Three Brothers—Comedy Open Mic Round #22

During the Great Depression, as the story goes, there were three brothers whose family was of high society. However, as the depression wore on, the wealth of the family began to deteriorate, and they found themselves on the brink of bankruptcy.

The brothers, however, were known for their business acumen, keen eye for opportunity, and a penchant for thinking outside of the box. Within proper limits, all fine and enviable qualities. However, in the minds of the brothers, desperate times called for desperate measures. Which meant considering alternatives that none of their wealthy and well-connected predecessors had ever considered.

The oldest, Richard, was the one who first voiced the idea aloud, albeit as if testing the waters. "We've all heard of the story of Robin Hood, yes?" As his brothers nodded quizzically, he added, "Well, it's not like we can give it our own twist and just go and rob from the rich and then give it to ourselves, now can we?"

His brothers did not blink. For a moment, they did not speak. Then in unison, they both said, "Why not?"

Finding that none of them had any major objections (other than the general moral code against stealing), they started to explore the possibilities.

In addition to their aforementioned abilities, they also had some hobbies and side interests that would come in handy. Richard had the gift of gab. William, the next oldest, was a very good amateur magician, and Carl could solve riddles, puzzles, math equations and other types of quandaries virtually without trying. All of these, and other compatible traits would be put to good use.

It took them a while, as it does in any new endeavor, to get their larceny enterprise up and running, but once they did, they were wildly successful. Much more than any of them could have dreamed of. They robbed banks, museums, art galleries, mints, treasuries, jewelry stores and private residences all over the world. In all, the heists totaled 47 over a six year period. Not once did they get caught. The primary reason—until the items they stole appeared on the open or black market, meticulous fakes were left in their place. By the time a sale came around, the original theft trail was cold, and the brothers devised enough false leads and dead ends and subterfuge that nothing could remotely be traced back to them.

They also enjoyed a great amount of good fortune.

And so it was that even though the depression wore on, the brothers and their families prospered. They were able to shore up their holdings with their ill gotten gains to ensure another economic downturn would never affect them again. They used the money to buy legitimate businesses and to procure legal investments. And so it was when the last of the loot had been sold off, 10 years after their first theft—neither family, nor friends, nor employees or business associates, as well as local, national or international authorities—were any the wiser.

But alas, as they say, nothing lasts forever.

For, as with the case of all of us, the brothers were only human, with their own flaws and weaknesses.

While a brilliant businessman and conversationalist, Richard was also a drunkard, and when he drank, he divulged things he would otherwise never do. His brothers made him give up alcohol all through the thieving and fencing years. Unfortunately, the desire to drink never went away, and without a reason to forebear, he went right back to it.

William, whose uncanny knack for finding opportunities where others did not, was also a compulsive gambler. He, too, was sworn off the vice, but like Richard, went right back to it when their pact was fulfilled.

And Carl? Well, his out of the box thinking was legendary, as was his puzzle solving skills. When it came to bad habits, though, he didn't really have any. Unfortunately, he could have done with some. Instead, he was a terrible liar, horrible at improvisation, and was lousy at keeping secrets. Being a bachelor, he had lived with William so his older brother could look after him and keep him out of situations where he might reveal everything. After such a long time, and without further obligations to one another, as you could imagine, William told Carl to find his own place. So, Carl did.

In the end, not one of them was solely responsible for their downfall. They all had a role in it.

For Richard, it was at an international gala event. Despite his wife's protests, as was his wont, he got inebriated. It just so happened that among the guests were many of the wealthy or representatives of the institutions the brothers had robbed. In his liquored up state, he enthusiastically, and very obnoxiously, let them know how he had swindled them all.

William, on the other hand, quickly fell into sizable debt with one of the more violent mobs who ran gambling establishments. While he could have paid the debt off with his own money, he decided to commit another robbery solo in order to foot the bill. Without the help of the other two, however, he didn't make it past the entrance alarms of the small antique shop and was arrested on the testimony of an eyewitness seeing him flee the scene.

And Carl? Well, he was actually doing quite well, keeping to himself, until word got to him that both Richard and William were facing indictments for grand larceny and other charges. When his girlfriend asked him about, he confessed everything. She encouraged him to turn himself in, which he did, and he became the principle witness against his brothers.

And so it was, as the story goes, that the three brothers were all sent to prison, all at the same time, and all in the same place.

