Ear Wax!

Today I had a mountain of it violently removed. They say that the best therapy is sharing. I will attempt to do so below. Warning, it is not for those with a gentle constitution.

I burst into the clinic, my cape billowing out with a flourish.

I am here for my 12 o'clock!

I boomed rather majestically.

Perhaps it was the sun outside but the goodly woman sitting behind one of those infernal electronic counting machines gave a disparaging sniff as she observed me removing my top hat and cape.

Please take a seat meesterboom.

She motioned to some grubby plastic chairs. Not particularly to my liking but my feet did feel a little hot and bothered in my stiff riding boots.

In no time at all another lady entered and bid me to follow her into her lair.

It was a darkened chamber, bare except for a chair in front of a large screen to the side of which lurked a set of bellows around which coiled a long tube. I sat as directed.

Have you had any problems with ear wax before?

HA! I thought it best not to mention my previous troubles with this foulsome beast. Nor to tell her of the mountainous brown candle I had been contructing in my boudoir of previously extracted material.

I smiled instead, as the spider smiles to the fox.

Somewhat yes, since I was a child in Switzerland.

She looked at me askance.

Well, let me re-assure you. This is an entirely painless procedure involving suction. You may hear a few squeaks and pops.

Squeaks and pops? I didnt' realise this was an audition for the rats choir.

Carry on.

I gave a bored wave.

She set to work. Some type of diabolical viewing device was inserted into my ear. The large screen in front of me lit up.

A forbidding berg of brown wax obscured the view.

She tittered her surprise that I could hear anything at all. Hmmph.

She set to work. Inserting something into my beautiful ear she switched on the machine.

Squeaks and pops?!?

A hurricane whistled in my head as she attempted to suck forth a fistule of brown wax from my delicately small ear canal.

I can only liken it to hauling a buffalo to an abattoir.

Sccchnick

She lurched back as something popped free. It was shookled into a small plastic cup of water before she dived in again and again until merrily declaring.

One done, lets do the next shall we?

I tried to hide my quivering bottom lip and bravely turned so she could assault the other ear.

Time passed as she hauled and yanked and tugged and pulled at the brown felon lurking in my ear canal. After what seemed like aeons she inserted the magic eye back into each ear and proudly declared she was done.

I quivered and looked at the cup of water in which resided the wax that had taken such herculanean strength to remove.

Several pinkie tip sized blobs floated about merrily.

Is that it?

I ventured.

She reassured me that yes, I was as clean as a whistle.

I stood up, a little unsteadily and left.

I looked forward to telling the good wife that comparative to the ordeal I had just undergone she had relatively nothing to fear when birthing our son.