Be Brave to be Vulnerable

Life is hard for everybody and it takes guts to face the world every day. You try to put a strong face just so you won't be judged for how you truly feel. You feel alone yet you're afraid to be vulnerable. It sucks to be hurt by someone else. You put your ego at stake. The truth is you can't really form a meaningful relationship without some degree of vulnerability. You just have to open up at some point or another.

I think my fear of vulnerability is heavily influenced by the earliest relationships I had. Perhaps it was because I was deprived of adequate attention, were given mixed messages in my past relationships or abandoned in my early years. Now I tend to expect the same painful treatment from everyone else in this world. I've been struggling inside but I avoid any romantic relationships altogether so I can remain in control.

I see myself being afraid to open up to new people that I can only count on one hand friends I can truly trust. Those who've seen my best and absolute worst. They've seen me laugh, cry or do some stupid shit. I have nothing to hide from them. I can't imagine being vulnerable to anyone else.

As I get older, I realized how hard it is to open up to others and so I feel like suffocating inside this hard shell I've created. I feel like it is normal to avoid situations where I might just get injured. As a result, I remain on high alert for disappointment.

I am proud to have created a life that lets me function on my own. I have everything that I need and I should now feel complete. But that is not the case, material things are not enough to make me happy. The race to achievement can be exhausting. Sometimes I also want to share the pain and struggle in order to continue. My mind whispers a lot of things that I lack most days. That nagging emptiness I try so hard to deny. I know the void is not going to be filled if I don't take the risk of being vulnerable.

I can list all the things that I fear - rejection, lack of reciprocity, betrayal and the loss of my power. Even though if I feel secure at the moment, I am still wary of forming human connections. I feel that it is important to be aware of my own fears.

Daring to be vulnerable in a society that teaches you to cover your flaws and portray a perfect life is actually being brave. The real strong people are not afraid to put themselves out there. Surely, you can choose what you feel and what you don't. But blocking out the bad won't let you take in all of the good. If you choose to keep out the hurt and sadness, then you are only preventing yourself from feeling the happiness you're worthy of.

This time around, I should no longer be afraid to be vulnerable. I know I fall easily and I love people over the little things. I see the best in them. It is fine to get attached and I want to give myself the freedom to feel. I no longer want to force a fake smile, it's fine to look sad. It is fine to say that I'm not alright sometimes. I'm comfortable opening up to people I trust. I can feel free to be myself without fearing judgment. I care deeply about things. I'm comfortable crying over the things that upset me because it makes me feel good. I want to be brave enough not to push away all of my emotions. Brave enough not to constantly replace sadness with anger. Brave enough to admit that I'm upset instead of trying to appear strong when deep down, I'm only falling into pieces. Being vulnerable means that I'm not a superhuman. I'm not indestructible. It is fine to need someone else. I'm just a beautiful mortal full of flaws.