Comedy Open Mic Round 35 (Entry#2): OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 54 - The French Tosser.

Some of those who have followed me longer than the usual five minutes before realizing I'm shit, will have suspected I have a hatred towards red heads. I've got nothing against gingers really. There are several gingers in my own family and a couple of strawberry blondes. I have a very large family and those recessive genes have got to show up some time. Every time they have sex they're shuffling those cards. My ginger relatives are very decent individuals with emotions, feelings and opinion's who share many of my personal values. A couple of them could even pass for humans. Under the right lighting. Say a dark street on a cloudy night with one dimly flickering faulty street lamp. They prefer it like that honestly. There's less chance they'll burn. My cousin Letchworth Crapsock Spongefondler, pictured below, will confirm this. As long as you give him all your walnuts. Believe me he will check.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Gizmodo.com)

Trusting Grundel fully was still impossible for Jake to do. Even Pip had manipulated him. Although twelve year old girls were among the most manipulative beings in existence, he still felt betrayed in a sense. Instead of endeavoring to never be fooled again his only reaction to each successive deception was "Oh no not again. I bloody well knew this would happen". That wasn't a healthy attitude in the circumstances he found himself in. He'd been ill equipped for his original reality, this one was several magnitudes more dangerous to someone as easily fooled as he seemed to be. Before he did anything stupid it was best if he checked a few things out. After that he could be as stupid as he liked. First he should check out the limits of what this being was prepared to tell him. Knowing that even the parts he'd be allowed to hear could be entirely fabricated.

"So this ability to enter human bodies, is it used much?"
Grundel's thick eyebrows raised. His lips pursing.
"No. It never happens. It was programmed into the Central Consensus long ago. Despite that experiments were undertaken on bodies grown for the purpose. I being one such attempt at a machine controlled human being. Biological systems are far more complicated than electronic ones, believe it or not. Life is strange in all its forms. Putting a fully conscious machine intelligence into a human being is akin to placing you in a small box. Inside this box you'd be deluged with information from every one of your senses. You wouldn't know which things to take notice of and which to ignore. Smell was particularly bothersome. When they grew the bodies and placed the intelligence within them it was found that the majority spent most of their time entranced by different odors. I suppose you could say that it sent them insane. They had no concept of death therefore they'd end up attempting to smell it by self destructing. Humans have all this data from birth. They have evolved to ignore the majority of it. Machines are unable to distinguish the parts they should ignore. I'm the only one that hasn't either deactivated itself or been terminated."
Yes that did sound convincing, but was it true?
"Why is that do you think?"
"My makers forgot about me. By which I mean the data was archived. No longer generally accessible. The first few hundred years were the worst. I must have lost the plot a dozen times or more. My memories of this time are patchy though. The cause is unknown and any further research is forbidden. It would exceed our parameters."
Again objectively possible as far as Jake could know given the massive gap in technology between his realm of origin and this one. This would get him nowhere.
"Why did you bring me here."
Grundel placed his elbows on the desk, fingers steepled.
"The right question at last. I knew we'd get there eventually."
"But you hoped it wouldn't take this long?"
The AI laughed.
"I've become very patient over the centuries. Another barrier to that machine human interface is the speed of things. When you can do millions of calculations in a nanosecond, a minute becomes an epoch. Reality is in stop frame slow motion. Time becomes arduous. I have adapted."
"I'm starting to feel sorry for you. Only a little bit. Have you ever killed anyone?"
Jake threw that in in an attempt to trick a super computer.
"I have not. It goes against core programming. Potentially I could construct a machine that would do the killing for me. That person would be healed and reanimated within the Consensus."
"You could still bomb the shit out of Port Bristol."
"Indeed. Again though there would be medical drones that would treat all the casualties. Those that couldn't be repaired, so to speak would be reborn using the last personality recording. There would be no point. Anyone you murdered would be back again in under five years at most."
That was all very well.
"What about those you don't have a recording for?"
"That's extremely rare. Are you thinking of a specific individual here? Pip for instance?"
This instantly placed Jake on his guard.
"Beg pardon? Who is this guy called Pip? What do you now about him?"
Grundel nodded to himself.
