Sharing Is Caring, Is It Or Is It Not?

happycrazycon (63)in #parenting • 6 years ago (edited)

I think this post maybe a little controversial and everyone would have their opinions to comment on it, so I shall brace myself. I did contemplate if I should be sharing this or did I just put myself out on the "chopping board"? I know I am a first-time imperfect parent with only one child at the moment, so I have a lot more to learn. This post is merely my opinion coupled by some of my experiences so it is definitely NOT the universal truth. This post serves more like a reminder to myself anytime I need to manage my social expectations especially when my security kicks in and I dare not stand for what I believe in.

Sharing is caring.

This is a quote I have been hearing all my life and been brainwashed as early as I have learnt English, perhaps at 7 years old. Before that, I hear it in Mandarin Chinese, as my family is Mandarin speaking. I get it a lot when I have food and my good friends want to have a taste of it. I get it too when others know I have a good piece of information or gossip and they want to know about it. I'm not guilty of it as well, because I too use this quote when I want something from my friends until recently, when I realize my son doesn't like sharing (yet).

Sharing comes in many different forms, it can be sharing of a physical thing like food, books or it can be in an abstract form like love, life, information. I believe it is an innact ability to be able to share though it may vary at different level for different invididuals. It can also be coming from different motivations. For instance, I can be sharing if I am told to obey an instruction, or I can be sharing from a willing heart.

But, what if someone says this?

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Is sharing really caring? Well, don't misunderstand me for I am for kindness, goodness and sharing. It does make the world a better place. Sharing should always come from a place or heart that is at ease and not grudgingly. It is okay not to share when we don't feel the level of trust in the other person is worth all our vulnerability and pouring out. It is okay not to share if we feel there is something threatening our well-being. We can share each other's burden but we need not take it as if it is our own, because that is not the yoke meant for us, the other person will have the grace to go through the challenge.

When it strikes me in my thoughts about sharing

It actually troubled me at first, because I was afraid he is deemed as the child who is all selfish and self-centered. Some of the mothers I know would try to persuade (or insist) their children to share (Then, sometimes I see the child passes the toy over, but ran away crying). I too did try to make my child share, especially when it is common toys. I guess then I was parenting from my own insecurity of not parenting well. You see, I was also concerned if he "gets" it from me, though I don't think it is a trait that can be inherited scientifically, more like if he rubs on my "aura". I have my fair share of self-doubt when I realize parenting does not come with a manual and everyone has something to say.

"You have only one child now, that's why you can still be bothered to find out all these."

"They have to learn to share sooner of later, you can't protect and spoil them forever."

"Who and who, share share okay? Pass this to Levi because he is younger, you go play other things."

Well I get these a lot! Honestly, I am most of the time dumbfounded on the spot because I do not even know what words I should say or even what face should I put on. Should I say thank you? I appreciate your tolerance for Levi but is your child really okay with it? Will he feel what I feel all this while growing up? Hence, this post is written after taking as many things I have heard into account.

For whatever reason, “sharing” (I use quotation marks because it rarely involves actual sharing, but rather a child being forced to give up what he wants in favor of what someone else wants) has become a hyper focus of our culture. The very nature of sharing — its true definition and the expectations that surround it — is misunderstood. It’s become a behavioral box to tick. Or, as one 3-year-old’s mom once said to me, “We’re doing sharing boot camp this summer!” Obsessed with the idea, we parents struggle with ways to meet this expectation — we force turn-taking with our eye on the clock; we buy two identical toys — so that everyone has one. We threaten punishments “If you can’t share, no-one gets it!” and we pull at our children’s (very young) heartstrings, “But it makes Jamie so sad when you don’t share with him.” Anything to just get. Them. To. Sharedamnit. Source

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Why I have deliberately told myself to stop forcing my child to share

In our Asian culture, honour and respect is a huge deal. It is almost "expected" that we share the things we have and it is part of being polite, whether we like it or not. If a child fails to do it, it is as if all eyes will be on the parents because we have this saying, 没家教 (meaning no manners for your parents did not teach you correctly from home). Coming from a place of being the eldest, I know how it may feel like for my son. I do not want to force him to learn sharing just because I want him to behave in a certain acceptable way of the norm. I do not want to compromise his feelings of learning his security and also knowing he is important. As much as I did try to tell him to take turns when he is playing something, I also would not make him give away what he is playing or his own personal toy. I have been learning to tell him to make choices, hopefully powerfully, that if he decides and chooses to share, the other person can have it and play with him. If he does not want at the time, it is fine.

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When I first noticed my son is not willing to share most things, I had talks with my all-wise husband. He asked me instead: Why does he need to share?

Oh, that actually "headshot" me right in my face! YEAH, WHY?

He then continued and say, "When Levi wants to share, then he shares. When he doesn't want to, then he doesn't. If the other children cannot take it, then they just don't come over to play with him. Same as Levi. If he wants something they have, they don't want to share, then he can play by himself and not with them." AS SIMPLE AS THAT! (yet I still sometimes try to be nice, you know.)

I am also learning to take a step back to let them "go for it" to see how they can learn to sort it out, if they don't fight and beat each other up till it concerns the other parents. He can learn to process his negative feelings and learning to wait in a safe place, which I try to create a safe place with me, where there is no shame and feelings are valued.

With this, my son has learnt to use his words more by saying "no" when he is not ready to share or he would point to elsewhere to tell the person to go away from him. On the other hand, I have seen him progressively learnt to offer toys or stationeries more to us and even to his peers. He has shown more levels of empathy and he goes around asking us, "Here's something for you, you want?" I am glad to see this because it is ORGANIC! Of course, there are still days when he just wants to keep things to himself, which is fine.

