CLICK : Part 8 - Footprints In The Snow.

Ms Goodbody drew me to the bench she'd been sitting on. Cleaned another space, gesturing for me to sit beside her. I did. Still focussing on the snow covered graves. The bunches of flowers felt discordant, but right. She placed her hand on mine as it lay on my lap.

"Is there anything else you'd like to share with me kid?"
I shrugged. Unable to decide one way or the other. I'd already revealed far more than I'd intended. All of it was unintended. This setting and her had caused me to speak.
"Footprints in the snow?"
"Excuse me?"
My question had baffled her. I suppose it could have been an attempt by me to blackmail her for my silence. It wasn't. She didn't know though.
"They aren't there anymore. Erased. Forgotten. Secrets."
I felt her muscles tighten. She drew in a deep breath.
"Look... I'm not going to say anything to anyone about this. But I can't promise I'll keep everything you tell me a secret. If I think you or anyone else is in danger, or at risk, I will tell. That's all I can promise."
"So you think I could be a danger?"
"To yourself? Definitely." There she paused, I knew there was more to come. She inhaled again, patting my hand. "You're smart kid. Way smarter than me. Probably the smartest person I've ever met. But I don't move in that crowd, so what do I know. I'm a high school dropout. Never graduated. If someone uses a big word I have to go look it up. I think you could be very dangerous, if you wanted to be. But I also don't think you want to be dangerous. Does that make any sense, or am I talking out of my ass again?"
I nodded, still concentrating on the flowers.
"Your logic is entirely reasonable. The conclusion accurate. I am a potential danger to myself and others." Why I added my addendum I don't know. "Not to you though. I could never hurt you intentionally. I understand your position though. If I tell you something that could lead to harm of myself or others, it's your duty to report it. I on the other hand have no such duty of care regarding you. Therefore I would never tell anyone, anything about your activities."
I thought that would be reassuring. Not so sure it was, in retrospect. Crystal pulled her hand away from me. I felt the chill where her warm palm had rested as it went to my soul.
"Do you think maybe we should get a couple of vases for the flowers?"
"No. I like the flowers the way they are. They must have been expensive."
"Well they cleaned me out, but they were worth it. We can come back here again whenever you like. Make it a regular thing if you want."
"Thank you. It won't be necessary. Besides, I'm not going to be with you that long. I'm already causing you major problems and I'm not even trying to."
"As far as problems go kid, you ain't even in my top twenty." I sensed her eyes upon me. "Your mom and dad? Do they still tell you things?"
My gaze shifted to her. How did I explain this?
"Their voices in my head weren't real. They were figments of my imagination caused by hunger, dehydration, infection and pain. I know they weren't with me, they're dead. I choose to believe them though. That's my cognitive dissonance." She looked puzzled. "That's when you hold two contradictory and mutually exclusive views to both be true."
"Thanks for the English lesson."

When I was ready, and not a moment before, she drove me back to my temporary home. By which time her lips had turned almost blue and she'd begun to shiver. I'd have offered her my coat, but it wouldn't have fit. My observations on the journeys there and back gave me the impression she lived on the good side of the bad side of town. There was a steep embankment dividing her neighborhood from those you'd consider middle class. There was a cluster of McMansions up that hill. Her street was well worn, but clean and well maintained. Off in the other direction were the less savory parts. The squalor getting worse the nearer you got to a local petrochemical plant. The major employer in the area.

As soon as we arrived back I went to my room. Pulled out my bag and opened my secret stash. My parents had both had wills. The fine details of which were unknown to me. I wasn't to be made aware of the full content until my 21st birthday. Until then a trust deposited $50 a week into an account I could access with my ATM card. I'd already had substantial savings for a 12 year old. My parents weren't rich. They were quite well off though. I had no idea how much flowers cost. The money was of no importance to me. I pulled out a few bills, returning the wallet to its hiding place. I didn't bother to count it. Instead I rashly took the money right back to Crystal. Placing it in front of her as she sipped from a hot cup of coffee.

"This is for the bouquets."
I saw the anger flash in her eyes before her walls came back up. She spread the bills out before her.
"There's $240 here." She stated flatly. The money wasn't quite thrown back, but she shoved it towards me with some force. Two of the notes fluttered to the floor. I didn't know what to do. Even bending down to retrieve them was too much of a risk.
"Is it too much? Not enough? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll go to the bedroom."
I backed away before turning to escape her wrath. I was done for now. I could tell that. After my pathetic attempt to pretend to be noble by explaining I'd never hurt her, I'd done just that. Whether intentional or not, I'd caused her to become infuriated with me. I sat at the desk in that spare room, staring at nothing. My brain unable to function properly. I'd be in and out of there inside two days. That was a record even for me. And because Crystal have to rid herself of my odious presence, she'd lose whatever chance she had of being allowed to foster. It was all my fault. Why couldn't I do human anymore?

I heard her making a phone call. This was it then. Would she take gas money? Should I start packing? A hundred questions swirled around inside my head. What was it about me that killed or angered anyone who had anything to do with me? I couldn't hear what she said. The call was very brief. As soon as it finished she came for me. So I thought. I prepared myself for a tongue lashing at the very minimum. Shuddered at my own incompetence where people were concerned. With all my strength I held myself still. I would accept this as I'd accepted every other punishment life had dished out on me. Ms Goodbody slid the money onto the desk.

"I can't accept this kid. It's not the way things are supposed to work. I already get paid for taking care of you. You giving me money would be wrong in more ways than I can count. Besides what's left of my pride wouldn't let me take it."
I gabbled the words quickly. Hoping to get them out before she closed me down.
"I should at least pay for the flowers." Then more slowly. "I'm sorry I make you angry. I don't know how not to."
My voice cracked. That was very nearly an emotion.
"I'm not really angry at you... Maybe a little bit. Not only are you smarter than anyone I now, you're richer than them as well." Her voice soft and compassionate.
"If I'm so smart why can't I at least impersonate a human for five minutes."
"Why do you keep saying that? You are human. As human as anyone else."
There was more passion in my retort than I'd imagined I could produce.
"No I'm not. I'm broken. You've said so yourself. I don't act like a child. I don't act like an adult. I'm an animal. A monster. Nobody could ever care about me." I started to rock. "I have to wait. I have to be patient. There's something I have to do, then I can die at last." The completely unexpected happened, I sobbed.
No tears, I didn't deserve tears. This was all my doing. My very presence only brought anguish. The next part was a blur. The speed of it combined with the novelty robbed me of the ability to process it. She'd grabbed me, her arms around my body. One hand on the back of my head. Crystal was hugging me. My face pressed into her shoulder. I could smell her shampoo and soap. I could smell her, which was even better. I couldn't feel my legs. I'd been lifted up to heaven. This was paradise. The warmth from her unfroze my malignant soul. Allowed it to soar. I placed my arms around her neck and clung on.
"It's okay." She purred. "It's okay. You're not going anywhere for now. You're staying here with me. I was swung back and forth as she comforted me. "As favor to you I'll take 40 for the flowers. You can owe me the rest." Leaning back she looked at me. Eyes glinting with unshed tears.
"Does that mean you're not sending me back? I thought that's why you called them."
Her lips quivered into a smile.
"Trust me I haven't called them. I called a friend. I'd like to speak to her about you. She's someone who helped me a lot before. I think she can help me help you. You do trust me don't you kid?"
"Yes. Except in the bathroom."
She chuckled.
"Her name's Stella. I asked her to call me back. When she does I want you to be there with me, on the call. That way you'll know I'm not saying anything you don't want me to."
"Okay. I trust you Ms Goodbody."