The Art of Drowning My Sorrow

Once in a while, I chug down a bottle of beer or a bottle of wine when I'm feeling fine. I wait for the moment when I start becoming free to be myself more. I already feel free when I'm sober but I'm freer when I'm intoxicated. Gone are the days of worrying about what others would think if I'm caught alone at a bar, or asking someone if it's fine to be caught alone at a bar with a glass of White Russian or having to obsess with what to wear so I would not look dumber while alone at a bar with a glass of White Russian. At the end of the day, nobody cares. I am my perfect drinking buddy. This is the time of my life that there's no right way to do things anymore. I figure out that there's sweet freedom in being my mind. There's just no way out of it anymore.

When the afternoon sky looks fiery and mysterious enough, I go down to this beach close to my place lined with some posh and not too posh bars. The locals don't have the confidence to hang around here. I like this beach better as it is not as crowded as in the main town where the lower and middle-class meet and pretend they get along. There's just the annoyance of not being able to do some things due to security as the whole stretch is being developed by the powerful oligarchs. It means that trees were cut, wild animals went somewhere, some people lost their homes and all that. The only best thing here is that I can be alone with my thoughts but of course there's always the lingering judgment from a distance.

From time to time whenever I hit the achievement level of some kind, I try to choose between some posh and not too posh bar, and of course it depends how well I performed in my life recently. I have the luxury of being able to enjoy the sea with both the sunset and beer. After all, if I am going to drink alone, I might as well start while there's still a reason to drink. The great thing in this newfound freedom is that there's no pretense of doing something anymore and the whole awkwardness that comes with it, like looking at my phone or reading a book or God-forbid working on my laptop. It is just me and my mind. Observing, feeling and thinking.

I realized that I, too, deserve to drown my sorrow sometimes. Sunset or no sunset, sorrow is enough reason to take pleasure in the art. I think people should be free to drink and be lonely, just not excessively. In fact, I feel like I'm happier when I feel lonely. It is just ridiculous to see someone in front of me bouncing around feeling happy, it looks like a big joke. It looks mad.

I stare at the sea right in the process of drinking and feeling lonely, then the sea stares right back at me. Between the moment of drinking and staring at the sea, all sorts of things visit my mind. Who needs company when my mind is too occupied? It sounds mad but hey, I find freedom in not giving a shit anymore. Absolute freedom mind you. Like when I go outside and my hair still looks like I've just woken up, there's also the freedom in looking wasted without a reason.

Gone are the days that I worry about looking pathetic in front of the world. I actually am and who cares? I don't worry anymore that a man will pass by and say, "don't think about him". It's kind of a lame local joke that stigmatizes a woman who is alone and staring into the void. It is assumed that I'm thinking about a man as if there's nothing else in this life to think about.

Now the all-sorts-of-things that occupy my mind between the moment of drinking and staring at the sea, are either some characters in the past and some grand things that are about to take place in my life. When I start feeling the effect of alcohol, I stare more and more into the emptiness. It feels liberating. It's like an art. The world stares right back at me. As if thinking, you are so mad. So mad. I am becoming the mad world.

Gone are the days that I have to think about what they are thinking. This is the time of my life that I'm free to enjoy the process of drinking and feeling lonely. To just focus on what I'm thinking. To enjoy the moment between drinking and staring at the sea. To revel in my madness because madness is freedom. Why do I have to be boxed into this jungle of rules and other sorts of things that make life complicated, or that make life like a prison? There is the endless sea where I'm free to stare right into it and make something out of it. All in the process of drinking and feeling lonely, staring into the sea and freely entertaining the monsters that reside in the depths of my imagination.

I think there's no right way on how to drown my sorrow. I just found a better style that works for me, for now, it frees me. It's like an art. It's not everyday that I get to drink and stare at the sea at the same time, this is something special. Sometimes it happens separately, the drinking and staring at the sea. There are times that I just drink but there's no sea. There's no vast repository for my troubled mind. There are times I just stare at the sea but there's no special feeling in it, not like when I'm intoxicated. Under the influence, there are more movements. More things happening but in slow motion. It's like a big party in my mind. I dread the moment it will wear off but I try to remember. I try to remember as even the passing monsters in those moments are quite writable. The party is writable. Everything.