See You Soon
Hello,
How are you all? I haven't checked in for the last 3 weeks or so, I think it started right after the SOFT Event. I don't know what exactly happened, but I lost every ounce of motivation to write content here. Well, not just here, but in real life as well.
The thoughts were of running away from reality, so going back to the countryside gave me the assurance that it'll all come back again, but the truth is... it didn't help. The joy and peacefulness it gave was therapeutic, and I swear to heavens I'd work in a farm—which is very new to me—if it means living in that side of the world again. All's good, until I came home wanting to run away again. The motivation I so needed was nowhere to be found despite the serenity the countryside gave me.
Realizing it came as a not-so-surprising bomb when my hand throbbed yesterday. You see, back in January, I got in jail over visa problem. I stayed inside for 77 days, and got deported on 26th of March. Days in jail spent writing on walls about what I felt. Mostly were song lyrics and titles that speak to me a lot. Sometimes I respond to peoples' writings, wishing them well now that they're out, (hopefully) living their best lives. And because of that repetitive movement, I strained my right hand. Sometimes I cannot open a bottle of Cola, sometimes it hurts just because.
I cried after so long.
Everything just hit me like a boomerang. I realized I am going down to that crippling, destructive path of depression, and I can only surrender to the truth that I am not well, that I need to rest more than striving to deliver perfection that is unattainable and very impossible at the moment.
I cried after 5 fucking months of just taking all in like a chill-pill. I believe I swallowed it hard, denying my self the time to heal and reflect on everything that's happened.
So kindly allow me today to say good-bye and see you again soon. I will take my time in healing and just reflecting about it all, figuring out what's gonna work until I am fully capable as a human. I honestly don't know where to start. I guess I'll start by resting? What do you guys think?
One thing's for sure though. I will make art in solitude without recording every step of the way like I used to do for the sake of blogging, because most of the time, it kills the momentum.
I will drop by from time to time to resteem posts from @sndbox which I am currently part of. I would also like to thank @hansikhouse and @voronoi for understanding my situation, and for being the most supportive leaders of the incubator.
All the very best to everyone, and hope to see all of you again real soon.
Kind regards,
Allyssa
Here's a little Van Gogh painting I did days ago in the front cover of my new sketchbook I absolutely adore!
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That's a lovely Van Gogh drawing, @olaivart <3 Love the brush strokes and colours <3
As for not being well and feeling the blues of depression, all my best wishes for you. Take as much time as you need. Your posts and arts will be missed but your well being is very important and I am glad to know that you will try to look after yourself.
See you when you feel better <3
I didn´t know you spent time in jail over a visa problem, that must have been very difficult for you to endure and yet, you managed very wisely and used your thoughts and your writing to pass the days... 77 days in jail, no matter in what country, can definitely change a person and the way they see things.
The way you feel now, I can relate to it but I can´t even try to understand what you are going through. I guess when we are feeling this way and even after a therapeutic stage like yours - spending time surrounded by nature helps a lot, but it´s not enough sometimes - we still don´t feel like coming back full force to "the world", the way you want to face it is wise... going back to your roots and dedicating your time and life to painting and do what you must.
I would like to encourage you to not stop blogging, sometimes just writing your thoughts and trying to share a little of your insights can get you a long way, but by no means feel like you "have" to keep posting just for the sake of it. I guess I´m just hoping we get to see/read/appreciate your art as frequent as we used to a few months ago... maybe this is just a selfish though as I really like some of your posts but hey, we all must do what the heart want and if this is what it is telling you right now then go for it! We will be waiting for you here when you come back.
I guess what I mean is, I wish you the best of lucks and the best of vibes in your self-re-discovery journey, I hope you find your inner balance again. You´ll have a community waiting for you if/when you decide to come back. And hey, if you feel the urge of sharing, sometimes just letting it all go into a post/piece of paper can make wonders for you.
Wow, my goodness you have had a time of it. I'm sorry and I hope that you can find the joy and light to move to so you don't feel the need to be pulled into the dark of depression.
You painting is a good way to do that. \Do more art and sketching that always lifts the spirit. If your life is in a bad place, then sit down dream up a good place and draw it out, it'll lift your mood I hope! Don't you love @sndbox team? So good and understanding.
Oh my. I'm sorry to hear that. Yes we all need a break from things we do a lot of from time to time. Hope everything goes well with you soon.
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Hey @olaivart. You are a wonderful person, never forget that! Even when the the volume gets switched up and the heavy weight descends, if you can hold on to that reality, it keeps a crack in the curtains open, always letting a beam of light through with the passing of each dawn. A window of opportunity when you're ready. I have experienced similar to what you're going through, every decade of my life has had the 'curtains half closed' periods to battle through, no one knows how it feels to another, but I do know how clinical depression feels to me and I sympathize and offer my love and support for your journey.
As others have said your art and paintings are amazing... but I know you need to find a place of healing and respite. I can tell from your words. I just had a 4 day period travelling with a relative who always seems to set me off into deep depression and instability. I felt it descending on me yesterday and I've been battling the feeling the last 2 days. Sometimes steemit doesn't help as a lot of people offering opinions, giving praise, pulling you to do a thousand community tasks when your literally unable to think through the noise in your head, the expectation to produce. I find all of these things and more can be a blessing if I'm in a good place and an immense pressure and detriment when I'm not. Then you can end up with a lot of people who haven't experienced severe depression trying to tell you how to solve it, or giving you a pep talk cause they simply don't understand how destructive a thing that can be to someone who feels trapped in cyclic thoughts.
Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Big love and hugs from the UK Allyssa
Safe travels and I wish you all the best :) Depressions a bitch and I know how it feels to need to run away. I’m currently saving up to take off on the road on my own adventure to get away and deal with my issues. Stay strong <3
Take your time. I too dont post regularly. Then I tried. Posted 3or 4 or 5 posts just as the HF20 hit and messed everything up. Not hard to discourage me...and it did. Anyway. I feel ya!
Hope things are improving. Take care.
Peace