LETTING IT BLEED

The only thing I used to console myself was the fact that I force myself to think you fell in love with my flowers 🌸 so when autumn 🍂 came you didn’t know what to do.☹️

Anagapesis ...

Never really liked the word. Just doesn't roll off your tongue like it should right? Technically, you don't even have to roll your tongue. It isn't a tough word mind you, quite simple actually. But still, its like you have to push it out of your throat. I guess the difficulty lies in its novelty, uniqueness and our unfamiliarity with it. Just like it's meaning. Dictionary defines it as falling out of love; the feeling of not loving someone or something once loved. A difficult state to achieve. I for one, never thought could achieve it. That I could ever stop loving him. Ever.

Now when I think about it, look back on those 3 months we were together and then the months of suffering after that, they feel so foreign, I feel foreign. Like watching a movie. Well the way I loved him was too after all the stuff for fairy tales and cinema so no surprises there I guess. But still, man did I love him. I loved him like I've always wanted to be loved. I loved him like I love the air I breathe, like the books I read, like the salt I eat and the demons I beat. Unconditionally, unknowingly and uncontrollably. Its not that I didn't know it was gonna end up breaking my heart, I knew it all too well. But still I let him and the funny thing is, I myself gave him the gun, showed him where to shoot, how to shoot and even how many bullets to fire, to get the job done and like the hopeless romantic that I am, believed that, nah, he isn't gonna shoot. Why would he? How could he? For he loved me too. Or did he?

As always I digress. Coming back to present. I can satisfyingly say, that I have achieved anagapesis. I have fallen out of love with him. People say you never really stop loving someone, you just stop showing it. I beg to differ. You can and do fall out out love. And you should. There is a difference between letting go and quiting. Letting something go leaves you in peace and heals you. It's like you getting surgery. You deal with pain, helplessness, fear but end up getting healed while quitting is like putting on makeup. You have to deal with the nasty scar sometime, you just buy time. Quitting produces regret. And I, have no regret that I fell in love with him and then fell out of it. Because in all this chaos, I met a wonderful soul, mine. I met me. I now know that I can give someone the love of their dreams but I also can let them go. Because I know that I can give myself the same love, the same fairytale. I can be my own Price charming and save myself.

Now the most important question, how did I know that I have fallen out of love with him. Well I realised that I am screwed when he made his way into my passion . I wrote and suddenly realised that yes, I've fallen because no other was I able to portray him. And likewise, here he is, mentioned for the very last time, giving me the closure, and telling me that he no longer belongs here and in my heart. They say, if you can't let it be, you might as well make it bleed. I say, why not do both. So here I am, letting it be and making it bleed.