Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - Part 8

Let's Talk About It?

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

After the close of the conference, there was always a core group of us that would linger for a few days, helping to store the conference equipment, feast together, and simply defrag from the exhilarating and freeing conference experience.  We went out to lunch with both Quinn’s and my families including his aunts who were in town.  Nether Quinn nor I resisted  the magnetic pull toward constant physical contact even in their presence.  We touched each other almost every minute of the day in some way, even having our feet entangling together under the restaurant table.

His mother finally asked what was up with us two.  Neither of us had an answer.  I had no words to explain what was happening or how I was feeling, and I certainly didn’t want to call it something.  How in the world does one describe a whirlwind like this?  After more insistent questioning, Quinn finally stated we were simply exploring being present with each other right now.  Quinn’s mom couldn’t really wrap her head around it either.  It didn’t seem to make any sense to her and it seemed to just come out of the blue.  She watched us while trying to reserve judgment, but it was obvious she had some ideas that made her very uncomfortable.

Quinn was living at home and playing the video game World of Warcraft full time.  He didn’t have his own phone or his own car, so we were dependent on his mom’s phone for our verbal communication, and I traveled to their house to see him or pick him up.

It was awkward for both his mom and me, as much of the time she and I had spent together was now also filled with Quinn.  All of our constant, magnetic contact added another layer of discomfort, a whole ball of fire neither of us really knew how to talk about.  Quinn and I were either together at my house doing our own thing and she was home alone without her best friend or her child she had enjoyed being with on a daily basis, or I was there with him in their backyard or his cottage in the back, or it was us three together.  His mom and I spent much less time alone now  for any extended periods of time though we still did our artsy and culinary passions together.  

His mom and I really sucked at talking about the situation, especially considering all the years we had discussed and shared so many important, valuable, or difficult issues.  She was never good about talking about herself, but focused more on the lives of others.  Not talking about her feelings under these circumstances now was, I suppose,  no real surprise. I know I could have done a way better job at communicating with her too, being vulnerable, raw and real with her, including her, and generally finding a better balance.  (Hindsight and evolution FTW!)  I didn’t ignore her by any means, but honestly, balance wasn’t of predominant top-notch importance to me at the time--I had eternity to remember!

I grew up in a family of non-talkers (which I imagine is quite common for most families). When issues would arise, we would just not talk about them until our hand was seriously forced.  None of us liked confrontation, so would avoid it at all costs--including just being miserable in our own minds about it.

My was-band and I didn’t communicate very well either, but didn’t really know how to go about opening up.  If we had made communication a priority, our relationship (especially toward the end during the really only difficult times, we had) would have been much less stressful and our everyday and long-term relationship richer.

I’ve learned that communication is a key factor for relationships to work.  Being with Quinn I began to realize how shut down I was in that area and he held space for me to break down some of the barriers I had made so solid.  Though through these years with him I have gotten way better--and am much better than many people I know--I still basically suck at it!   It’s a challenge for me to be vulnerable in exposing my true feelings, but Quinn still provides me huge opportunity in every moment to show the real me.  He is always open to talk about anything, and holds no judgment about it. He is clearly a reflection of me, which can be very difficult to face!

I feel writing this story is part of my process of opening up as I am releasing energy from deep inside while creating the best, most delicious version of myself.

Stay Tuned for Part 9