Life After Death

It has been such a tough week for me, dealing with grief and the other realities of death. My mum didn't have any insurance or the luxury of preparing for death or anything that we could afford. I have no choice but to cash my cryptos at this point. I honestly don't care anymore what happens after. As if anything matters anymore. I'm faced with all the pain and regret that I could have given all these money I'm spending for her funeral while she was still alive, that could have probably kept her alive. I wish that her death was something acceptable, that we had a loving relationship or that we had a time-well-spent together. Or that I had at least uttered my last few words and I could have heard hers too. And that I was beside her and could have saved her. Or that it was not such a sudden death. There's still some unfinished business there and it's too hard for me to take now. Something I have to bear for the rest of my life. If there's still anything left for the rest of my life. I am devastated. It's just too late... too late. Don't wait before it's too late.

Last night, as I was trying to keep up with the tradition of staying awake for the dead, I was getting more curious about the idea of life after death. I'm reading more about it now. I'm not as religious as my uncles (mum's brothers) but there's a part of me that is seriously wishing it is true. I'm getting more interested in trying to know the answer even though I know that nobody knows anything for sure. The only way to know is when you reach the end. Will it be a massive blackness and infinite sadness or there would be some bright light at the end of the dark tunnel? Will I meet my dead loved ones and fix things? I'm left here trying to figure out the mystery. I'm left here wanting to just see it for myself. I wish I could change the past or go to some other dimension to see our memories imprinted somewhere. Will it be such a waste to leave and bring my consciousness to another state? Will there even be consciousness after my last breath? I am just one of the many who desperately wants to know the answer. Now how can I possibly live with the guilt?

"You have become so westernized". A really good friend came to the wake last night and told me the shocking truth. We both know that the label does not mean positive here. You can't just simply attend the funeral and move on with your life. Please excuse my words but honestly, the label only means, being unempathetic, self-absorbed, individualistic and selfish. I can be or live with them but I never wish to be part of the group, ever. Back to the roots now. Sometimes I think of all this chase for self-improvement and "making yourself happy" they all preach about can do the trick. And I realized it won't. The cure to unhappiness and all the depression in the modern society is simply to SHARE. It does not matter where you are from, you need other human beings.

I had enough of the blame game and all the justifications in my head. It is me and me alone. I dread leaving my city to go back to the island to face myself. To face the possibility that my mind could kill me. I don't even know if living through it and punishing myself could do the job. I'm only a bit distracted these days as I try to connect with my remaining loved ones and relatives to make up for the lost time with them. I'm no longer their little niece, and they too are getting old. I'm faced with the reality that I might lose them someday and I can't bear with such loss anymore. I'm happy that they were close to my mum before she died. I'm only taking comfort in that mum was cared for and loved by those people around her during her last days. And that she was happier. I was told that during her last moments she said that she wanted to die for she was very tired, and I respect her wish. Because life is just full of pain. No matter how much you convince me that it is beautiful. It can be unbearable for most. I learned that my mum later in life became a very generous person, as I was told by her close friend. She was giving her stuff to her neighbors and other kids. Everyone likes her. Perhaps she was trying to make it up. My deepest regret is that I was not there the whole time, during her best version.

My mum could not wait for my plans any longer but I still have my sister and other bother left. My other brother could not care for himself due to his autism and it's something I haven't written about. I had been escaping my reality for years. I told my friend last night that I just want to make this business happen, make a lot of money and give everything to them. After that, I don't want anything anymore. Nothing. Just like the rest who left this world, I'm done with all the pain too. I'm up for another great adventure.