People are Strange

I have no idea how I got here, it's dark, friendless and empty. I'm still a member of the society though and can be civil when I'm around with human beings. I can be polite and friendly. Just don't push me to be downright rude enough for you to really know what's on my mind. And shout out to the world how mankind is truly abominable. Don't expect me to see the good in people. Don't expect me to be high and positive. Don't expect me to be perfect. Don't expect. I've reached the prime of misanthropy after years of continuous disappointment, existential angst and unlimited frustration of living amongst those I revile. I guess the feeling is mutual.

Don't get me wrong though, I listen attentively, talk to you in a patronizing voice, look extremely likeable and charming as hell. I will sit down and listen to you as you empty my being. Deep down, I'm calculating, hating and killing you in my mind. Suddenly, I just want to go home. I know I rant about my isolation but I feel like it's lonelier when others make you feel unappreciated and insignificant. It is hard not to want to be significant. It's human nature to desire to feel good. But the more I try to meet new people, the more I appreciate my solitude. The more I appreciate my personal space, self-reliance and the company of my cat. The more I have more patience in trying to get the pesky fly out of my home. Oh yes, I feel like wanting to be with people and not wanting to be with them at the same time. I enjoy the company of someone intensely because I usually avoid the company of others. I will enjoy the company of someone who does not enjoy the company of others. We'll connect deeply by seeing the negatives in others.

I figure that the greatest challenge of starting this venture is building a relationship with people. What have I gotten myself into? God, I hate small talk but I have to be seriously charming and be such a psycho to seal the deal. I realize it is better not to build friendships or personal relationships with those I am going to deal with as cold as it sounds. Their disappointing characters will not make them a close friend material. I just want to keep them at arm's length because it is hard to turn a business partner into a friend or vice versa. Sure there might be a few ones out there but there's harm in trying. I will be disappointed many times first before I meet that 1 in a million. I have few friends I can put up with, their flaws are the only things I can tolerate. They treat me not as important now because apparently, their girlfriends come first. But I love them so much that I would have to accept the fact that they have moved on with their lives without me.

If I really want to make this happen, then I would have to go through all the trouble of connecting with those who will make this happen. I wish to just hire someone to do the job but it is going to be very difficult if I don't go through the challenge first. There would be all sorts of personalities out there and masters I cannot outshine, for now. The real getting out of my comfort zone is staying in the discomfort zone. There's no moving or traveling to another place and saying 'see you never!".

I find the people in this online community the only likeable ones so far. But I am sure that if you choose to live here, then you would start getting to know the shit of people and complain about their stupidity too. I would probably agree with you at some point but deep down I would start hating you for your superior disdain. I hate the third wheel. Did you know that one of the reasons I am trying to become financially stable is so I could finally go out and not have to put up with how people behave with other people? But I know that once I have gotten out, I will still face the inevitable reality that people are the same everywhere. Wherever I am, I will ask myself again and again, "Why still bother?". It's a hit or miss that's why. I still hope that somehow there's still hope, that I still expect people to be better or to care however disappointing it is to expect. I will still put myself out there ready to be beaten because I put human race on a higher pedestal expecting them to care about things beyond physical gratification. I will still hope that there's still sanity and goodness in the world worth living for.

I don't know if it's my superiority, ego, low self-esteem or just paranoia that contributed to this ever-growing hatred of mankind. I'm easily put off and I dwell on the negatives of others. I can sense it 5 meters away. I have developed a good judgment of people. I have become extremely judgmental, misanthropy is for safety. I inevitably am continuously disappointed with the reality. I don't even know why am I writing here. It is probably just an attempt to save face and find that hope still exists. That a lover of mankind is the true hater of mankind. I am aware that as I am becoming aware of other people's shit, I'm also becoming aware of my own shit. I see my own reflection. I also possess whatever it is that I hate in others and perhaps hating everyone means hating myself. I am part of everyone.