Dear Diary: I Am Preparing For Dialysis Today And I Am Not So Breathless

I hope that my blood pressure won't crash so that I will get the optimal dialysis since I only am using the small high flux dialyzer that affected my appetite and it made me not to have much appetite since it just does less cleaning than my previous size of a bigger dialyzer. They changed the size without my knowledge so it makes me angry.

I am just thankful and grateful that I am not breathless on my bed unlike the previous months where it is hard to breathe even while staying immobile. But as with simple body movements like when I am walking even in short distances just makes me want to die in misery considering that I am weak too and it adds insult to injury.

It is just my wish and hope for things not to get any worse than this because I can handle it but any more further disability is just to hard to endure and I may have to give up. I just wish that my leontiasis won't give me another set of problems because of its progressive nature which I have to manage with my Cinacalcet.

For now I am just managing it all with my gift of physical and mental endurance and will just entertain my mind so I won't think of it too much. I am determined to reach my goals of self preservation and immersion from these ailments so that at least I have something to look forward to.