Slings and Arrows...

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I first read Hamlet for school, I remember it well. I must’ve been about 12 years old, perhaps 13. A child, though not literature-wise. I’d read a lot of books by that age. And yet, I hated Hamlet with a passion. I read it as a class assignment, not because I couldn’t get out of it (I could’ve easily bluffed my way through it, and besides, we had a kind, understanding teacher), but because of personal ambition. I felt I had to like Shakespeare, because he’s a very cultured read, isn’t he? How can you have class and not like Shakespeare?

Maybe it was because I read it in Romanian (It was, after all, for Romanian class). Maybe it was the age, though no, I don’t think that was it. But for whatever reason, I hated it with a passion and vowed never to read Shakey Bill again.

Now, fast forward about two years, when I would literally sleep only a handful of hours each night and watch Shakespeare adaptations on repeat. I dreamed the words, knew them by heart, both the abbreviated version used in the movie and the original. Little by little, I made my way through all of Shakespeare’s plays, including Hamlet and now, I consider Hamlet to be one of the most fascinating stories in existence.

I fell in love with Will Shakespeare on my own. I was no longer in school by that time, had no official incentive whatsoever to give him another shot. Well, Jeremy Irons was involved in the adaptations I was watching, so there is that. I’m not trying to brag or show off my smarts or whatever. It’s just an interesting difference for me to note.

The other day, I was on my way downtown and I ran, to my surprise, into that very same teacher that I mentioned. A truly lovely woman and one of the few teachers from my school years I remember fondly. And one of the first things she asked me, naturally, was what university I was going to. And I said I wasn’t and it was incredible, but she had this “what?” look that took me back so fast, made me feel like I was 12 years old again.

And I explained why I’m not going to uni – because I feel this time would be much better spent writing and exploring who I want to be as a writer. See, I understand that no other time in my life will be more productive than this one here. I doubt I will have the time and the freedom from other responsibilities at 30 to write as much as I do now. At 70, I doubt I’ll have the same flow. Not trying to be mean or anything, just realistic, mainly basing these conclusions on what other writers have already said.

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I also told her I’d published a book and was trying to get another book published and had just finished a third. And it’s a hard road and while I don’t expect or desire anyone’s pity or sympathy, it was somewhat irritating to be so easily dismissed and told I should go to university.

I don’t blame her. After all, this is a woman who spent her life in the educational system here in Romania, she herself went to that university many years ago. And it was interesting, as she explained why I need to go to university, that she was contradicting herself. She said I might meet people and a great teacher who might nurture my writing passion and help me find my direction.

1. I probably would meet people, but the literary world here is small and very shitty in my opinion, especially in attitude. And besides, I don’t plan on writing in Ro any time soon, no it would be kinda useless.

2. The great teacher? It’s a lovely concept, but it’s also just a pipe dream and I’m realistic enough to understand that. There are a very few teachers out there with an actual gift and passion, a desire to see their students prosper and the odds of running into one are minute.

3. As for my direction, I alone can find that. And I am slowly discovering where I want to go and who I want to be as we speak. I don’t need anyone to show me the way.

And then she said something that stuck with me, she said

Sure, it’s not all going to be fun and there will be parts you don’t like. But there were parts you didn’t like in school, and you did that anyway.

Now, how contradictory is that? And how convincing to waste three years of my life? It’s that very same ‘trudge on’ mentality that has kept me away from school. You don’t like it, but you don’t believe you have a voice to protest, so you shut up.
Reminds me of something my beloved Corey Taylor sang:

Never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest

I love that quote, because it’s brutal and it’s truthful as hell.

This woman, as I said, is a good-natured person. I have no doubt she was trying to help me, she even told me, as we parted, that I’m a smart girl, in a month of heavy prep, I’d be ready to go to uni, which is probably true. And I wouldn’t like it, but I’d still do it, because that’s what good little girls do.

But maybe I don’t want to be a good girl and maybe I’d rather walk a road I like, a difficult road, but one that is my choice and mine alone.

Thanks for reading,