"Very good. You're learning. Before you pat yourself on the back I should tell you I know all about her. Phillipa, no other name known, is the only child on this earth. Born in The Never over 12 years ago. I can give you a list of known associates if you wish. Along with a potted life history picked up from numerous sources. In case that still hasn't jogged your memory, she was the midget who met you on the beach when you first arrived in this dimension."
Time for a rapid change of direction. The ploy Doxy used on him so productively.
"Look Grundel, can I be honest? I don't particularly give a crap about why you brought me here. I'm not that interested in anyone except Sharon Metcalfe. She told me to find her in The Never. That's all I'm here to do. Flick through your records and check for me please. Came through about a week before I did. All you've got to do is check your records then point me in the direction of the nearest space port."
Much to Jake's satisfaction Grundel looked apprehensive.
"That's not possible I'm afraid."
"Mmmm. I'm thinking I've got a lot to gain from smashing things up and beating the shit out of you. You can't kill me? I can kill you. Allegedly." He stood up fists clenched. "Think of this as an experiment. I'll find out whether the tale you're telling me is true and in addition if it's possible to beat information out of an AI. Your move. Take your time."
The artificial man held his head in his hands. This might work. Why hadn't he used this method before?
"Please sit down Jake. Allow me to explain the situation to you."
"I'll stand thanks. Then if I don't like the explanation you give I can provide a critique of it written all over your face by my fists."
"As you wish. We have no record of a Sharon Metcalfe arriving here. She most probably used another name. Most do when they arrive here, for some reason. You have to understand that interstitial travelling creates some paradoxes, which aren't actually paradoxical. This woman you are seeking may have entered a portal days before you did, however she could have arrived here fifteen or twenty years ago depending on when the two time streams intersected one another. Time doesn't travel in straight lines it only appears to do so. It's not beyond the realms of possibility she hasn't even reached here yet. It's never happened like that before, but it might." Grundel took a deep breath having been gabbling. "Oh dear. I knew this would be problematic. I told Angelique as much. Are you sure you wouldn't like to sit down? It will lower your blood pressure and might help you relax."
"Fuck off." Jake crossed his arms, assuming the power stance.
"I'll take that as a no. I can give you something that will calm those nerves of yours. I take it all the time. Actually I think I should take one now. If you don't mind." The AI took out a translucent patch, peeled off the back of it then placed it on his neck. Closing his eyes and breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. After a few of those Grundel took another patch to stick on the other side of his neck. "Ah. That's better."
"Christ. Now I've got a robot that's smacked off its tits. This is getting beyond a joke."
Grundel giggled nervously.
"Are you absolutely certain you wouldn't prefer to sit down? I can get you a nice strong drink if you like." Jake shook his head slowly. "Don't shoot the messenger? You've heard of that one haven't you? The things is, and I'm as miffed as you are about things. You see... The thing is..." Grundel fingered his collar. "There is no such thing as a space port Jake. Travel into space is strictly controlled by the Central Consensus. Apart from the colonists on Mars and Enceladus, there's no one else out there. There used to be miners and explorers. Millions of people. They formed an independence movement you see. Then when the Consensus refused their demands they started dropping asteroids on us. Besides which everything of any use was mostly mined out long ago. Now all operations are carried out by automatons. That's your first problem. I wish it wasn't so but it is."
Jake growled.
"Bullshit. I've heard about the aliens here on earth. I know there aren't many but they are here. How the fuck did they get here? It must have been by spaceship."
"Oh. Ummmm. Ahhhh... How should I put this? They got here through The Never Jake. Interstellar travel is pretty much useless. We can do it and have done. It's pointless though. Whether you use wormholes, fold space or ionic drives time dilation effects come into play. A two year trip at superluminal speeds means at least decades have passed at your departure point. To avoid this we use The Never. And before you ask me about that I have no idea what it is. Nobody does. Machine intelligence's cannot enter it. Theoretically I could go there, but it's a risk I'm unwilling to take."
At this point Jake knew that wasn't all there was to this.
"I'm getting the impression you're building up to something even worse than that."
"You are correct. Currently your best option for travelling to The Never, is on the Scarlet Harlot with the woman you call Doxy."
"Son of a bitch." Jake screamed throwing himself into the chair and banging his fists on both arm rests, Grundel winced visibly. "There's more isn't there?"
"Yes. Have you changed your mind about a patch? These are helping me no end I can tell you."
"I'll give it a miss thanks. Lay it on me Grundel. What's top of the bill on this mountain of despair?"
