Movie review: Hellboy (2019)

Today, I'm going to be reviewing and going over the masterpiece of soggy ass known as Hellboy. I honestly am not even sure where to begin with talking about this movie. I mean, don't get me wrong. This film does have its good points here and there. But, it has well deserved the shit it got from critics and audiences alike since its release. There were plenty of moments throughout where I felt like I was having a moist scrotum smacking me in the eyes. The movie is absolutely unapologetic with its shlock and edge. The film genuinely seems like it was written by a group of emo teenagers who were hanging out in a basement getting high, and then just decided to write and make the most edgy movie they possibly could. There's a certain sense of charm for me while watching this film. Now, that might be a kind of charm that makes me want to twist my nipples, but, its a charm nonetheless. 

 

So, lets get the worst out of the way first. The writing of this film is the equivalent of someone tongue fucking the stinkiest of all dirty assholes in the land. The dialogue is abominably bad throughout the entire film, and never gets even a fraction better. The one liners were most definitely the worst I'd ever heard throughout my 26 years of existence on this planet. I would go as far to say that a discount childrens show like Beetle Borgs had better one liners than this film. Besides the one liners, it often felt like they would write the characters lines in just as an attempt to see how often they could have them say the word fuck. It got somewhat fucking annoying fucking fairly quickly, you fucking fucks. 

The characters are written so poorly, that they're almost nothing beyond just being shallow figures who yell curse words out. I genuinely didn't like a single character throughout the film besides Hellboy, and I think that's just because I have a bit of a soft spot for David Harbour as well as the Hellboy character itself.  None of the humor attempted by said characters works, at all. The characters are also thrown at you non stop with new people being constantly introduced, to the point where my potato brain couldn't even remember all the god damn people they'd shown. But, hey, that's alright. You know, on the count of pretty much all the characters getting a bukkake of brutality ejaculated onto their face where they die shortly after being introduced. 

Another issue that this film has is that it went to the suicide squad school of using absurd amounts of flashbacks, as well as using music to try and hype up every god damn scene. I believe there are 5 flashbacks in total, and by the final one I was gripping my soft cock in hand praying that maybe some guy in BDSM gear might come out and drug me with chloroform. Oh, and about the music. You probably would assume we'd get some metal music for Hellboy, right? Well, the movie decides to lay a fat shit in your ears instead by using pop punk/synthwave music for everything instead. I honestly think they kinda dropped the ball there, but I'm also a whore for metal music so I guess I was just a bit bummed with their music choices. 

Hellboy's pacing is all over the place which is another key issue I had with the movie. It felt like Michael J Fox was the editor for this, and that he just draped his penis onto the editing bay and twisted everything up. It goes from 0-100 pretty much instantly, and the first third of the movie feels very disjointed. You never really feel like Hellboy has earned his keep either throughout the film. He constantly gets his shit kicked in, then somehow comes out on top whether that be someone stopping his battle or him just getting lucky. I just felt like it didn't feel right with the rest of the movie, and kinda was lame for the character. 

I suppose the final thing I'll touch on in regards to the complaining is that I felt like the CGI at times was literally comparable to watching the Power Rangers unfold on the silver screen. The CGI used for the changeling boar demon especially was stinky ass for pretty much the entire movie, I honestly felt like he would fit in perfectly popping out of Rita's butthole and trying to smash some Power Ranger nuts and butts. The majority of it was pretty acceptable, but occasionally it was just bad. On a related note, the slowmo scenes were also really fucked up. I'm not sure what was up with those exactly, it felt like during the rendering process someone spilled their diamond infused water into the editing bay. It's just terrible, and again added to the shit CGI issues. But, lets move on to the boner inducing points of the film, eh? 

 

I absolutely loved the insane amounts of gore throughout the movie. It was entirely unneeded, and I'm not sure why some of it was in there, but my god, is it fucking glorious. Eyeballs are eaten, people are torn in two, penises are skinned back like a banana while a gorilla watches in excitement there's just a fuck ton of comical gore in the movie, to the point where I was busting a gut several times when I probably shouldn't have been. I've seen some people saying the gore was just boring or they thought it unnecessary. Well, to that I must say you're probably a fucking turbo virgin, pusscake. The gore made up for the horrible comedy aspects this movie missed, and I honestly think helped make it watchable, at least for me. It was just pretty damn entertaining for me. 

Another aspect of the movie that I really enjoyed was the color palette of the movie and the visuals they used. The tone of color fit perfect for the movie, and the aesthetic just fit with everything pretty well. While I think Del Toro's movies did it a bit better (Particularly the second film), I can't fault this movie in anyway for that. In addition to that, the designs they used for all the demons and characters was actually pretty damn good. Hellboy looked very fitting, and I enjoyed his design as much as I did with the one Perlman had in the old films. I can definitely say that my eyeballs were given a good old handjob, (but, you know, in eyeball form) from the visuals in this movie. 

The action in the film was done pretty well for the most part, though there were several times where it was kinda on the goofy side where you'd have to decipher what the fuck was going on. Some of the fights actually gave me a tiny flashback to Berserk, which I'll take as a compliment since Berserk is god damn magnificent. I could also talk about the acting, which I thought was just okay. It's nothing great, and some people just do a flat out phoned in job, but there wasn't anyone's acting that was particularly just dropping its pants down and spraying moist farts into my dinner. It wasn't a huge positive in the movie for me, but it could have been much, much worse. 

 

So, would I say this is a good movie? Fuck no. I think you're probably a knuckle dragging troglodyte who puts pcp into your eyes if you think this movie is good. However, I would say this movie falls into the category of being so bad it's good. The film is such an oddity that I'm slightly fascinated with what they've done, in a way. It's definitely in the camp of films like Miami Connection, The Room, etc. It is the complete opposite of what we got with Del Toro's Hellboy movies, but I don't fault it for going that route. But, here is the question all two of you are waiting for me to answer. Would I recommend the movie? Yes, I would! (So long as you have an idea of what you're about to get into) 

But, for the love of God/Buddha/Cthulhu/Whatever entity you believe in, if they're somehow going to make another one like they baited at the end of the movie, please fire the team who wrote the dialogue/the story, the director who is an idiot, as well as the editors. Then, and only then, will you probably have something that isn't a financial failure.