Why I chose to co-sleep with my child
As an excited first time mum, patiently waiting on the day to come when my baby would be with us, we were happy and thankful for my dad who got us a cot for our baby to be. My dad sanded it back and put some fresh varnish on it so it looked like new. He bought us a new mattress, sheets etc. A beautiful cot for a beautiful baby is what he said.
We setup the nursery with the cot, change table, nursing chair and made it lovely and cosy, awaiting our baby's arrival.
This is the cot dad got for us
Finally the day came when my girl entered into the world and eventually we were able to bring her home, to her own room and this beautiful cot. It had special meaning to me because my dad passed away shortly before she was born so it was nice to have her in the cot that he had spent hours preparing for her.
It became clear that my girl was not a good sleeper. I was incredibly lucky to get 2 hours of sleep from her in one stretch. One hour was her usual sleep length. I was becoming severely sleep deprived. As a new mum, I was expecting to have sleepless nights, but not to the extent that I was experiencing. The lack of sleep was making me disoriented. When she would wake up in the night I would stumble out of bed and I would walk straight into the wall. I would get lost trying to get out of our bedroom and into her room across the hallway. A few times my partner would wake up and I would be behind the bedroom door trying to find my way out of the bedroom. By the time I would get to her she would be worked up and upset and would take longer to settle down.
Due to the lack of sleep I would be breaking down in tears all the time. That is not like me. Little stupid things would make me cry. One day I dropped my breakfast on the floor and it spilled everywhere. Big deal, just pick it up. Well to me at the time it was the worst thing ever. I was in tears far too often and my partner and I were getting into stupid arguments over nothing. It was awful and something had to change.
My baby would sleep for hours when she was on me. I found this out when we would both fall asleep while she was nursing. I would wake up hours after I went into her room to feed her. This was happening too often and every time I would wake up with a fright so scared that I had dropped her. Luckily I hadn't and she was happily asleep in my lap.
I started looking into options about how I could get her to sleep with us, but safely. I knew about co-sleeping but all the information I had on it was how dangerous it was and how we would end up suffocating or squashing our baby. So to me that was not an option for us. I didn't want to kill her in my sleep.
My search for a safe way to sleep was futile. There was no information about how to safely co-sleep with a baby or infant. I tried our local well child nurse, but I got an earful from her about the dangers and how our baby had to be sleeping in her cot, by herself, on her back. Nothing else. If I did anything other than that I was increasing the risk of SIDS. The nurse also recommended sleep training. That was never an option for me.
I felt trapped by a non sleeping baby and a system that was so rigid I couldn't even have a useful discussion without feeling belittled. I was desperate.
When my girl was 3 months old I gave up with listening to the nurse and decided to do what felt right to me. I asked my partner to move her cot in beside my side of the bed. My intention was to have her sleep beside me in her cot and when she woke up I could feed her and put her back to sleep, without having to leave our bedroom.
I quickly realised how much better she slept when she was beside me in our bed when one night I decided to let her sleep beside me after feeding her instead of putting her back in her cot. It was bliss. We both had the best sleep. After a couple of nights of letting her sleep beside me after she had fed, I soon realised how in tune I am with her. When she stirs or moves I am aware of it. I knew there was no way I would squash her. We also follow safe co-sleeping guidelines and there's no chance she would get suffocated either.
Those first few nights were over 5 months ago now and I never regret my decision to bring her to my bed.
Last night my girl slept for 13 hours. 13 hours!! She stirred and fed during the night so I'm waking to feed her, but she doesn't wake and she never cries anymore. She's happy and content. I'm happy because I'm getting more sleep and it feels so right to me.
It's the right decision for our family and I am so happy that I tried it.
It has highlighted to me just how regimented that our healthcare professionals are here. They wouldn't help me when I went to them with issues related to sleep. I feel that safe co-sleeping should be an option out there for people to explore. Maybe they should have a checklist for people on how to safely co-sleep with an infant if they don't have any of the risk factors. But, this may be something I raise with them in the future.
I had to find out how to co-sleep via the Internet. During my searches I found out that co-sleeping/bed sharing is natural for many cultures. It is considered mean to put a new baby in a bed in a different room. When I think about it now I wished that I had just tried it from the beginning. I had always hated having her apart from me and I now know that she's a much happier baby because she just wants to be with me too.
I'm cherishing every night I get to have her cuddles. I know that it will be too soon before she wants to be in her own room and I will always remember this time with her with very fond memories.
Images: www.pexels.com
I give you credit for not only listening to your own instinct and intuition, but being brave enough to tell others. To possibly allow others to feel that they have options, that they can make their own choices, that just because someone went to an institution that gave them a piece of paper, it does not mean that they know everything. When my children were babies I was told they were supposed to sleep on their sides to avoid SIDS. A decade later it's their back. A decade from now they'll have some contraption for a baby's head while they sleep.
We definitely live in a world where all things seem to be decided by committees of people who probably don't even have experience with the topics their deciding. Humanity survived all kinds of perilous things for thousands of years without the help of committees ;)
Thanks so much for your response. You are so right. My mum said that they were told to put us to sleep on our fronts (with our heads tilted to the side). It's crazy how it changes over the years.
I too co-slept with my kids. Or should I say my last two. After struggling through sleepless nights and walking around like a zombie I finally got smart. My sister inlaw was staying with us to help and she saw that my baby would not sleep unless he was being held. So one night she grabbed the baby took my hand walked into my room laid the baby down and told me to get into bed with him. I thought she had lost her mind. She told me to go to sleep I argued for a bit then gave up. That night was the best sleep I had had since I brought him home. From that night on I co slept. When my last child my daughter came along I didn't think twice about it I brought her into bed with me and many good sleeps. Co sleeping made me change my way of thinking and parenting I am what you would call an attachment parent. Good luck and keep following your instincts.
