The Absurdity of Everything

Today as I was absentmindedly walking around my city, I realized the absurdity of everything. Perhaps it was just my grief making its way up to my brain. Numbing and blocking the pain temporarily. I saw myself alone in the middle of a crowd. People can certainly make you feel alone and even make you question your own existence. I was surrounded by strangers trying to make themselves significant day by day. All the competition for attention. I was just there, fading in the background. There's freedom in not exerting any effort in making myself important to the rest of the world.

Everyone was walking fast to catch the next train. I will go back to my other reality soon and I will enjoy the reality of city life for now. I must admit that I miss it too, however hellish. I know it's strange to think that some of us passengers will die soon too, who would have thought? Lives will soon be forgotten. We are all just passengers anyway. The Reverend asked some question during my mum's funeral, and my uncle answered quickly, "whoever's the first to go". He only meant that they now face the reality of death and the uncertainty of everything. Total mindfuck, isn't it? It will be a quick countdown, my mum was just the first to go, sadly. And I dread losing them too. It makes me not want to be the one to stay. I hate the feeling of being abandoned. I'm just as needy as my cat. I started telling myself that it's better to be the first to depart than to be the one witnessing everyone departing. Everything seems like a passing show now. People coming and going. Departing. Arriving somewhere, some infinite blackness or something. Who knows which station now? Life passed just like that, quite absurd. Quite meaningless.

Suddenly I was being attentive of my own consciousness. I was fully aware of the moment and the meaninglessness in everything. Where does it end? I was tired of the pain until all I have left were unanswerable existential questions while inside the train. Life is quite laughable, don't you think? You just take it then it's up to you to create your own meaning. The process can be exhausting.

I sat beside other fellow human beings who have the capability to make life less unbearable for each other. But we were just like ants in the train station. Moving, passing and nothing more. Will we even connect later somewhere in the vast, cold universe? Were they thinking what I was thinking that moment? That's the tragedy I guess. We don't know. We have no answers for everything. It makes existence even more absurd. And maybe we can just leave it like that. Absurd.

Everything is confusing. People create ideas, things, religion to give some meaning to life. To make it even more interesting yet confusing. People are poisoned by the misery of our times. There must be some kind of hope in there. I remember a friend told me that it can be hard not to have some spirituality, religion or some sort. It's like resorting to accepting the nothingness of everything.

I had a think about how long can my mind handle all these thoughts. I acknowledge the possibility that one day it'll be too heavy that it will break. I hate naming whatever inner demon is in there, following me wherever I go. The thought that I exist because I have some reason and other logical things to do in this life can be enough for now. If I am to accept the question ' why bother?', it also makes sense at some point. In this world, you can't just exist without doing anything, you have to contribute. However absurd everything is, you still have to do something. And make use of your own freedom to create some meaning in your own life. It's up to you.

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Last Year

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