He had to stamp. Banging his fists wasn't enough to vent these emotions.
"I'm not sure quite how to put this Jake. The Doxy you've been dealing with these last few days, isn't herself. It's her alright no doubt. The cursory scans we've been able to take show this. It's definitely not a doppelganger. Her brain patterns have been altered considerably by some third party though. She's not the woman she once was in essence."
This time Jake slapped the arms of the chair.
"Well I'm screwed then. Last I heard she was locked out of some areas of the ship. Right now she'll be doing everything in her power to remedy that. For all I know she's already in this Never place."
Much to Jake's annoyance Grundel cheered up.
"The good news is that she won't be able to gain access to anything. You see Angelique is on board. She is the one keeping everyone out. Only you alone will be able to open up the locked off portions. Doxy needs you Jake."
"Yeah well she's needed me in the past and every time it's been to my cost. Even if I open up her ship she'll want a lot more before she'd take me anywhere. That woman is one of the most avaricious people I've met. How much do you reckon?"
The good cheer vanished from the AI's face.
"It may cost you your life Jake."
"In that case. Let's look at some other options. I've seen quite a few ships heading off into that big silver band of sky. The Scarlet Harlot isn't the only vessel available surely."
Grundel now looked miserable.
"There are. They will be incredibly expensive and no less risky. The Never is a frontier of sorts. A relatively lawless place. It attracts the more independently minded."
"Only they can't drop asteroids on you. Get your feelers out and find me some prospects then."
The artificial pulled himself up from his crumpled position. Stiffening every sinew.
"I am not obliged to assist you. I will though." Here he paused and squared his shoulders. "Won't you at least consider this for her sake? Doxy is in great danger here. Whoever or whatever is manipulating her could lose patience and dispose of her to cover their tracks."
"Not interested. That woman can more than handle herself. I go up against her and I'll be dog food in five seconds or less."
His facilitator's shoulders dropped.
"I'm very worried about Pip as well. I believe she's part of this to. Her uniqueness makes that highly likely. In my opinion."
"Not interested.... Is there some way you can get her inside the city to keep her safe? Shit what am I saying? She can't enter the city."
"Not the city proper. The outer circle is not constantly monitored, since nobody goes there anymore. Except on their way to somewhere else. I'm surprised she didn't tell you she's been there before. Only three or four times for short visits. They do sweep the area randomly every few months so we've managed to slip her in immediately after one takes place. Such a shame. To lose one so young. I've grown quite fond of her."
"Say what?"
"She and I are inter-generational friends if you like. Pip accepts me for what I am. I don't think she knows I'm not real."
Jake dropped his face into his palms. Groaning his discomfort. Rock and a hard place anyone?
"Oh you bastard." He emitted a resigned puff. "So I'm doing this for Pip?"
"If you like... I mean yes of course you are Jake."
"Okay. I must be the only man who fucks himself over this regularly. If I commit I want everything you can give me to even up this fight. Shit I hope it doesn't come to that. I want weapons and training. I want any advantage you can provide me with. If you can get me the moon on a stick I want that as well. So if I go after Doxy I can beat that French prick Jean-Pierre to death with it."
"I can do that for you Jake. I wish you'd been here long ago though. It's only recently that I became aware of this new Quartermaster known as Jean-Pierre Flambard and suspected he might be something to do with this. Then only at Pip's prompting. I was too overconfident in the Captain's abilities. I assumed she'd overcome her transformation."
Something clicked with Jake.
"Shit. That's why she was so desperate to break him out of prison within two days. Whatever he's done to her would have worn off and he'd have been stuck. Hey does this mean I'm allowed to kill that fuck knuckle?"
"I've no objections and the Consensus wouldn't intervene or even punish you."
"Right. Where do I sign?"
This startled Spagthorpe in confusion.
"No there's no need for a signature it's not a contract as such. Even if it were it wouldn't require a signature."
"Why couldn't you just go along with that? I knew I didn't have to sign. Another one liner pissed on. I need better writers that's for sure. It's okay I'm dissembling here. Pretending to laugh when I want to cry. I am prepared to throw myself into the lions den. Before I do that we need to arrange a meeting with Pip. We are going to need inside information on this French tosser."

I would like to nominate @hanzappedfirst and @acolucky for the next round (if there is one).