Being a facility housing white collar criminals, the food wasn't bad, nor the company, and the three brothers could have lived out their long sentences in relative contentment. However, security was not high, and after a time, the brothers grew bored of their confinement. Just as before, it was Richard who came up with the idea. "I don't suppose that either of you would want to leave this fine establishment?"

The other two didn't blink, and for a moment, they did not speak, but then, in unison, they replied, "Why not?"

Without any major concerns about the idea (other than they could get shot in the act if they were caught), the three brothers went about meticulously planning their escape.

It took a while, as any grand scheme will, but several weeks later, everything was put in place. In the dead of night, while all other prisoners slept and the night shift guards found themselves more drowsy than normal thanks to a strong sedative poured into their coffee, the three brothers cautiously, but quickly, let themselves out of their cells, down their cell block, into the mess hall and out the backdoor of the kitchen.

Their departure was timed with the retrieval of the week's garbage, which was done at 2 AM. They loitered among the bins until they were able to see the garbage trucks arrive, and then jumped into them. Each dumpster was raised onto a truck and one by one, they left the prison walls.

The idea from there for the brothers, after their truck was underway, was to count to 100 and then leave the garbage bin and jump off the back of the truck. Since it took a while for the new empty garbage bins to be off loaded and to replace them with the filled ones, the trucks left staggered in four to five minute intervals. The count was meant to get them out of the prison and down the road far enough that they would be out of site of the guard tower but not yet at the main road.

As each truck left, the brother, from oldest to youngest, carried out the plan. Richard was the first to leave, and precisely at the count of 100, he rose from the bin and vaulted out, rolling as he hit the gravel road. Dusty, but otherwise unscathed, he moved quickly into the tall grass at the side of the road and waited for the others.

Soon, right on schedule, came the truck with William in it, and like his brother before him, William jumped out and joined Richard.

That left Carl. At the count of 100, he lifted up the garbage lid and scrambled onto the edge of the dumpster so he could fling himself off. In doing so, the bottom of the left pant leg of his prison issued garb got caught, and when he went to leap, instead of hurtling into space, he simply fell forward and slammed against the side of the bin. Dangling by one leg, his head and shoulders below the truck bed, he tried to he free himself, but couldn't.

After what seemed like eternity, he felt strong arms grab him. There was a tear as the fabric of the pant leg ripped, and then he was half pushed, half dragged into the tall grass.

Not knowing exactly what was happening, Carl fought to get out of the rough hands of his attackers, but was subdued. It was then that he was able to see in the darkness that his brothers had rescued him and now they were waiting for his truck to clear.

Unfortunately, it had lumbered to a stop and the driver and his partner were slowly making their way to the back of the truck with lanterns trying to determine the cause of the momentary din. Over the rumble of the truck, it was barely audible, but it was just enough to cause both concern. So, with the thought that they had ran over something, or that something had fallen off, they checked the front, the side and then came to the back.

"We need to move!" Richard whispered as the three brothers watched the proceedings. Still ducking, they all lunged forward, moving as fast as they dared against the rustling of the grass.

They might have gotten away unnoticed, but once the driver and his partner realized the garbage bin was open, they figured the lid couldn't have done it on its own, and began searching the surrounding area for the likelihood of an escaped prisoner. When there lanterns did not immediately reveal anyone lurking on either side of the tall grass, they used the truck radio to call the guard tower. From there, the message was relayed inside to check the cells for any missing prisoners.

It took some time. The brothers had arranged their beds so that it appeared they were sleeping in it, but after the first round of merely peering in the cells didn't produce anything, the guards went in armed to roust each man. It was then that they came upon the three empty cells where the brothers were kept.

By then, the trio of fugitives had a fairly decent head start. They were well within the neighboring forest and underbrush when the prison trucks with hounds and handlers arrived where the men with the garbage truck waited. After sniffing around, the hounds went charging and baying in the direction of the forest, with the guards laboring on foot behind them.

The brothers could hear the dogs, and led by Richard, they did what they could to cover their tracks. They ran off in different directions, they circled a swath of trees, each tactic bringing the unleashed hounds closer. Finally, William located a section of the creek that ran through there and the three brothers followed it for as long as it ambled east. When it turned, they splashed out and continued on their way.

