"Our relationship has fast deteriorated since our first son was born. What can I do about it?"

Hi Nomad,

I need help.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and have a two-year-old son. In the beginning and until our child was born everything was fine. We were very much in love and expressed it many times a day including through intimate lovemaking.

But when our son arrived things were disrupted. We fight a lot, his family continuously interferes with our life, he himself has changed a lot, complaining all the time about the way I run the house, what I do all day long and in general he is not supportive at all. When we begin a fight, for instance, he instantly gets upset, shouts and sometimes even curses.

I work eight hours a day and so does he. He also studies each evening and comes home every night quite late. As a result of all the arguments and quarrels, my passion for sex has greatly diminished and he complains about that too. I have tried to speak with him several times but in vain. We are not rich and he spends all the money on himself. He neither cares for me nor spoils me like he used to.

I am hopeless and really don’t know what to do.

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Hi,

The immediate remedy for You is to take several deep breaths that will ease your thoughts and relax your tense body.

Now that you have done that, let’s examine the situation and I believe you will see the gift that it brings you.

Your spouse, the same man you had fallen in love with and married, is simply a mirror for you, reflecting the psychological patterns you carry inside, that is your beliefs about yourself and life in general, your desires and wants in life as well as your thoughts.

It is your mission to dig within your conscious thoughts to check what are the perceptions and beliefs that you have regarding your life, your humanness and your place in this world in particular. I stress – Your own perceptions. Not his or others’.

Could it be that your husband’s complaints are merely a precise and pricking reflection of the inner call from your authentic self to pay more attention to it, your soul? Have you neglected yourself since your child was born? That neglect of nourishment for your soul could be both physical and spiritual. For instance – before your son was born you used to go out to have fun, to enrich yourself and your relationship, to travel, to meet friends etc – all were experiences that contributed to your growth as an individual - but lo and behold, after your son was born you both ceased to nourish the inside. Such a situation is not acceptable to your souls.

I know that your new son needs care and demands your full attention. And I know that you are both very busy and probably weary. You are not however required to revive your old ways of life. It is nevertheless a question of having quality time with yourself and your spouse. This can be done during the weekends and also for several minutes each day. Do it for yourself first and then everything will find its proper balance including your love life with your husband.

One more thing – it would be appropriate to share with your spouse this inner checking that you do. The sharing itself will strengthen the intimacy between the two of you, will expand comfort and diminish frustration.

One important thing to remember is to never judge or blame him. Speak rather in terms of accepting responsibility for your life. Hold back from hinting that something is wrong with him or with you because no one is to blame. This situation was created by you to expand and to deepen your relationship for the challenges to come in your future.

Any relationship is a dance for two. Indeed, it may be that your spouse is insensitive, unsupportive and selfish. But then what? It would be very easy to blame the partner for the “bad” things in your life, but such accusations give HIM the power to rule over and control YOUR life and take away YOUR power as a creator. Such a condition is absolutely not acceptable to your soul who wants to remain independent and sovereign and therefore has brought this situation to you.

The bottom line is – go back to the root causes and examine how you have been disregarding your personal needs.

What will happen then?

As you focus inwardly, not blaming him, not blaming yourself either, you release old baggage of archaic beliefs and agendas. Instead, you will allow life to bring you the appropriate things and when they arrive you will learn to dance with them.

• How long? Well, in practical matters it may take a few months before you begin to see a slight change in his behavior towards you.
• Him too? - No. Don't even show him this answer if you think he is not ready. The responsibility for the success of a relationship lies in the hands of the one who is more aware. You do your process and the situation will change.
• Will the passion return? - for you? surely. You will feel again an urge and an attraction. If your husband will allow himself to walk a similar process (in his own way), the passion will be experienced in your relationship.

Good luck!