I'm Still Dreaming

“The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. Because, if you can do that, you can do anything.” -Waking Life

How's everyone? I hope everyone's still dreaming. Still dreaming about the kind of life you want. Still dreaming that your dreams will soon come true. Are you doing something about it too? Because I think it will be such a shame to just let our days pass half-awake without doing anything about it. I know it's hard. Some days I feel like giving up. But the great thing about life is all the infinite possibilities of our dreams. If you come to think of it, it's exciting that we can actually do anything.

I haven't been active here not that I am really busy. It's just that there are way too many distractions. I mean literally, all the people and the noise around me. My own mental noise too. As much as I want to write every day to release my pent up emotions, it's just hard. I think someone out there can relate and benefit from the chaos of my own thoughts. I'm sorry that you don't get to read it every day now.

I'm still dreaming of a better life. Better life like a life suited to me. I dream about moving to my own home where it'd be silent and complete. I'll just be writing away and living my life. I'll have a cat and a dog and plenty of books. I will travel when I want. I will stay in when I want. It will be quiet or there will be music. I will have my own garden. I will eat simple food. If that is not enough, what is? Do you have the same kind of dream?

Silence is a luxury these days. I notice when I'm quiet the sound gets amplified. Everyone seems to be wanting to be with everyone. Nobody likes to be alone. Nobody likes to stay still. People have been the goal of most people. To have you, to make you, to destroy you. Some people even punish you for not having you. They are good at making you feel that you are alone. To be honest, I only feel alone when I'm with the wrong people. I learned that it's always the lesser of two evils. To live alone is hard but to live with others is the worse. In life, I have to choose the less painful.

Right now, the least I can do is to be quiet. To observe what's happening around me. Most days, I am just observing instead of being an active participant. After a few months of being where I am, I learned more about human behavior. I notice that they tend to guilt you to need them. Sure, I do need them. Some of them. I can't pretend that I don't need anyone. Even to my deathbed, somebody has to clean my remains. I wish I will know that someody because I will be very grateful. At one point in my life of living with others, I found out who the real ones are. Surprising! From 8 down to 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2...Because the bigger your circle are, the faker you are. I notice that real people barely have friends. But I'm happy to have one or two left. It's easier more than ever to remove new people in my life. At the end of the day, I am my own ally.

Things are slow at the moment. I still believe that life will be better soon. All bad things will end. And all good things too. Knowing this makes me more resilient to life's disappointments. People come and go. Everything is changing, ending.

Sometimes I focus too much on the future that I forget to live for today. Sometimes I focus too much on the present that I forget about tomorrow. It can be confusing to want everything at the same time. It can be confusing to be in between.

If you're still dreaming like me, don't stop. You are not alone.