Tales From The Crypt XIV: The Rich Prick

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[I don't use names in these stories out of respect... So this guy I'll just call Bob Dickhead]

I don't like rich people... Not because they're rich, I could care less how much money someone has, but because of how they usually behave... Like the world owes them something because they have money.

One day I get a call from Butch Edwards, co-owner of Edwards Funeral Home. When it's Butch or Jim that call, you can pretty much count on it being somebody important that died. Bob Dickface's son had died in a car wreck and, as it turns out, the family plot was full. The Dickface family is one of the scions of Ft. Smith society- although they're rarely in town. They have streets and parks named after them.

Butch tells me that Bob himself wants to meet with me to get a new family plot as close to the others as possible. So I find him a block of 12- that's what he asked for. Bob comes to the cemetery, inspects the plot, finds it satisfactory, signs the contract and leaves... without giving me a nickel. I call Butch who tells me not to worry- they have plenty of money and are good for it.

We bury Dickface Jr. and a week later, I still haven't seen a penny of my money. So, I call Butch again and he gives me the old "don't worry," speech... This is Bob Dickface after all, one of the oldest families in town. I tell Butch that I'm from Boston and we never heard of Bob Dickface and as far as I'm concerned, he's just another fucking deadbeat that doesn't pay his bills- I don't care how many streets are named after them, if I don't get my money, he can come pick Dickface Jr. up... I don't owe them shit!

Butch laughs and tells me they're already gone... on their private jet back to the French Riviera (they must have been really broken up about little Dickface). But, Butch tells me that he'd foot the bill and collect later- How much? I tally up 12 spaces and fir the Saturday Opening and Closing and give him the total. "Holy fucking shit," he says, "What the fuck did they buy?" So Butch says, "come get your check." I hope he got his money- he's a really good guy (for a rich prick).

I still don't like rich people.

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