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It's Friday night, and that means it's time once again for THE PLAYHOUSE, your weekly dose of Steemian sketch comedy! Hosted by @CarrieAllen and myself, each week we perform original comedy sketches on The Playhouse!

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With the help of the STEEMSTAR DISCORD SERVER, anyone with a mic and a voice can play along in our hilarity! Join us!

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Today I'm thrilled to bring you Episode 8: "Beta Than You"

THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN - Episode 8 - “Beta Than You”
By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Beginning and ending.
GOBLIN SORCERER - Behind the bar.
UNDEAD PRIEST - Had too many.
DIVINE HEALER - Pretty condescending.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The original and best.
BETA LORD - The beta version of the Lord of Darkness.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

NARRATOR
In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the monsters are becoming restless. Some of them are aching for a fight, knowing that battles are coming soon. Tonight, the Goblin Sorcerer is tidying up the bar while listening to the drunken railing of an overly aggressive Undead Priest.

UNDEAD PRIEST
(A Little Drunk) I’m telling you, I can take any one of these monsters! Lemme at ‘em!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sure, buddy, sure. No one’s saying you can’t. But I’ve got a bar to run here. I’m sure the Flesh Golem over there would love to have the who can beat up who conversation with you.

UNDEAD PRIEST
Oh, I can beat him up for sure. I mean look at me… No, no, seriously, look at me. I’m undead. I mean, can you even handle it? I mean, c’mon you guys…

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m the only one you’re talking to.

UNDEAD PRIEST
You don’t even know! I’m the undeadliest Undead Priest.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You sure are, buddy. Why don’t you go sit down for a few minutes.

DIVINE HEALER
Excuse me, but do you have a smoothie menu?

GOBLIN SORCERER
A smoothie me- Are you kidding me? I don’t have any kind of menu. And who even are you?

DIVINE HEALER
I am the Divine Healer. This is my first visit to your… establishment.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Here’s the deal. We got all sorts of drinks. There’s plenty of everything, it’s all free and I mostly use magic to make the drinks. Are you okay with all that?

DIVINE HEALER
Magic, you say? I afraid I cannot partake. You see, I’m from the White Splinter--

GOBLIN SORCERER
Why am I not surprised?

DIVINE HEALER
-and we do not believe in magic. All is granted in love and light through the divine power of the great goddess Khymia.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sounds to me like you’re in a cult.

DIVINE HEALER
I am able to use the divine powers of healing when I invoke the holy name of Khymia, who, by the way, grants us all things through Her divine loving light and lighting love.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Now it just sounds like you’re talking out of your ass.

DIVINE HEALER
I get that a lot.

GOBLIN SORCERER
If you’re not gonna order you better move along. Thanks for coming by!

DIVINE HEALER
May the lovely and sparkly divine light rays of Khymia shimmer in your spirit, little sir, and may the loving, divinity with the light--

GOBLIN SORCERER
Okay, bye! (under his breath) There is no Khymia, you’re in a weird friggin’ cult.

DIVINE HEALER
What’s that?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Nothing! Goldie! The L.O.D. himself! Here he is!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey Frank! The Undead Priest just tried to pick a fight with me! I put him in timeout.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, he was in rare form. He’s been drinking like an… Undead Priest.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What do you know about beta, little man?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Excuse me? The Lord of Darkness himself is looking for info from the wee Goblin Sorcerer for a change? Usually you’re the guy with all the answers!

LORD OF DARKNESS
I know, I know. Don’t hold it against me. So what do you know about beta?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, I know things. Get this…

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah?

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s a word…

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah?

GOBLIN SORCERER
...that I’ve been hearing people say lately.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s it? It’s a word that you’ve been hearing people say lately?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, it was like I never heard this word, and then presto, I started hearing it all the time. Beta this, beta that.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Well, something big is coming. I’m willing to beta fortune on it.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Good one. Any idea what it means?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Beats the hell outta me.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well, all I can say is: you beta watch your back.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know, I’ll bet we could work this out together you and I. Two heads is beta than one.

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s getting late. Isn’t it past your beta time?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Nah, I don’t sleep. I’m the Lord of Darkness, remember?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, I know, Goldie. I thought we were just making beta puns.

LORD OF DARKNESS
(gets it suddenly) Oh! Good one, little guy. Ooh, ooh, I’ve got another one! When the Spirit of the Forest told me to come over to her place last night, I’m glad I o-beta.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, you’re taking orders from the Spirit of the Forest now?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, well, you know....

GOBLIN SORCERER
I get it. There’s more than one way to beta hook, right?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Beta… what a stupid word.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What the-- Look. what. Just. walked. In.

LORD OF DARKNESS
But that looks like me! I’m the Lord of Darkness. There’s not another Lord of Darkness! Frank, what’s going on, Buddy? There’s another Lord of Darkness!

GOBLIN SORCERER
He seems different somehow. Holy crap, he’s coming over here. Good luck, Goldie.

BETA LORD
Um, excuse me. I’m the beta Lord of Darkness. Is this where we order drinks? I’ll have a hard lemonade please. I’m sorry, was I interrupting?

LORD OF DARKNESS
What are you, dude? I’m the Lord of Darkness, so what the hell are you?

BETA LORD
Oh, you must be the Alpha Lord of Darkness. Can I get you anything?

LORD OF DARKNESS
No, Goblin Frank is the one who gets us stuff. And stop slouching! It’s pathetic; you’re making me look bad here.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Here’s your hard lemondade.

BETA LORD
Thanks, I hope that wasn’t too much trouble. And you must be Goblin Frank. Lemme know if you need any help with anything at all…

GOBLIN SORCERER
What’s with this guy?

LORD OF DARKNESS
He’s the beta version of me I guess, but it seems like I’m the beta version of him, if that makes sense.

BETA LORD
I’m not at all trying to step on your toes here. You are absolutely the real Lord of Darkness; I’m just here to learn.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I kinda like him Goldie. What do you think? I mean, he’s super helpful. Look, he’s polishing the Silvershield Warrior statue.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m not gonna lie… It’s a little weird having another twerpier version of myself walking around the joint.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t think anyone’s gonna confuse the two of you. What should we call him?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Well, he’s kind of the head honcho of the betas, right? So maybe you could say he’s the master?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Is he the master beta?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about who the master beta is. How about Darth Beta?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yes! Let’s see if he responds to it already… call him.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Darth Beta!

BETA LORD
Yes?! I came right away, what can I help you with? I love the new nickname, by the way. There was no doubt in my mind that you were referring to me. Darth Beta! Classic.

GOBLIN SOCERER
Hey Darth Beta, can you collect all the empty glasses from around the bar for me?

BETA LORD
Sure thing, alpha barkeep!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Looks like you finally got a decent helper, Frank!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yep. He’s beta than the last one, anyway.

NARRATOR
But Darth Beta is only the first of many betas that will undoubtedly find their way to the Steem Monsters Tavern, and some of the others may not be so agreeable. Will the new monsters and summoner shake things up in the Steem Monsters Tavern? I’ll beta they will! Find out what happens in the next episode of the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

THE END

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