Dear Diary: I Just Overslept Myself Today Because I Don't Feel Well

I slept at around 4:00 AM because I wanted to be more sleepy when I do go for a sleep otherwise I won't be able to sleep at all. Then everytime I would wake up I would again sleep some more because I am not feeling well enough with my breathing.

It is my way of running from discomfort because at least when I am asleep I will not feel things that bother me both physically and mentally. I still have the will to live and it is funny that I think that way despite my hardships in this lifetime.

It is actually pointless to live and try to live with odds against you but I don't know, my body just keeps on going and going. Sometimes I hate my body very much because it just won't let go.

My dialysis is just 7:00 hours away and i can't wait again for a little relief. I remember this instance when I can't breathe, my heart it seems is failing with its beating and after I requested my dry weight to get adjust I felt better again.

It was the instance that my dry weight dropped significantly so I have to adjust to it by requesting water to get drawn out from my body. Fortunately my nurses are easy to talk with and abides to my wishes. But not this time because they are hard to talk to right now, they are the third generation already from the nurses that dealt with from when I started dialysis in that center.

I am just afraid of dying while I am aware of it but I am okay with dying today if that would be fast but a lingering death is hard to deal with and so that issue haunts me that's all. I hope God will help me in his ways.