Congratulations Your Primitive Planet Finally Has Fake News! We Had it a Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away...

My assistant Vera, whose awesomeness is as real as it comes, has informed me that your planet is experiencing some problems related to "fake news". Welcome to the party... several millennia late!

This looks pretty fake... too bad I don't read Spanish.

My galaxy perfected the art of fake news a long time ago. Sometimes it worked in my favor. For example, you know that "mining accident" that occurred on Jedha? It was the freaking Death Star you idiots!!!! How in the world could kyber crystals explode and destroy an entire city? They can't dim wits! They are the heart of a laser sword! If they blew up, no Jedi or Sith would have any hands... wait. That is a bad example. But you get it. They do not explode.

It was a mining accident alright... all of those dead bodies are accidentally mine now!

Unfortunately, some despicable inhabitants of my galaxy also use fake news against me. I know I shouldn't be angry because this just means I have an excuse to force choke some drill rods... but still, it is very annoying.

Take this for example...

It starts out real enough. The troopers who are presumably about five feet away from this jackass miss with every shot. But then it takes a turn for the ridiculous. He claims he has been force choked. Is he still alive? Well then, I clearly didn't force choke him. If I had, he certainly wouldn't be talking about it... or anything else ever again.

Then he goes into some poppycock (yes we have that here) about the size and purpose of an exhaust port. That's all great and everything... but how about a freaking cover for it! Bravo! It's small. Great accomplishment! In that case, it should be really flippin easy to find a cover for it. Even a little chain link would have been fine. But no! He left it wide open!

Then he starts talking about the exhaust being pushed out of a narrow port. Does this "architect" not understand The Maker damned physics?!! If there were gas being expelled from that narrow port as fast as he says, do you know what would happen? The Death Star would move or spin or something? Why? Because it is in outer freaking space. Even that idiot Isaac Newton from your planet knew that!

Guess how much of this my idiot boss got correct. Did you guess none? You should have.

So yep another lie. I bet next he's going to start telling everyone that the Death Star is flat! And some morons will believe it!

I am also personally offended by him calling force wielders "space wizards" . There was only one "space wizard" that I know about and he was just a crazy old man who lived in the desert and liked to pretend to be a dragon.

I don't quite understand what this dolt is insinuating by pointing out that Anakin Skywalker disappeared the day I showed up. Of course he disappeared. I destroyed Anakin Skywalker... and his little dog too.

This jerk might have had a chance to survive this stream of lies he was spewing if he didn't decide to specifically blame me for missing the whiny farm boy. I distinctly remember saying "I have you now" (if you had a voice as cool as mine, you'd talk to yourself too) just as I was about to blast that womp rat murderer. But then, that scruffy-looking nerf-herder and his walking carpet boyfriend showed up to knock me off course. You know why they could do that? Because five (or like 200 depending on which version you believe) of my bucket heads ambushed them in the Death Star a day earlier... and missed! Why? Because they were all firing left handed! Why? Because my boss is so cheap that he wouldn't buy any right handed blasters. So... not my fault.

I have no idea why there are two versions of this story... especially since the second one is ridiculously silly. Did an 8 year old make this change?

The only truth in that entire transmission is when my disgusting, shriveled up old boss made sure to leave a nice big hole leading to the core of the new Death Star. He does that crap all the freaking time.

I hate him so much.

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fake news
mining accident
stupid boss
scoundrel escape