When Life Hits You In The Face

A funny thing happened.
Over the past couple of months, I made two new friends. Both came to France for a guy: one got married to a Frenchmen, which is an interesting cultural clash in itself and will deserve a post of its own sometime, and moved to France from another European country; the other came here from the US for a relationship with another European expat (which is to say, not a Frenchman but someone who lives here with a visa anyway). They both make jewelry, which is how we got to know each other in the first place, but here the similarities between them end. One came from a small US village of about 200 people, and moved to the close suburbs of Paris, with all its hustle and bustle, its noise and pollution; the other, who used to live in a medium-sized European capital, found herself living in a village of… about 200 people (I swear these were the numbers in both cases), far from public transportation, shops, and all the conveniences life tend to offer you when you live in the big city. Both have been going through what can only be considered as "culture shock".

Why is this interesting, really?

Wikipedia defines "culture shock" as follows:

Culture shock is an experience a person may have when one moves to a cultural environment which is different from one's own; it is also the personal disorientation a person may feel when experiencing an unfamiliar way of life due to immigration or a visit to a new country, a move between social environments, or simply transition to another type of life.

This is very true, and apparently such culture shocks exist. I've had the pleasure of experiencing a mild form of that shock, which – as it wasn't dealt with – turned into depression, and I still don't understand how I managed to get out, especially since I wasn't aware of being depressed (although it was quite clear in retrospect).
The abrupt change of surroundings, people, language, weather, time zone, can bring you altogether to a complete shutdown. One day you live your life as you know them, and the next – boom! You have to not only find yourself, but also to reinvent yourself according to your current (and unfamiliar) possibilities and environment. This can break a lot of people, as well as relationships where one party lives in its home country and the other comes to live with them, in this foreign place. However, another problem is not knowing where home is anymore, especially after a few years of living abroad as expats. This article explains quite well the problem of expats who come to visit their homelands, and find that they are either treated as strangers there, or just don't feel at home anymore. I know that when I visit my home country, I don't feel like I belong there at all, and much less every time. I don't like the country less (I have my problems with it, but the country is really beautiful and the people are warm and mostly kind), but I do feel less and less like an integral part of it. What I remember as my "home" is no more, everything changes, and when you're not there to be changed with it, you drift away from the actual reality into what you remember, which no longer exists.

Could you imagine moving abruptly from living somewhere like this:

Photo Source: my own.

To somewhere like this?

Photo Source: Le Urban Explorer

Does this happen everywhere, to everyone?

No, of course not. Some people deal with the transition better than others; some have personal experience with the new culture/place/climate/language, which helps them cope; some get more help than others. However, the people are not the only factor here. Different places (countries, cities, etc.) treat newcomers differently. In Paris, newcomers who want to integrate seem to have a real problem, because it takes time to realize that the French society tends to be a closed one – the French usually prefer hanging out with "their own", so to speak, and it's really hard to make friends with them. The joke says that if you didn't go together to kindergarten, you'll never be able to make a French person your friend. I've been here for six years now, and I have no good French friends (I'm in good terms with my neighbors next door, but that's probably only because our children love playing together). Many of my expat friends say the same. Those who actually share their lives with a French person have more luck in that department, but only to some extent, because they will always be considered "strange" here.
In other countries, this is not the situation. A friend of mine moved to Amsterdam a few months ago, and she seems pretty well-immersed in the community at this point. People who move to different countries also seem to acquire some of the local characteristics, and so for a long while I found myself holding back from making new friendships with people who have come here for God knows how long, and might leave at any moment and leave me friendless. And so, you become more picky, and realize that maybe the French people don't know how long you will be staying here, and therefore don't know if you're worth the trouble of friend-making. Suddenly it all makes sense. A weird, twisted sense, but still.

How do you deal with culture shock?

There are many ways for dealing with culture shock, really. These days, the social networks make it much easier to deal with it, by joining local groups of people from your country or people who share your hobbies, or even groups of language exchange (polyglots) if you move to a country where they speak another language. Some take language courses in order to learn the language, but in many cases also to make friends with people of your own condition and status. There are meetups, parties, tours, everything is available online. When I moved to France, this was all in its beginning, and I wasn't aware of most of it, and so I failed to execute that part well, which is a shame.
Another way to deal with culture shock is to find a job. If you have the right visa, and are allowed to get a job, you can go search for one. It doesn't have to be work in your field or profession, as you do it to get out of the shock and immersed in society, and not (necessarily) to earn a living. If you aren't allowed to work, well, that's tough, but it doesn't stop many people from doing "under the table" babysitting or tutoring gigs, as well as finding other creative solutions for your situation until things get sorted out.
A third way, which is not uncommon, is going to a therapist and talking about it. There are psychologists everywhere, in some places they are very affordable, and if you don't find someone you like – there's always the option of psychotherapy via Skype with someone from your home country, who can help you feel more secure and be able to cope with things. Don't forget that this option exists, it's very important to some.
The important thing do to when moving from one place to another, is to remember that everyone can have this shock, it's natural, and there are various ways of dealing with it. I hope you get through this quickly enough, or know how to avoid it altogether, and make a new life in your new place of residence!

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