One of my enemies is trying to use fake news to turn my loyal followers against me.

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who always has the high ground no matter where she stands, has informed me that the whiny little farm boy @luke-skywalker has sent another transmission.

Like all of his others, this one is fake news. His transmission is filed with lies and fabrications. Look at his source Don Julio. He won’t even show his face. Do you know why? He’s a liar. He is clearly a phony source who is so wrong and dirty. This kind of fake news is the enemy of the Empire. Fake news and anyone who delivers any information that makes me look like anything less than the most awesome being in the universe must be crushed!

So let’s take a look at this particular piece of fake news.

First of all, let’s start with how you got that blue lightsaber in the first place.

Did you buy it?

Did you win it?

Did you build it?

Did you earn it?

You received it from that piece of desert trash. You happily took it from that crazy old wizard who used to be my best friend and teacher.

That Dumbledore wannabe whipped it out and said, “Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough.” Then he gave it to you.

Was it his to give? No! He freaking stole my prize possession after he cut off my legs and left me to burn to death in a volcano. Great guy huh?

Oh then to top it all off, he took my wife and stole my children. Then my wife mysteriously disappeared. Hmmm I wonder what he did to her?

Your beloved hero is a pathological liar. Not only did he lie about the lightsaber, he also said that Darth Vader killed your father. Hello! He knew damn well that was a lie. He was the one who freaking cut off my legs when all I was doing was showing him my latest and coolest gymnastic move.

He was so jealous. He knew I was awesome and would nail my triple jump twist. He said “Don’t try it.” That envious jerk store couldn’t stand seeing my awesomeness. So just as I was about to stick the landing, the mother lover (yours by the way) cut off my freaking legs.

Then as I slid toward the lava, do you know what that hero did? He yelled at me about some nonsense as he picked up the lightsaber I had worked so hard to build. Then he hid it away for about 20 years until he could fabricate a story and give it to you.

Speaking of giving it to you.

You are an absolute moron by the way.

When you received that stolen property what did you do? You took one of the most powerful weapons ever created and…

Pointed it right at your freaking face.

And Gandalf the crap-brown didn’t even stop you. I think he was secretly hoping it would ignite and pierce you stupid skull. I bet he would have blamed that on me too. More fake news!

So who is the real victim here? You were waving around my prized possession that was stolen from me on the same day I lost my wife and children. So I tried to get it back and you lost a hand in the process. Big deal! Boo freaking hoo. A couple of hours of wearing a diaper in a bacta tank and a visit from one of those creepy medical droids and you are as good as new. It’s far easier to replace a stupid hand than the lightsaber I built from scratch.

Imagine if someone had stolen your precious power converters or your stupid T-16 Skyhopper toy. What would you have done (I mean after you got done whining about it like a little wuss)? By the way, how old are you? Why the heck are you still playing with toys you loser?

Everything after that point about the pink or green crystal is just a diabolical attempt to distract people from the real issue: You happily accepted stolen property and you were punished for it.

Deal with it loser.

Anything else that could possibly make it look like I was wrong in any way is fake news and only a moron would listen to it.

I think you owe me an apology for spreading such bogus fallacies in order further your agenda of hate against me and the Empire.

Lies!
I respectfullydisagee
A- hole!
Stick the landing!
Gee what does this button do?
Ow!
What a catch!