Greetings loyal followers.

Every time I think I am starting to respect your planet, someone goes and does something to remind me just how primitive you are. @donkeypong is incredibly excited about a freaking roadmap! A roadmap!? Why do you even still have roads? We have had these for years...

I wish we had a roadmap... said no one in my galaxy ever.

Do you see any "roads" there? Of course not! You can't have roads in the sky. I hear you goofs are just getting around to robot driven cars. Did any of you even ask for robot driven cars? I bet not. But I bet a ton of you want flying cars. Did your inventors make those? Nope they are busy making self crashing cars. Good luck with that given your lack of technological knowhow.

Wait before I go any further, what the heck is a "donkeypong" anyway? I looked through our data cards and there is no such species in our library.

I found this...

But that just looks like that maniacal creature is about to bring that paddle down and smash that white object into its own genitalia. So I'm guessing that is not it.

I checked a few more data cards and found this transmission from your system...

It claims that Donkey Pong is "The best free farting game on iOS". I don't know what this "iOS: is, but it sounds horrible. By saying Donkey Pong is the "best" it is implying that there are more farting games. And by using the word "free" it implies that there are some farting games you pay for. What is wrong with you people? It is getting more and more difficult to find reasons not to destroy your stupid planet. By the way, do you know what happens if I fart in my armor? I die. Not so funny now is it?

Hold on. My assistant Vera, who is an absolute work of art, just brought me another data card. This one claims that "Donkey pong" is some kind of game played with beer, water, cups and a ping pong ball. Apparently you bounce the ball and if it lands in a cup of beer you drink the beer. If it lands in water you must inhale some steem from a long glass tube, a modified Pringles can or plastic honey bear container. What a stupid game.

This one is much more enjoyable.

Miraculously I have never lost. I am a perfect 1138 and 0. In fact the ball has never even touched the ground once. I wonder why... Oh yeah the FORCE! That's why suckers!

Whatever. All I know is that whatever a "Donkeypong" is, it is super excited.

So back to this super exciting "roadmap" your backwards race just discovered. By the way, if this is your first roadmap, how have you avoided getting lost for the last 1 million years? Or at least the last 4000? Have you been tying a rope to your outhouse (I'm now assuming you still use those) before you leave so that you can follow it back? Have you been leaving a trail of breadcrumbs? That might get you home, but how do you find your way to new locations. Please don't tell me you are still following the stars like some kind of parrot loving pirate. Pathetic.

Why have I spared you this long? I was apparently holding out hope that you would be of some use. But alas, I already have all the paper weights I need... which is 0 because we use freaking data cards!

Let's take a look at why @donkeypong is so giddy about this "roadmap".

1. The Communities

How cute! You can all get together and hold hands and sing some gibberish like that community of delicious Ewoks!

Your cute communities can sing along!

Wait. What is this?

"Can one person start and run a Community? Sure..." More importantly can one Sith run a community? Yes I can! Oh thank the Maker! Finally I will be able to start a community of loyal followers that I alone will command. I will be able to send transmissions just for them. They will be able to communicate your planet's weak spots to me. Actually that's ridiculous. Your planet is one giant weak spot. But you get the idea. Ok that part isn't so ridiculous. But I'm sure the rest is.

2. The Tutorial Walkthroughs for New Users

Well you are very primitive. I'm sure your apprentices could use a master to show them how to navigate this communication system. I would hate for any new Dark Side followers to be unable to find my transmissions. Many of my followers are not very experienced with technology. They have spent their time on more important pursuits like looking for this shriveled up piece of green excrement...

I think the little troll may be playing that Donkey Pong game.

So that one is not too dumb either. Surely the rest are for doofuses. Or is the plural "dufi"?

"Vera? What is the plural of "doofus"?"

She said it's "Stormtroopers".

Vera is hilarious!

3. Gamification: Insignias, Achievement Goals, and Fun Stuff

Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

Unless they look like this...

If they look like this we need lots of badges. You should all get one.
With the proceeds I can buy that exhaust port cover I've had my eye on.

So the badges are acceptable... as long as they honor me in some way as they should.

4. The Blockchain Fabric

Huh?

"As I understand it, using the multiple parallel chains will allow much greater scalability as we prepare for more widespread uses of STEEM in the future."

This donkeypong is clearly just making up words now. Perhaps my translator is broken... again.

"Dennis! Get in here!" (Dennis is our IT guy)

Duh. It means developers are going to be able to easily find new ways to use Steem.

Dennis only continues to draw breath because he is Vera's brother in law. I do like what he said though.

5. Using the Steemit Account to Fuel Development and Growth

Finally. Something ludicrous. It seems like they are going to use their war chest to improve and promote the platform. They seem very worried about their users' experience.

These goofballs should be using their funds to buy one of these...

Users experience? Are you alive? That's a really great user experience isn't it?

Now that I see how the roadmap will directly benefit me, I understand why @donkeypong is so excited. He is excited because this new roadmap will mean great things for the Empire. I now see you are a loyal follower @donkeypong. You will be rewarded for your service to the Empire.

Thank you @donkeypong for helping me to understand how the roadmap will benefit the Empire. You are a credit to your people (primitive as they are).

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