"Am I the opposite of my spouse's fantasy?"

Hi Nomad,

I am 31 years old. A month ago I began dating a 37-year-old divorced man who only last night told me something strange: “After breaking up from my ex I realized I had married a fantasy”. He was then 27 years old and she was only 18, so he felt he could control her and educate her like a child. She was mesmerized by him. He also told me that she was (and still is) a very good looking young woman.

At that moment I asked myself – “Then what am I? The opposite of a fantasy? What is going on here?” Indeed, I am not 19 years old, I am independent with my own opinions. Manipulation and games are not for me, I am not “hot” or gorgeous, not a supermodel like Claudia Schiffer, I do not turn men’s heads in the street. Just a simple woman.

When he told me she looked gorgeous he added that it is important for him to have a beautiful woman by his side who really knows how to take care of herself. All his words made me feel that I am the living proof that there are no fantasies, and dreams do not come true… since he said it I have not been feeling well. I am sad and repulsed by him, and by myself. It’s a shame because after all, he is very charming.

I would love to hear your opinion… thank you

Dana

Credit: Betsy Walton

Dana,

Let’s look at the situation from a broader perspective, one that doesn’t relate to your feelings of hurt.

To me, it seems that you might be missing the point. His confession to you proves he has matured and now he understands what really matters in a relationship. In the past, he chose his spouses just or mostly by their appearance and by positive feedback from his close surroundings. His failed marriage made him realize that a true relationship is based on intimacy, sharing, connection, a common future and suchlike and not on outer physical appearance alone.

This does not mean that you do not have good looks. It means that his focus has changed – from the outside to the inside; from satisfying his ego to true insight and knowledge of the essence of the spouse relationship.

In your place, I would consider his words a compliment. Understand that there are no errors in personal growth. The psyche calls for experiences to enrich itself and to grow. Such perception of the past allows one to deal better with past “failures” and prevents self-flagellation.

It seems that you have different thoughts about the nature of a desirable relationship. You still see it as a fairy tale while he wants to settle down and is therefore willing to compromise. You must clear this issue between you two.

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Now, let’s get down to basics

Your spouse is just a mirror for you. So the important question is what do you think about yourself?

You said you are not Claudia Schiffer – but 99.9% of women do not look like her. Perhaps then this is a golden opportunity for you to revise some of your beliefs about men, women, and relationships:

• Men search only for beauty and sexiness – true or false?
• If I am not good looking and sexy I have no chance to find a spouse – true or false?
• A good relationship is based mostly upon personal appearance and/or sexual attraction - true or false?
• I do not think I am pretty – true or false?
• I believe I am the most loveable person in the world - true or false?

Therefore, if you so choose, this incident will be an opportunity for you to examine your perceptions, desires, wishes, and beliefs about yourself and the relationship you expect, and then to change those things that you find are not helping.

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The wound of Isis

As a side note, I do want to point out that for many women the repeating issue in relationships and life, in general, is self-love.

Why is it so difficult for you to love yourself? Why so many women, no matter how good looking they are, battle with belittling thoughts when looking in the mirror? The answer is the old, ancient, Wound of Isis. I am not going to delve into that here and now. Although rather new, this subject can be found on google and then studied. Suffice to say that at some point in the history of humankind, the feminine energy felt that it failed to fulfill its duty. It handed the tool of creation to the masculine energy which, in turn, became dominant. Nowadays, the roles are beginning to shift back to their origins. Women are learning about their inner strength and men reconnect with their original role, to support women on their creation. Therefore, women are learning again that they are worthy and loveable and men train themselves to release power and give support.

Bear in mind, as well, that within each of us there are both energies.

Good luck!