Comedy Open Mic Round 38 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 69 - I've Just Pissed Down My Leg Thanks To You.

Believe it or not this is a picture of the LOS ANGELES RIVER. The home of Hollywood, where we all know the most progressive and green people on the planet live. In the most progressive and green state in the USA. Somebody please tell them this is not a fucking river. It does not represent progress, except in an extremely negative light, and it is not green. Let them know that there is a reason why there are wildfires burning down celebrity homes (There are several hundred poorer people who have also been mildly inconvenienced by loosing all they own, but no one gives a fuck about them so MEH!), it's because you fucked with Mother Nature habitually. This is her public statement in support of your #metoo movement. You've assaulted her repeatedly. Her statement isn't hypocritical virtue signalling nor purely for cosmetic purposes. Now they'll make a movie about it. A movie in which a multimillionaire will earn more millions pretending to fight those fires. Far more than all the men and women combined made from actually fighting it. How's that for being progressively inclusive? You won't be telling their "stories" you'll be exploiting their bravery for your own profit as usual.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Places Journal.)

Rolling around on the ground, cradling his freshly crushed nuts with a stabbed hand, Jake reflected that this was happening with increased frequency. Having gone through life without being regularly smashed in the balls, it was not something he'd been familiar with. It had never appeared on any to do list he'd written or even his bucket list. Now he was thinking of putting it on his resume. Should he be thankful that the agony of his hand was mildly distracting? Taking his attention away from his tenders briefly when it screamed for attention. Now would be a good time to go over what he was doing wrong. Making the wrong choices at every single turn featured heavily in the analysis. Right now though he was still trying not to vomit all over the place. In extreme debilitating agony, Jake raised himself onto his knees. His one good hand holding his testicles while the other throbbed horribly in counterpoint to the thick soup now occupying his scrotum. Would he still be able to have children? No loss they'd only have ended up stabbing him. It was the pain going on for so long that prompted him to act, in the only way he knew how, to this state of affairs.

"Hermes mate, can you do something about this pain?" Yes he was passing the problem on to someone else.
"Bit busy here." His internal guardian trilled. "Got my hands full fighting off the toxin that's trying to kill you. Not helped by it being completely new to me and you interrupting. Tricky little bastard. Wants to destroy your central nervous system and the major organs. Here you go. This is all I can spare."
Jake felt the wash of analgesia rush over him. Though still painful it was now manageable. He climbed to his feet wobbling precariously.
"Shit. I feel like death warmed up."
"Yep, standing up wasn't the best idea you've ever had. It's increased your blood pressure and the speed at which the poison is spreading."
"Do you need me to lie down again? Only I'm trying to track Pip."
"Should be okay." Hermes responded. "I'm holding my own against it now. Hopefully I'll be able to find a fix."

He rubbed at his eyes with his left hand. The right still had a gaping wound, which was bleeding profusely. Hermes prioritizing trying to flush out the toxin he surmised. Moving around was something he could look forward to in the future. He contented himself with studying his surroundings. They'd been ignored while he tried to accost Pip, without any trouble ironically. He was still in a sandy area. Covered in coarse marram grass. That would make tracking harder he imagined. Never having tracked anyone before he wasn't sure. The fact he could see a few imprints of small feet, which then disappeared in the foliage, supported that theory. He threw up violently without warning.

"That was me." Hermes advised. "I'm getting the upper hand. That big cup of coffee you drank is helping out enormously here. You will need a good long piss very shortly."
"Roger." Jake replied. "Be sure to let me know in advance if there are any other holes you'll need to make use of."

Daisy had given him that drink right before she left him. As though she knew he'd be grateful for it very shortly. Hermes was right. That lady was superhuman, even for a place where everyone apart from him was near perfect. Okay, he had to put himself in the position of a preteen here. That was a stretch. He'd had very little contact with them since his preteen's. She was smart and resourceful. Her logic and feelings wouldn't be that different from his own if he were in her position. The two women that had been her parents had taken up arms against one another. Her best friend was called Crazy Daisy. An extraordinary woman no doubt, not an active principle though. A very powerful person who rarely exercised her powers. So, two of the three people she trusted most in the world had turned on one another. Pip had removed herself from the situation. Why? The girl knew Jean-Pierre had some influence or hold over both of them. Thinking back Jake was certain that influence extended to the crew. Not as fully. Pip had no idea who to trust. She had no particular reason to trust him. Especially given that this had only happened after he'd joined the mix. He needed a piss.

"That seems to have gotten rid of the worst of it." Hermes announced, his message making Jake jump. Only because he was taking a leak in public. His conditioning outweighing his knowledge.
"I've just pissed down my leg thanks to you."
"Oh right." His AI huffed. "No thanks for saving your life. You're welcome by the way. Property is so hard to find in my line of work. How much did some urine on your leg hurt you? Not at all. It's mostly water."
"Fine. Sorry."
"With some seriously fucked up poison that might cause a burning sensation."
"No worries. I'm still too preoccupied, with my gonads and the hand, to give a shit right now. I'm venting. How is it that every time I get a choice, I get it wrong? I'm headed for the perfect game here. As long as it's buggering up everything. My own fault. Should have known she'd be badly spooked and very defensive. Poisoning her blade though? That isn't something I'd think of her doing."
"There's no way she's responsible in my humble opinion." Hermes contradicted. "That toxin is unknown on this planet. Must have been brought in from elsewhere, because I don't see her making it either. That was military grade stuff. My guess is you find out who she got that knife from you've found the source."
"Well you've met Pip at least. Not at her best I have to admit. Let's see if we can track her down, without anyone else getting injured. That's chiefly me really. I'm not a fan of pain in any of its diverse forms. Although I do like the stuff they use to make it go away. I think she headed off in that direction." He waved his arm to indicate the tracks.
"That was no use to me. I have no idea where to look. I don't use your arms or body, remember."
He turned to face the tracks.
"There you go. What do you think? Do I earn my junior tracker badge?"
"You do. I'm picking up traces of that poison mostly. It's fading fast so we'd better get moving."
"On my way. And thanks for the assistance back there. I appreciate it far more than I'm willing to express to you."
"Like I said, it's hard to find property. I was taking care of my home. When it comes crashing down so do I."

