Why Am I Still Alive?

It is a one million dollar question but it is just unfortunate that I am still struggling and is pain right not. The worst is yet to come because I know, I experienced it ad still experiencing right now. Now my left hand is acting up, not much that it is bothering me but I know that it is just a prelude to what happened to my feet joints that lead to me being unable to walk anymore. I am just dependent on a government-granted wheelchair that I thought that I would never use and yet I was already using it extensively for my mobility from going to point A to point B even though the distance is just a few feet away.

A long time ago my quest was to just for the dialysis to take adequate amount of water from my system just enough for me to last without feeling so ill until the next dialysis. My dialysis nurses many years ago would not do that so i am just kind of cheating telling them what my weight pre-dialysis heavier than what the weighting scale says so and if I didn't they will just take out water from my system in amounts that is not adequate enough so it gives me a bloated feeling.

Being bloated before didn't give me the signs of breathlessness because the issue back then was the mediocre dialysis that I am getting and I actually wasn't able to get a good dialysis after many years when I learned that my current dialysis center is offering a highflux dialyzer. From then on I am not getting the ammonia breath anymore. But during my forst years being a patient I was really broke and only relies on my brother's financial support so I can never afford these medicines and other expenses that I am able to pay right now.

But I think what is keeping me alive besides from the will of God is my determination to achieve my goals and total self control and being patient. Now that I managed to let myself tell and make it happen on how much fluids that my renal nurses have to take off from my body, my problem of being breathless in-between sessions is now solved although I still have to control my fluid intake.

That thing could extend my life but I guess that I will die as soon as my backbone breaks and it is certain that it would if I am not to get the surgery that I needed to make my bones re-mineralize. I just wished that I have a more supportive family or relatives but unfortunately I have none which explains my situation now. If only I didn't get this kind of health trouble I would have been in a better condition both physical and mental. Dialysis I thought was a big deal but I am problemizing a much bigger monster within me and that issue rocks me from my foundations.