled it. World famous Oscar winning actor who won it as part of an ensemble. There were so many dead ends you could have gone down."
"Get over it. Sorry Pip. I'm being heckled. Now this door is locked and Doxy is racing after that cowardly sack of shit. Who she'll catch up with very quickly owing to the 50 to 60 points of IQ she has over the limp prick. They'll both come to this door, only to find it sealed. Then they have to head back again to the emergency exit. Where we'll be waiting."
"That seems a bit over complicated." Pip opined. "I think we could have come up with something far less intricate that would have taken less time."
"Me too. Don't forget I didn't make up this plan. At least I don't think I did. All I'm doing is following the script. So to speak. My path is already laid out. I know it always has been. That's the nature of time. At least until some outside actor buggers it up. Hey. What happened to me being the greatest hero ever?" He pleaded.
"That was before you came back from the dead and said you'd break the Captain... How much are you going to break her? You said you'd lied before, don't lie now."
"I will keep the physical injuries to the minimum necessary. There will be broken bones. That can't be helped. If I don't incapacitate her completely I'll have to kill her. But that doesn't happen. I promise. On Hermes life."
"Oi you bastard." The AI responded. Before swiftly recanting. "I already know exactly what's going to happen to. Still that wasn't nice. Even if you were always going to say it."
Pip remained unconvinced.
"That's not how you're going to break her is it. Broken bones are nothing. A few hours at most to repair. There's more."
Jake put on his most innocent look.
"I was going to tell you. Only Hermes distracted me. Quite rightly. No harm no foul. By the way we should move out in a bit. They've started coming back this way. Well young woman I'm going to pretty much humiliate her. She'll be as helpless as a kitten. That will take a lot more getting over than broken bones."
"So what happens. In the future I mean. Will she be okay in a month from now?"
"Ordinarily I'd love this next bit. Only I like you and your nice. I can't tell you, I'm sorry. It would affect the timeline."
Pip paled.
"It's about me isn't it?" She intuited. "Me and the Captain?"
"Well look at the time. We should be going."
The young woman begrudgingly accepted that.
"There's a ladder and a hatch this way." She pointed with her thumb.
"I know. We don't need to go up on deck though. There's a secret passage right here takes us to the other end of the hold." He walked over to a bulkhead and pressed it in two places. A small hatchway sprung open. Now Pip was furious. She stood with her hands on her hips. That was a very scary look.
"Why did you lie about that? You said we'd go up on deck." She shoved past him and crawled into the opening.
"Because Doxy will have worked out we're going over the deck. She'll know exactly how long that takes. Right now she's expecting to reach the secret exit before us, because she's really clever and resourceful. When she doesn't JP will over react. She'll go ape shit under his control as his fear and anger responses kick in full power and the battle is won. The other way he'll kill her out of spite. Anymore questions?" He asked her ass.
"Okay. I get it. Do we need to move quickly?"
"Only as quickly as you're actually going to move. Knowing exactly what's going to happen sucks balls. The super senses and super strength are awesome admittedly. Although they make everything too easy. I need failure. It's character building."
They rapidly made their way along the wooden tunnel in the darkness. When Pip reached the far end she brought out a flashlight.
"How do I open this?"
"Press the top right and bottom left corners."
Another hatch opened. Letting them out at the opposite end of the ship and the hold. They clambered out. Pip glancing at him uncertainly.
"I'm sorry. You saved my life knowing it would kill you and not knowing this would happen. It's not permanent is it?"
"Christ I hope not. I couldn't cope." He winked again.
She slapped at him playfully.
"You died saving me and I've acted like a complete brat. I owe you."
"I understand. Doxy is like a sister to you. It's only natural you're worried about her. Besides you've pulled me out of the shit several times and I seem to remember some semen. 47 different types if memory serves me."
"Didn't I drop you in that?" She replied.
"Don't spoil it. We're having a moment here. Can I feel a hug coming on?"
"No."
Saying which she threw her arms around him. He patted her awkwardly while returning it.
"Let's get these doors open. Hermes do the honors please if you would."
"Try and stop me." Hermes laughed.

They swung inwards revealing the Ashenram and Doxy. Over a hundred meters away speeding along in their trolley which skidded to a halt. The Frenchman's scream of outrage reaching them as the two passengers dismounted. Doxy headed towards them slowly while he opened a crate on the transport. Pulling a heavy device from within then lowering it to the floor where he knelt furiously pressing buttons. It lit up. A sickly green brown light emanating from the control panel. Jake closed with Pip a few steps behind. Meanwhile Doxy placed herself between them and her slave master. Drawing her twin blades. For a closer shave. Jake smiled at Pip.