Trudging through the dunes brought some much needed clarity. As the fog of his near fatal poisoning cleared his misgivings disappeared. In order to make way for new ones. How was he ever gong to get Pip to trust him? When her world had been torn apart already by those she trusted most. He had to prove he was benevolent. When the best he'd ever managed so far was being relatively harmless. Perhaps he should have opened with Daisy sending him to find her. Would that have been sufficient though? Not everyone was as gullible as him. Pip would be clued in and switched on. The combination of Doxy and Lady Margaret as guardians would have taught her almost every trick in the book. A woman like Daisy would be known of by everyone. This might prove to be even more difficult than he'd estimated.

They'd been wandering around for almost two hours now. The last traces of the venom on that blade had long gone or they'd spread over such a large area they were of no use. The sun was going down. This was January after all despite the, to him, unseasonable heat. Having reached some high ground, Jake could see that they'd meandered over a large expanse of the grass covered dunes. It was quite possible that for the last half hour he'd been following himself. Time for him to hand back that junior tracker badge. He slumped down on the coarse, prickly grass. It was comfortably pain free thanks to his armored underwear.

"Well Hermes me old pal, what do you think?"
"I think it'll be dark in under an hour. I think I can't detect anything smaller than an elephant because of these bloody sand dunes. It's time to call it a day. Let's get you back to Crazy Daisy. You at least owe her a report on our failure."
"Yes indeed. I'm not looking forward to telling Daisy I've failed again. Maybe it was a fools errand from the start. There's no way Pip can trust me. Not after that French cock has muddied the waters. If we found her I was thinking of telling her I'd bought back that crystal she pawned to get Doxy out of the slammer. It's about the only half decent thing I've done since I got here. It would never work. She thinks Doxy retrieved it for her. That's got to be a good memory, hasn't it? Me coming along and destroying that. I don't know. I'm stupid but I don't think I've ever been cruel. Whatever's happening at the settlement isn't going to have a happy ending. One way or the other either Doxy or Lady Margaret are going down."
"You've done your best." Hermes comforted him. Exactly what Jake didn't want.
"My best? Fuck me if this is my best I shouldn't be allowed out without a carer. I'm useless. I haven't known anything about kids since I was one, and I intentionally forgot most of that. Do you have any ideas what a twelve year old girl would do in her situation?"
"I'm fourteen."
"Look at that. I had no frigging idea. I thought of her as a child and she's on her way into womanhood. That's.."
Hermes had waited for the penny to drop. It hadn't to his astonishment.
"Uh boss. I think there's someone trying to attract your attention. Young woman. Blonde. About five foot four or 1.38 meters in height. Oh and I think she's fourteen. Ring any bells?"
There was no excuse. Not one that readily came to mind and was half believable. Jake twisted his head around until he was looking over his right shoulder. Where Pip's head and shoulders were poking out of the sand.
"Where have you been Pip? I've been looking for you everywhere."
She gave him a quizzical look.
"Really? You've been walking around in ever decreasing circles for the last hour. Any longer and you'd have disappeared up your own exhaust pipe."
"It's a distinct possibility. Don't give up hope yet. So young Ms, where have you been hiding?"
She climbed up out of her hole, closing a very tidily constructed hatch that had clumps of grass all over it.
"I found some tunnels a few years back. This place is riddled with them."
Jake stood and placed his hands on his hips. That was another first. He'd never understood their significance before.
"These are sand dunes. Sand is not suitable for tunneling in. You could have got yourself killed."
"They're lined with high tensile strength thermoplastic. It's safer down there than it is up here."
Hand on hip moment destroyed by his misuse of it.
"I'll take your word for it. Daisy sent me to find you. Now what do I have to do to convince you that I can be trusted?"
She slowly walked toward him.
"You did that when you got my crystal back. I knew Doxy didn't do it. She's been acting weird for months now, the old her would have. Then again the old her wouldn't have been imprisoned over doing stupid things. Some of the time she's there, but the rest it's a different woman staring back at me. Then when Lady Margaret started acting different I got out of there."
"Yeah, she seemed different to me and I don't know her that well. We only met up a month or so ago. One day I'll tell you all about that."
"One month to you almost a year for her. Back then she was so switched on it was beautiful to behold." Pip added.
"The two time streams moving at different rates or intersecting at random points. Slowly I'm getting the hang of this. Well Daisy wants to see you first of all. After that there's a guy called Grundel Spagthorpe who'd like a word. He and Doxy were up to some shenanigans before she went loopy. You okay with that?"
"Sure."
Jake struggled with the conventions at moments like this. Never having experienced such a moment.
"Do we need to do a hug or anything?" He asked, genuinely bemused.
"No you're alright thanks. Let's get over to Daisy's." Jake set off, only going for a few steps before Pip continued. "I think you'll find it's over in this direction."
"It's compass things and bearings." Jake dissembled as he trudged back. "For a sea faring community they really are bad at giving directions."

I would like to nominate @jabroni69 and @flarben for the next round.