Anxiety
Greetings
So i said in my intro post i wasn't going to talk much about my personal/mental issues but today is a rough day and i want to write some things down.
I'm suffering from high anxiety. Basically i'm scared of most things and terrified of alot, especially social interaction and perseption. To give you a bit of a view of the scope of my anxieties here are some examples.
I'm very afraid i don't give our cat enough attention. I play and pat and cuddle with her, but i always feel terrible when i'm not giving her any attention. I can hardly deal with her meowing next to me to get on my lap. sometimes i just don't want to. but i'm overwhelmed by guilt whenever i don't allow it.
I'm terrified of talking to people on the phone, person to person, or really any form of contact. Especially when it can result in an argument or fight. My chest gets tight, i have trouble taking deep breaths and dozens of doom scenarios fly through my mind. I can hide it fairly well and so i can get by sortoff, but it's hampering me from doing anything worthwhile. like going to school or getting a job or making friends. And when things devolve into an argument my normally calculating and carefull head goes into a blank state of stubborn resistance and idiocy. making me feel all the more terrible after whatever stupid thing i've said this time.
I'm scared of the nieghbours. They seem like very nice and friendly people, but after almost a year of being here i've not had 1 conversation with any of them(they invited us over several times). I'm scared they think i'm a bad/nasty/useless person or whatever. That i dont'keep our garden tidy enough. I'm scared we're making to much noise or otherwise inconvenience them. I just can't get myself to walk up to them and talk.
I'm afraid of failing to manage the finances off the house. We don't have much and if i make some errors in spending we could be in trouble real fast. Ofcourse my dear parents help us out when we need it. But after leeching off them for years now and never amounting to anything, i don't feel like i have any right to it.
I'm also afraid i don't keep in touch with my parents/sister/friends enough. I don't do social niceties very well. I don't understand the use of small talk and am not really capable of it. So i only call when something interesting has come up. Which may be once a month but can just aswell be 3 months in between. But then you get these little comments designed to guilt trip you into calling more. Shame, Guilt, sadness.
I'm afraid the house is so dirty that an insect infestation is just a matter of time, but i still can't make myself clean behind the stove, under the couch, or even put a mop to the floor once every half a year. The dishes can stand there for over a week. It's not a nasty rats nest at all, but there's food rests everywhere.
I'm afraid i'll never get myself strong enough to hold a job and earn enough money to start a family. I'm so terrified of the 'workfloor' that i used to call in sick 25% of the time and am severly depressed/anxious the other 75%. I don't know how to deal with it, i've been to a couple psychs, done the cognitive behaviour treatment and the mindfullness stuff, none of it very effective, but at least i don't have full blown pannic attacks anymore. I don't believe i can hold a job as i am now, and anyone hiring me whould get a bad deal that i saw comming. Making me feel guilty and terrible for even applying while they could get anyone else who'd actually do some work.
I'm terrified of losing my girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, i love her more then anything and i know she loves me aswell. But i also know i'm incredibly useless and i have been for years with near to no improvement. She is amazing and very patient but still i'm afraid that patience will run out every time i do yet another disappointing stupid thing. She likes going out and seeing things, but i can't even manage a trip to the minigolf course becouse i can't provide the money for it.
I'm afraid of people i love getting hurt or dying. there's no real basis for this at all, i'm just constantly afraid my sis or gf may get raped. that mom's gonna get into an accident or dad gets a heartattack. I can't really stop these thoughts from popping up in my mind. And sure i can logically say that the chances of that are really not very large and worrying about it does me no good at all. But that really doesn't help for shit.
Most of all i'm terrified of never being able to change. I've not given up, not by a long shot. I'd like to lead a semi decent life at least. It's just that in 6-7 years not much has improved about me, and a case can be made i've really only gone downhill during that time.
All these things and more fly through my head every single day, forming a constant bubble of fear around me.
So far no treatment has really helped me much. A little here and there, but not enough to put me on the right track. I'll be getting some more in depth tests at my psych in the near future to see if we can find the underlying causes for my problems. So far it's been mainly psych guess work from talks. I hope there may be a more effective treatment for me once we know what the cause is. We'll see. sadly the waiting time for these tests is rediculously long. I've no clue what i'm supposed to do till then. I don't know how to get myself over all my issues, i wish i did. The awnser always seems to be "Just do it!" but that for some reason is the hardest thing ever. Maybe i'm just a antisocial lazy fuck refusing to take responsibility. Maybe i do have mental problems. at this point i just don't know anymore.
Immy.
Hey man, I really relate to the way your mind works, this happens with me too, I overthink everything and am always looking for the next thing that could go wrong. At this point I still struggle, but I used to have it really bad, and I couldn't even leave the house at one time in my life..( I touched on this in one of my posts recently if you feel like reading! )
But I just wondered, what do you do to 'let loose'? Because I've found there are certain things I can do that shake off the anxiety for a while, and as long as I keep up with these activities I stay on top of my life without worrying too much. Like going running, or cycling, getting my heart pumping makes me feel so much more free in my mind. Or even just a long walk . And do you listen to music? Because for me certain music can just change my whole outlook on life, there have been times in my life when music is the only thing that seemed to empower me. And this is before I played any instrument.. I just used to hang on it, if there was a message in the lyrics or even just the music itself that I could relate to then it would lift me up and stop me thinking negatively. And the same with films, if I feel like something is speaking to me in a positive way, I can carry that with me for days and I do that all the time, I actually only just rediscovered this recently, I had forgotten how important this was to my mental wellbeing and Reverted back to some serious suffering because of it!
It may be something else that works for you, but whatever the activities are you need to find them,and get out of this cycle by making them habitual.
Hope that helps you in some way..
If you feel so poorly about yourself and want to change it's best to take baby steps. I've struggled and have had friends struggle with depression in the past. It's easy to say 'Just do it!' but that doesn't always help. Give yourself small, productive and positive goals to get out of your habitual patterns. Stick with em' and you'll see improvement. That's just my opinion. All the best.
I imagine all of the worst things that can happen too, painful. I read an article a while back about how the Stoics imagine bad things to prepare, just in case. It was their technique, their method. These days especially it seems reasonable to imagine the worst but I"m not a Stoic. From what you have written you sound to me like a sensitive person and the world needs sensitive people
I totally understand where you're coming from on this topic. I'd urge you to check out my posts (I'll post the links at the bottom of my comment) on my personal battles dealing with anxiety and depression and the seemingly never ending emotional turmoil. I know how cliche and flat-out meaningless the phrase "It's all in your head" may seem to someone in your position, but after years of trying to "figure things out", I am convinced that most if not all of the suffering caused by anxiety is the result of our own thoughts and our attempts to find a cure/treatment to what is merely a self-taught way of thinking. The best first-step towards recovery wold be reaching out to others and being open and honest about your feelings and what you're going through. Obviously you've already completed this first step, so congratulations my friend, you've already accomplished one of the vital steps in this process! Next, I would try challenging yourself by doing this in person, if you haven't' already. I won't lie to you, it will feel uncomfortable at first, and you may be tempted to flee from such an uncomfortable social situation, but in the end, once you've pushed yourself and finally broken through, it will be so worth it, and you will feel as if nothing in the world can stop you! So keep doing what you're doing bro, you'll get there. Remember, it takes time, so be patient with yourself.
https://steemit.com/health/@markymark93/dealing-with-anxiety-depression-don-t-give-your-negative-thoughts-power
https://steemit.com/health/@markymark93/the-ultimate-treatment-for-social-anxiety-face-your-fears
I know how you feel. Thank you for your relatable post, and know that you arent alone in this!