Yes, I'm an attachment parent and I didn't even know it! I didn't know such a thing existed. I've half written a post to put up here about it.
Your sister inlaw sounds awesome. Glad she introduced you to cosleeping.
Attachment style parenting somehow was ingrained in me, too, even though I didn't know the term for it existed. Then "ecological breastfeeding" - no pacifiers, no "every four hours" schedule, but feeding on demand, whether for comfort, or hunger. In 21stC America, this parenting style is not well supported. I had no family nearby, nor friends who could give me a break from the attached child. I gave up singing in church - not even for an hour would my attached baby let me out of her sight. The church babysitter chastised me: "She's only six months old! She's crying out of anger, to get her way" - fed, diapered, all that. I want to say all three children grew up more secure, confident, loving, and close to me, for all this, but the culture we live in has more influence than one eccentric mother.
This needs to be shared with more people,
so I resteemed it.
I wish that parents didn't have to put themselves through horrible bedtime routines like you went through.
Co-sleeping is what mothers' just do naturally -- but so-called experts come along with crap advise and act like they know better than what has worked for thousands of years across the world.
Here is the article that I wrote a month ago on the same topic, and my own journey in co-sleeping.
https://steemit.com/parenting/@canadian-coconut/my-family-bed-story-how-i-followed-my-mothering-instinct
Thanks so much for resteeming this. It means a lot. I was a bit nervous to post it here because I'm the only person I know who co-sleeps. It's a big "no-no" here in New Zealand and people don't talk about it. I've been talking to all my new mum friends but they all couldn't do it because they're too nervous about hurting their baby.
It is very natural to me and feels right. I have a few stories that I might share about my experiences as a mum and being that one mum who does things 'against the rules' when I get some time. It feels good to tell the truth and even better knowing there's people out there that agree, support and share the same views. Thanks so much.
Off to read that article, canadian-coconut!
Cosleeping is the best kept secret for getting a good night's sleep with a baby who doesn't sleep through the night. I've done it with all five of my babies and wouldn't change a thing. I'm sure you know this, but the one instance when cosleeping is not safe is if the mother is under the influence of alcohol or some drugs. So, if you've had an injury and are on heavy duty narcotics for the pain, then that would be a good time to use the cot. Otherwise, keep her with you all night :)
Thank you so much for your response. We still have the cot beside the bed just in case we have a reason to use it like you mentioned. We will be co-sleeping with any future children we are lucky to have too. It was certainly the best thing for me to do and will never regret it.
Great post! I have struggled with the same thing. I read the book Babywise, which is encouraged parent-led feeding. It definitely wasn't for us, and always left me guessing and feeling guilty having her cry it out now, to give the gift of sleep later. I think we instinctually know what we ought to do, though of course there is room for education on any topic.
I read that book too while pregnant with my first. I thought it sounded logical and good. Thankfully when I told a friend about the book, she told me that she had tried it and it didn't work and to forget about it! I'm glad she told me that. Turns out that I did the complete opposite -- as it was what just seemed right and good once I became an actual mother. Now I look at that book as being one of the most horrible books that there is in misleading poor mothers and parents.
Thanks very much for commenting. I knew that I couldn't let her cry it out.
My mum still feels incredibly guilty for letting my older brother (her first born) cry. She didn't want to, but her mother told her that she had to leave him and wouldn't let my mum go to him. My grandmother thought she was doing it right.
There's just so much information out there that it's hard to know what's right. Going with what feels right to me is how I'm getting through this! I'm a first time mum so I have a lot to learn!
I'm a fourth time Mom and I still feel like I have a lot to learn! Looking forward to reading more from you.
in my opinion, cosleeping is what's best and natural for the baby. i highly doubt cave people were putting children in a seperate part of the cave. some might argue that modern day life doesn't require cosleeping, but I would argue that modern babies need it now more than ever.
So true! I completely agree. I also think modern babies need as much time as we can give them.
I love your analogy about the caves. So true.
Thanks for commenting.
This is my wife right now. We have a XL King because on any given day all 4 kids are in bed with us.
That's beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing. We bought ourselves a new bed not long before our daughter was born. I tried to convince my partner to get a Large King but he was stubborn and we stayed with a Queen. Now he complains about lack of room in the bed! Maybe we will upgrade soon.
I shared a family bed for many years with our children before it was fashionable as they are all now in their late 30's and early 40's. I believe that experience instills security and confidence in children. Nice post!
Thanks so much. Wow, your children are very lucky to have you as their mum. I bet they loved sharing your bed. I agree, from what I've read it does help with their confidence. Thanks for commenting.
I can relate. I co-slept with my baby. I couldn't walk straight or pick her up when l was sleep deprived. And she slept longer and didn't cry when she slept next to me.
Yes, she's so much happier now than she was. It really confirmed to me that it was the right thing for us. Thanks for commenting.
Have you ever thought about this for an option which would allow more space for you and your husband or partner? You would just have to find a local woodworking man or shop and show them this picture and they could I am sure easily build this for you. I believe that some Ammish families had used these for the fussy periods. Just a thought.
Hi, thanks so much for this. I'll show him and see what he thinks. It's a great idea so I'm keen.
Thanks for sharing. It would be great because the cot takes up heaps of space in the bedroom.