Crypto-conspiracy - Comedy Open Mic Round 10

Everyone remembers where they were during the Big Dump of 2020. And everyone remembers what was said on the news (once the power came back on): Over-capitalisation, excessive leveraging, markets “out of touch with the fundamentals”. That’s what the mainstream fake media and textbooks still tell you today.

If you are reading this now, it means you are willing to take a risk to go beyond the official fiction. I mean, everyone knows that the world used to be controlled by a shadowy group of deep-state occultists, but seriously, you don't know the half of it. I was there at the start, when an operation that was intended to hoover up the loose change of a few thousand crypto-nerds went rogue, and almost undid everything that St Adam of the Invisible Hand had given us. My name is Grue-anon (in honour of my favourite philosophical puzzle and the greatest LARPer of all time), and this is what really happened…

Warning: GREAT GAME: RED clearance required to access this file. If you do not have RED access, present yourself to the nearest agency disciplinary officer. If you do not have GREAT GAME clearance, present yourself to the nearest euthanasia/recycling centre, and pray that the Old Gods have mercy on your soul.

Transcript 873 - December 12, 2013

Agents present: Codename: Perfecto; Codename: The Man; Codename: Iceberg; Codename: Kant

Iceberg:….and that’s how it’ll work. You two set the honey pot out for the spammers, scammers, grifters and eventually the returns and lack of centralized regulation will bring them in. By the time they actually understand what was in the whitepaper, it will be too late. REDACTED, you'll operate from deep cover until told otherwise. Full plausible deniability and deep background rewrites have been put in place. Welcome to your new identities: REDACTED, REDACTED, and REDACTED.

Kant: The fuck? I don’t know anything about philosophy. And I didn’t spend all that moolah sacrificing goats at the temple of Psyops to be posted to some shithole post-industrial town in Australia. They don’t even have proper internet there - I can’t be expected teleconference with our dark lord using the NBN!

(transcript unclear - possible muffled laughter interspersed with chanting backwards in Latin.)

Transcript 1119 - March 8, 2017

Agents present: Codename: Perfecto; Codename: The Man

The Man: I don’t know, Perfecto, once we roll out this fork, things are going to get crazy - all the projections are pointing to this being pretty big…

Perfecto: About that, I’ve been thinking, when we hammer these capitalist rubes, the whole cycle of alienating workers from the means of production is just going to continue. Maybe we can really make a difference this time.

The Man: Goddammit, it was bad enough when Kant went socialist - why’d you let him turn you too? The Rothschilds have been good to us since we were adopted, and now it’s all ‘blah blah - proletariat, blah blah comrade’. When’s the last time you harvested a soul for the Deep Ones, you fucking commie?

Perfecto: Ah bite me, you’re just bitter because I got the good hair and Iceberg gets to play god with the data of billions. Listen, here’s how we’ll do it: Once the returns hit the right level, the inflow of capital should be almost exponential - see, look at the chart here: REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED.

The Man: That’s it, you’re a fucking nutcase - I’m out.

Perfecto: C’mon, think of the opportunities. It’s not like any of us, even the Vrill, are really that attached to a truly free market.

The Man: Alright. But I want my own cryptocurrency. And a shrubbery.

Perfecto: Fine, whatever. Let’s get Kant on the line and he can explain how we are going to deal with the scalability when we have over a billion souls..

The Man: Dude! You mean accounts, their souls are for you-know-who....

Transcript 5150 - August 6, 2019

Agents present: Codename: Perfecto; Codename Shark.

Shark: So following this proven business model, we should get full buy-in from all major media organisations - the faster our token rises, the more FOMO they experience. As we approach user parity with Iceberg’s operation, I expect the big players to be approaching us with multi-billion dollar offers for prime position in the attention economy.

Perfecto: Thanks Shark, you can go.

(Codename: Kant enters)

Kant: Do you think he suspects?

Perfecto: No, but he’s made our job much easier. Between that and the SMTs, we’ll have cornered a critical mass of global capital. We approach the endgame. Mahaha...Mwahahah, MWHAHHAHAHAHA!

Kant: Okay, that was weird. Look, I don’t know that using that money to buy army of Stalin clones from Putin is really what Marx would have wanted. I think the bourgeoisie should…

Perfecto: Fuck the bourgeoisie. Fuck the proletariat. Fuck the Illuminati too.

Kant: Lalalalala - I didn’t just hear you say that! I hope you’ve got some tin foil under that hair, because when Hillary Clinton hears about this she is going to shit a brick. She’ll never approve your soul-transfer to a new body - you want to die, like a poor person?

Perfecto: Doesn’t matter. You still don’t get it: I’ll be the next Master of Karma. When I said everyone is buying in, I mean, literally everyone - even within the Cabal. Governors of central banks, the IMF. I’m meeting with the ghost of Soros this afternoon to discuss him upping his stake.

Kant: I know the people we work for aren’t good. But this is wrong. Even dog-eat-dog capitalism is better for people that what you’re aiming to do. You know I have to try to stop you.

Perfecto: It’s too late. Check out the summary of hardfork 21.

Kant: “Steem-based involuntary income redistribution…” You’re insane, the witnesses will never go for this!

Perfecto: It doesn’t matter. We close these deals, dump every token we control at the peak, then release the details of the fork. If me selling out doesn’t cause a crash, then that document will. I walk away with trillions of dollars and everyone else from the Koch brothers to that smug cow Merkel is left holding the bag. If you sell your secret stake at the right time you could buy that island you like, what was it called?

Kant: Tasmania. I can’t be party to this. Guess I’ll have to be satisfied with my rural stronghold and squad of killer robots.

I guess so. About that, you might want to beef up our security - people are going to get awfully mad when they figure out their money isn’t worth anything.

-transcript ends.

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I think that tells you everything you need to know. I got through The Dip OK, and if you’re reading this you must have too. I renounced Marxism, and was one of the people who helped Agent Shark rebuild the market economy.

Perfecto slipped away in those chaotic first days of the crash, and I haven’t heard from him since - though there are rumours of a charismatic leader with fantastic hair raising an army of mustachioed psychopaths deep in the Caucasus Mountains. I guess he did us a favour: Our reptilian overlords went broke like the rest of us, and now those scaly arseholes have to work like everyone else.

As far as I know, The Man never did get his shrubbery. But he is working on his self-aggrandisement, and hopes one day to be canonised as a moral saint - though I don't think he can beat Trafalgar the Selfless in the current round.

Now that global capital is more restrained, all I have to look forward to is trying to give people a laugh, to help them forget the golden age of consumerism. I can’t do it alone though, so I’m nominating @choogirl and @krnel to chip in and give people a giggle.

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