That befuddled the canines for a time, allowing their masters to catch up. Deciding the three brothers were heading in a mostly easterly direction, the guards decided to continue along the creek until it banked to the north. When it did, the lead dog picked up the scent and the chase was on again.

While the brothers had been involved in physical activity for the weeks they were in prison, it wasn't enough to overcome a lifetime of relative ease and leisure. So, all three were winded, and none more than Richard. With the call of the hounds ever nearing, he pointed up in the top of the trees and said, "Keep on as long as you can, then get up into the canopy and stay still."

"That's not going to fool the hounds," William said, "We need to keep going."

"Act like a bird or something," Richard said. He waved them on. After some hesitation and great reluctance, his brothers obeyed and left him at the bottom of a tree. With some effort, he was able to shimmy up the trunk high enough to grab a hold of the lowest branch and pulled himself up until he disappeared amid the leaves.

It didn't take long for the hounds to arrive. They circled the tree, snarling and wailing until their masters finally arrived. The guards shone their lanterns into the canopy, but they couldn't penetrate the foliage. A guard carrying a rope looped it over a higher branch, secured it, and then began to walk up the trunk. As he did, with the dogs hushed, all eyes and ears were alerted to the sight and sound of movement above. As the search party stopped, waiting for it to happen again, they heard distinctly, "Caw caw caw caw."

The raven call repeated a few times before the climbing guard was ordered to stand down. One of the handlers tugged on the lead dog and shouted, "Go!"

Confused momentarily with the command, the hound started sniffing around. Within seconds, she had the trail of the still fleeing brothers and the chase was renewed.

While they should have been putting greater distance between themselves and their brother, William and Carl waited breathlessly within hearing range of tree. They heard Richard imitate the bird. The moment the dogs were set loose, the brothers started running again.

Soon, though, William knew the dogs would be upon him, so he waved Carl to go on and with some effort, climbed up into the tree. Sure enough, a short time later, the hounds rounded below, snarling and wailing and when their masters had caught up, the guard with the rope secured it on a higher branch and began his ascent.

He was a little farther up than where he had reached in the first tree when again, as the dogs were quieted and all eyes and ears were trained upward, that they caught the sight and sound of movement. Then, clearly and distinctly, they heard, "Meeeeeoooooooooowwwwwrrr."

The cat sound repeated a few times before the climbing guard was told to stand down. Again, the same handler tugged on the lead dog and a little rougher this time shouted, "Go!"

Still confused from the last time, the hound took a few more seconds to get her bearings, but with renewed spirit, she caught the scent of the third brother and she and the pack bounded after him.

Well, as you can imagine, Carl didn't get far. He had paused to await the fate of William, and when he realized he had succeeded in his own ploy, Carl trodded on for several yards, but decided he should get up into the tree because it might take a while. Fortunately, he underestimated his own abilities, and thanks to some fear and a corresponding rush of adrenaline, he made it into the canopy in no time.

That was good, because it seemed that no sooner had he settled in when the baying of the dogs produced such a ruckus he thought they were trying claw their way up to him. Presently, the guards arrived and as the dogs were quieted, Carl heard the rush of the rope and then as it tighten on a branch below. Perspiration was teeming on his brow, and he could feel a panic coming over him. What was he going to do? He needed to make an animal sound. But Richard had used the most obvious, a bird, and William had gone with a cat. Should he repeat one of those? William hadn't, so that didn't seem right. What else would be in a tree? An owl? That was another bird. A squirrel? What kind of noise did a squirrel make?

There was the creaking of the branch and scuffing sounds on the bark as the guard made his way up. He was already well past the place he had ascended in the previous two attempts. Near paralyzed with terror, Carl didn't know what to do. He wasn't that great with animal noises, anyway. The only animal he could ever kind of imitate came into his mind. Feeling rushed, not knowing what else to do, he shook the branches around him.

From below, all eyes and ears caught the sight and sound of movement. Shortly thereafter, it was followed by a bellowing, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

About This Post

This post is my attempt to fulfill the nomination given to me by @themanwithnoname for the @comedyopenmic Round #22. It is based off of a rather common joke about three prisoners who try to escape and find themselves up trees imitating different animals in order to fool their would be captors. The rest of this post, including all of the backstory and the details surrounding the prison break are my own embellishments.

In turn I nominate anyone and everyone who would like to try their hand at this. Good luck!

All images are from Pixabay, except for the razor wire fencing, which is from Unsplash.