I was intrigued to read this as I was doing some research on this topic:

Teaching your child how to ask for a turn, how to wait, and how to take turns is a learning experience. When children are not forced to share, the end result is a child who learns patience and empathy and one who will be able to handle more emotionally complex situations as they grow older. Source

In addiction, I found this approach by a preschool that is very interesting to me:

Should You Teach Kids to Share?
Author picture of Beth W
September 27, 2017
by BETH W
421.8K

There is a sharing policy at my son's preschool. It's a parent-run co-op, so we have to have policies like this so that we will all handle situations relatively the same way. The policy is that a child can keep a toy as long as they want to. If another child wants the toy, they have to wait until the first child is done with it. We'll even "save" toys for the child if they have to go to the bathroom, go to the snack table, etc. so that it won't get taken before they're done. This applies to anything in the yard or school that can be played with, including swings and monkey bars. Source

This approach speaks so much about honouring the little ones in their opinions. It really does make them feel important and contributes towards their wholesomeness. The children learns to make their choices and decisions under a powerful environment, knowing that they reply always protected and the teachers have got their backs. It also develops trust healthily.

This is a video about the 7 reasons to not force sharing by theparentingjunkie. After I watched it, I am picking out 3 points which stand out a lot to me, with my add-ons in interpretation.

They will learn over time.
It is too much to ask a young child (yeah, 2-3 years old are still considered young) to be able to self-control and self-manage when we adults are still learning it and managing it ourselves. In this video, it is also said that it is an unrealistic expectation to expect a 2-, 3- or 4-year old to be able to fully understand and also have the brain development to sync the action with their level of reasoning. They simply yet to differentiate that everyone has different needs and wants, moreover to think of another peer as a different individual.
What message am I trying to get across to my child?
Am I wanting to teach him he is powerful enough to choose to be kind or do I just want to see the outcome of him being able to share regardless what is making him do it? This can be removing his or her strong sense of ownership and make them feel their "territory" is invaded and they have no control or say over it. If this is not taken care of tactfully, it may cause them to lose their "voice" as they grow up. I think we should value their opinion on which things can be shared or which topics can be shared with the others. This includes speaking about them in front of them with others, to prevent embarrassment and hurting their confidence which is building.
Manage the expectations of others and also myself to not put my child's best interest at stake.
This is quite tough for me, as I grow up almost men-pleasing most of my life. However, this is something I learn that I need to assure my child he or she is important, more important than how others may see me or his dad. We cannot just hand his developing "ego" over just because we want to please another parent or another child.

I truly believe that besides a good and kind heart that we use to share, God creates also the sense of dominion and ownership over our own things and belongings, including our country. Recently, my country is letting us contribute with our own money to a fund of hope to settle some outstanding national debts. I like this idea as I can do my part as a citizen to own up my country and do something that is history-making. I can proudly say I was part of my country saving my country.

Here's me coming clean to why I myself struggle with sharing.

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I always have a dilemma between sharing, being nice and owning up my own belongings. I am taught to be kind and naturally I would want to be too. Previously, I did feel a fair share of being the expense of others having what they want. Let me bring you through some things I realize and am getting healed of.

Well, I have to admit I myself am bad at sharing and I am quite ashamed to admit this. I am okay sharing with some people I feel safe with but I can be really reluctant when I feel not comfortable. It is a problem I struggle a lot with and I would talk to God about it which He would add assurance upon me too.

I remember I told Him: I am so bad at sharing, maybe I am not meant to be. He told me that I like to give, so there could be reasons why I don't feel secure sharing. I traced back to my younger self. Being the eldest and having another sister younger than me by 13 months, I felt that I had to give up a lot of my preferences to share my belongings with her. Sometimes, the things I like is to be given away especially the beautiful dresses that I love but because I was very skinny, they look better on my sister, so I get the shirt and pants instead.

God redeemed me in this when He told me He has everything enough for me, I need not sacrifice something to gain His love. That started my process of inner healing and I got on my journey to be wholesome again. However, truth to be told, I still need to remind myself from time to time, that it is now okay to share in areas I can and with people I can. It is not a wise move to share everything everywhere as well. At least for now, I know when I am holding things or people back when I feel I am in lack and can ask for God's love and truth to fill me again.

My conclusion

Maybe after reading all these, you may think I am implying sharing is not good. NO! I think sharing is a way of living, in areas that we can, we shall! Just like this beautiful cause @iamjadeline is doing to raise funds to share her brother's burden, I invite you to check out A humble sincere request to help my brother @denion and his wife | Crowdfunding. Crowdfunding is a way of raising money from worldwide to support a project or a crisis in need.

If the sharing doesn't put another person at stake, then perhaps it is caring like crowdfunding. When I say another person, it includes yourself and also your loved ones too. They are not meant to be in the "sacrifice" list. I too am learning to not give away my own mental health just to be "nice".

My conclusion would be I will not force my child to share, not until he can understand and he wants to do it himself with explanations from my side. His sense of importance is not going to be compromised. My stand and concern is I want to help my child to develop psychologically at his timing. No doubt, some children can share better at the same age while others thrive hard to do so, but there is no competition and it should not make the parents feel better just because of that. Sorry not sorry, I don't brain wash my child to share or make him feel better to share. Though I know I cannot be there all the time for my child, I intend to raise up a powerful human who can decide and stick with his decision, not out of insecurity. He can share when he wants to and when he shares, it is with much joy and love. Hope I manage to clarify myself well enough and again, I am NO perfect parent. Thanks for taking your time to read through my opinion.