It Is Just Madness For Me To Continue My Life

What is moving me to continue with my life? My fear of the lingering death, that is the definitive answer. It is because it ia hard to die having to stop to my dialysis treatments, first I would get bloated, then I would experience coughing and difficulty in breathing as fluids build-up in my system. Then the nausea kicks in, I mean the worst nausea there is.

I would vomit until no more thing would come out until bile comes out. That is what I had experienced before I took my first dialysis, your body is trying to let out poison but it couldn't because the poison is in the blood caused by lethal levels of creatinine, it also makes the person crazy and out of his mind in the process.

What kills the patient would be drowning with their own body fluids because the lung gets saturated with water and it is a long process of death and even animals doesn't deserve to die in that way, not even criminals and yet it happens in dialysis patients.

Certainly suicide is not an option because I believe in God, because taking my own life is forbidden although I know that I was dead already many years ago, I am just being bridged with my life because of our current technology which is dialysis and medicines.

The Bible Says

"Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts."-Proverbs 31:6

Maybe I can just make myself sleep during the process when I would finally decide to stop going for my dialysis so I won't get aware that I would be dying because I will sleep it off. Tranquilizers can do that, it blanks-up your mind. I should not be coming out from that or else I would get into trouble psychologically and of course you would wake up in flameless hell if that happens. So if I were be put to sleep Iit must be continuous sleep until I die. That is I think not suicide because you will just be made to sleep until nature runs its course.

Barbiturates in the other hand makes you get into a comatose state, the brain will show almost have no brain activity if you happen to overdose with it. You will be literally in a comatose state, you will not dream but be in a condition as if you are already dead.

It sucks to even think about these things but you cannot blame me because of the nature of my medical situation and condition. If it weren't for the pain issues and the deformities that I am experiencing then being a dialysis patient is very tolerable. But it isn't the case because my bone condition is getting worse day by day as evidenced by my pain issues.

This is not how life must be lived, I am blaming my heart not conking out soon so now I am suffering and this kind of torture which there is no clear of a sign that I can breakthrough from it. But I must be strong about it and of course everything has a breaking point, I do not know how much longer I could wait.