"You know what to do."
"Because I've already done it. Be gentle with her. For me please."
He nodded. The Ashenram crowed triumphantly.
"You stupid fool. You have already lost."
Why did this guy's French accent grate so much? Jake knew the answer. It wasn't the accent. It was the attitude and that weird smell.
"I think You'll find I haven't pencil dick. Sorry JP that was a low blow as well as a huge over estimate of your endowment. You haven't got enough there to put down a deposit on a pimple."
"All I have to do is hit this switch." His extended finger poised over it. "And I will be gone. There's nothing you can do to stop it."
Jake didn't bother watching Doxy. That was already taken care of. He wanted to enjoy this experience fully.
"Granted. I cannot prevent you pushing that switch." The finger jabbed down. Nothing happened. "I should have said. While you were running around like a headless chicken, pissing yourself with fear, a lady called Daisy has been doing her bit. The ship's been moved back into the fold space warehouse. That ain't gonna work you shit eating fuck wit. Try pushing it harder and if that doesn't work switch it off and on again. If there's still no joy call tech support. I'm sure they'll be glad to help you"
The Ashenram emitted a high pitched scream.
"Kill them. Kill them all."
Jake grinned.
"I'd alter that tone with the techies. They can be easily offended. Now wait there a minute or run away some more. I'll be right with you after this short message. Fuck you mother fucker."
Doxy came at him like a raging storm. Her blades a blur of motion weaving intricate patterns in the air. He waited. Looked down at his feet and then cleaned his right boot on the back of his left leg. Her attack a lightning strike speed. He swayed out of its path. Moving between the swords effortlessly. Grabbing her arm then spinning her round and kicking her in the ass. She recovered instantly a new assault. This time her own movements random and fast. She screamed with rage as the twin horns of death flashed towards him. They stopped short. Their razor sharp edges caught between the thumb and forefinger of his hands. Doxy pressed up close another toxic ceramic Ashenram blade shooting from her wrist into his chest. Jake looked down at it mildly interested as it dissolved.
"Yum, yum." Hermes purred. "Lots of lovely poisonous nanites. They are delicious. Processed, cataloged and countermeasures developed. These babies won't be doing anyone any harm anymore."
That little trick intended entirely for the Ashenram's benefit.
"You are a pathetic bitch. I told you to kill him. Why do none of my toys work? What is wrong with them? Kill him."
He was spitting with fear fueled fury. Doxy wasn't beaten yet. She released the swords in Jake's grasp and stepped back. Those were some pretty impressive martial arts skills. He caught her leg one handed and swung Doxy in a long arc before sending her flying. Rolling to her feet she flew back at him.
"Sorry." He murmured.
Slapping away her rain of blows nonchalantly he waited for her to over extend. Slipping out of the way he broke her arm at the elbow. She gasped. Staggering back before launching an avalanche of kicks at him. Again without looking he caught her right leg. Using her momentum to lift Doxy high in the air before slamming her body down on the ground. His kick sent her sliding across the floor over 6 meters. He jumped landing beside the still struggling body lying at Pip's astounded feet. His fist smashed down twice. Out for the count. The bullet caught him in the back. Jake grinned at Pip.
"Go get him Wanderer."
The grande finale. Another round in his lower back this time. Poor little bastards hands were shaking. He could have avoided both of them, but that wouldn't have pushed home the point. Jake walked slowly towards his adversary.
"How you doing J? You puss ball. I've only met you once and I despise you."
The pistol emptied at him. Jake didn't even have to dodge. The Ashenram was shaking so much now. The stench unbelievable. It was tossed aside. He pulled out the sword at his waist. Held it limply before discarding that as well.
"You wouldn't shoot an unarmed man. That would be cowardly."
Jake laughed as he drew his rifle.
"It's a bit late to be taking the moral high ground JP. You shot me in the back. Twice." He jacked one into the chamber.
"You are not the type.." JP screamed as his right hand exploded.
"Apparently I am. That was explosive. The next ones incendiary. I've never tried that before. I don't even know what color it's going to be."
It hit the creature in the foot. He hopped around screeching his agony then dropping to the floor his boot burning ornge. An imploring arm extended.
"I know you Wanderer. I know everything she knew. I can tell you all those secrets they won't reveal. The knowledge I hold could make you the master here."
"Mmmmm. Let me think." The other foot dissolved in a splattered of blood. "I'm not sure." He took out a knee. "Drop your pants and show me your cock and balls."
Through gritted teeth the monster whined.
"I can't. Only one hand, see."
The other knee brought some even more high pitched squeals.
"Well I'm just gonna keep blowing bits off you until you do JP. Drop your pants like a good little boy. Do as your told or I'll go really hard on you."
It was awkward with one hand. Especially on the floor. After a prolonged painful struggle the pants slid down those legs. His groin as smooth as a Barbie doll. Pip started to laugh. The Ashenram winced. Jake put one through his chest.
"You are going to find it very hard to kill me Wanderer. Even if you do I can be resurrected. Hundreds and thousands of years after I die."
"I'm not going to kill you JP. You don't deserve the peace of death. I'm going to keep shooting holes in you until I'm satisfied with the punishment. Then I'm going to put you in your own personal time loop. So you can go through this whole thing over and over again. Thanks to an acquaintance of mine you'll remember every single moment of every single iteration. Not to worry though. After about two or three thousand of those, some Time Agents are going to show up to carry out all sorts of hideous experiments on you. So you can escape the boredom for a bit. Something to look forward to. That'll take a couple of hundred years after which they'll know how to remove you and all the other vermin permanently. You not dying is going to save countless planets JP. You should be proud. Now I'm going to blow your jaw off, because I'm sick of your annoying whining voice. Any last words?" The gun kicked in his hands. "Thought not."

The outline of the explosively dismembered Ashenram disappeared into the distance without moving. Jake went over to Pip who was mopping the still unconscious Doxy's brow.
"She's burning up Jake." The worried teenager explained.
"Better get her to Daisy then. She'll sort her out. The withdrawal won't be pretty."
He swung Doxy over his shoulders as gently as he could.
"Remind me never to piss you off." Pip stated with a weak grin.
"Only if you remind me never to assume god like powers again."
"Amen to that." Hermes groaned.

I would like to nominate @themarkymark and @heberwords for the next round.