STARTER TAIL - (comedy sketch) - Comedy Open Mic Round 19
"Mom, my Starter Tail hurts!"
STARTER TAIL
By John DiFelice (@johnthefelon)
Characters
MOTHER
FATHER
SON
STARTER TAIL
COWBOY
(At rise, MOTHER, FATHER, and SON sit center stage. A large gift-wrapped box, about four feet high, is also on stage. SON looks disappointed. It is his sixteenth birthday.)
MOTHER
You sure got a lot of nice gifts today.
SON
I didn't get anything good.
FATHER
What do you mean? You made out like a bandit.
SON
I wanted a Playstation or an Xbox.
MOTHER
Well, you still have one gift left. Great Aunt Claire sent it all the way from California.
SON
She never gets me anything good.
FATHER
I can vouch for that.
MOTHER
She said it was really special, and it came in an awfully big box.
SON
It's probably something stupid.
MOTHER
I don't like that kind of talk. Now you're going to open her gift and write her a very nice thank you card no matter what it is.
SON
I hate writing thank you cards.
FATHER
YOU'LL WRITE YOUR GODDAMN THANK YOU CARDS AND LIKE IT! If the gift sucks we can take it back.
(SON unwraps the box. A beautiful and provocatively dressed young woman pops out of it. SON stares at her wide-eyed and then reads the tag around her wrist.)
SON
(Out to the audience) Oh Boy! Starter Tail!
FATHER
What the --
STARTER TAIL
Hi, Big Boy.
FATHER
What's going on here?
MOTHER
Well...Aunt Claire called to ask me if it'd be OK, and...we never let him have a B-B gun, so I figured what the heck.
SON
Thanks, Mom! This is the best present ever!
STARTER TAIL
Come on, Slugger.
(STARTER TAIL leads SON off stage left by the collar. FATHER looks off, consumed by envy.)
MOTHER
Honey, what's wrong? You look upset.
FATHER
(Petulant) No I'm not.
MOTHER
What is it?
FATHER
Nothing.
MOTHER
I know that look.
FATHER
(Hesitates, and then...) Well I never got any Starter Tail when I was sixteen! You know what Aunt Claire got me for my sixteenth birthday? Socks. Two pairs of socks!
MOTHER
Times change, Dear.
FATHER
I know, but...Jeez, when I was a kid, I had to work hard for my tail.
MOTHER
Don't be upset.
FATHER
It's not fair. These kids today...they get everything handed to them.
MOTHER
You're sounding bitter.
(Pause)
FATHER
(Rises, pointing off) How can we be sure he knows what he's doing? He could put an eye out!
MOTHER
He's not gonna put his eye out -
FATHER
Well, I better make sure!
(FATHER exits stage left in a huff.)
MOTHER
Honey...
(SON comes sailing out across the stage.)
MOTHER
Honey...
(SON runs back off stage left and comes sailing out again.)
MOTHER
Honey...
SON
(Whiney) Mom! Dad's hogging my present!
FATHER (off)
(Desperately) That kid's gotta learn to share! (Beat) Oh yeah!
MOTHER
I'm afraid your father's right. We all have to learn how to share. And the best way to teach is by example, (to FATHER) isn't that right, Dear?
FATHER
Ooo...Oh yeah! Um...right...hey Honey! Could you come here for a second.
MOTHER
I'll be right there. (To SON) Now, while we're in the other room, I want you to write Aunt Claire a very special thank you card.
(MOTHER fixes her hair and adjusts her breasts before exiting.)
SON
(To audience) Writing special thank you cards sucks.
(COWBOY enters with a glass of milk.)
COWBOY
(To audience) Now that's one way it could've turned out. But how about this?
(Scene rewinds. MOTHER and FATHER are seated as before. SON enters from stage left.)
SON
(Whiney) Mom! My Starter Tail only blew me.
FATHER
Only blew you?! Let me take a look at that receipt. (Reads the receipt) Ah, look at that. Aunt Claire bought the boy Catholic Tail.
SON
Catholic Tail sucks!
FATHER
Son, when I was your age I would've killed to get me some Catholic Tail.
(Beat, then father exits left hastily.)
COWBOY
Or, this could've happened.
(Scene rewinds. SON enters.)
SON
Mom! Someone used my Starter Tail before I did.
FATHER
Used your Starter Tail before you...?! Let me take a look at that receipt. (Reads receipt) Ah, look at that: cheap old Aunt Claire bought the boy Discount Jersey Tail.
SON
Discount Jersey Tail sucks!
FATHER
Son...
(Beat, then FATHER exits left hastily.)
COWBOY
But here's what really happened.
(Scene rewinds. Son enters rubbing his ass.)
SON
Mom! My Starter Tail hurts.
FATHER
It hurts?! Let me take a look at that receipt. (Reads receipt) Ah, look at that: blind-ass Aunt Claire bought the boy Tranny Tail.
SON
Tranny Tail sucks!
(Beat, then FATHER exits left hastily.)
COWBOY
(Smiling) And you know, Blind-ass Aunt Claire really did buy the boy Tranny Tail. And later on that night...he killed himself.
(COWBOY chugs the milk. Sound: "YaaaaaHOOOOOooooo!")
END OF PLAY
I nominate @harpooninvestor and @hodgetwins to participate.
Image from pixabay:
https://pixabay.com/en/cardboard-box-box-cardboard-package-155479/
Johnny,
Come be a judge in round 21.
OK. Tell me what to do.
These are good. You ever get a skit group to play these out?
Thanks. This sketch was performed live once. I have a video of it somewhere. I'll try to find it.
We prefer Teacher Tail, which is actually a real product that only certain kids in the world get. Very much like Willy Wonka's golden ticket.
Goddam kids get ALL the breaks these days, Teacher Tail hadn't even been invented yet back in our day.
Dear Great Aunt Clair,
It is with great pride, honour and other virtues used to rob the common man by politicians that I write you this message. My birthday's approaching as well, I'd prefer the sexy female starter tail
You know, when I was a kid I had to work hard for my tail.
blown away
not by the tail :P
but this was really good!
Thank you. When I was a boy, I would've killed to get any tail.
https://steemit.com/free/@bible.com/4qcr2i
Yeh, I'm with @acolucky, I want to see the DTube version.
Peace.
I'll post it if I can find it. But you, @bobaphet, have inspired one of my next videos. You'll know it when you see it.
Is it out yet?
Peace.
I'm targeting the next COM. It's about a guy who hits his head and becomes blind for one week. He has a female roommate who has a lot of sex toys lying around.
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