Man, these monsters are sketchy...

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This brand new episode will on the Play House tonight!

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What's the Play House?

Run by @carrieallen and myself, this Friday night show is the only fully interactive comedy show of its kind. We spend most of the week writing material, then we throw it together into one hilarious and interactive live performance!

Anybody can play! Just pop into our SteemStar discord server to be part of the action tonight! Join our cast and perform with the likes of @EngineWitty and @SimGirl!

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Here's the latest from those crazy monsters!

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THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN - Episode 5 - “Monster Market”

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Beginning and ending.
GOBLIN SORCERER - The Bartender. Puts out fires with magic.
SERPENT OF THE FLAME - Pretty much made of fire.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Same old badass Lord of Darkness.
SILVERSHIELD WARRIOR - Kind of an idiot.
FEMALE VOICE - Strange intercom voice coming from the air.

NARRATOR
In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the monsters are really settling in. The Skeleton Assassin hosts karaoke during happy hour, where the Kobold Miner and the Divine Healer blew everyone away yesterday with their rendition of “Summer Nights” from Grease. The Goblin Sorcerer is feeling a little overworked, having constantly provided endless booze to all the monsters for weeks now. A towering Serpent of the Flame approaches the bar, spewing fire carelessly in every direction.

SERPENT OF THE FLAME
So how you doin’ today, Goblin Sssssssssorcerer?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, hey Serpent of the Flame. You know, I been better.

SERPENT
C’mon, now buddy. What’ssssssss the trouble?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well, everybody here’s having a great time and that’s fantastic. But I haven’t had a break in… the whole time. I mean it musta been weeks now of drinking endless booze and partying here in the Steem Monsters Tavern, but every single one of these monsters counts on me to get them their drinks and put out their fires.

SERPENT
I know what you mean, buddy.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t think you do. I mean, you’re literally setting my bar on fire right now. Could you back up a little?

SERPENT
Sorry about that… I’m alwaysssssss Sssssssssetting things on fire. But I promisssssssse. It’ssssssssss purely accccccccccidential…

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s cool, I’ll use magic to put the fire out. It’s a thing I can do.

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

By the way, could you try to avoid saying words with the letter S? There’s a line forming. What can I get you?

SERPENT
Ssssssssseagramssssssssss Sssssssseven and Sssssssssseven pleassssssssse.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Did you do that just to piss me off?

SERPENT
It’sssssss my favorite.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Okay okay, coming right up!

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

There you go, now move along please! Hey hey, if it isn’t my favorite dark lord! C’mon up here Goldie! Now cool it Flesh Golem, the Lord of Darkness doesn’t wait in line!

LORD OF DARKNESS
How’s it going there, Frank? Did you know there’s a frisby golf course outside?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Nope. Never been outside myself. Not since my Splinter days.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You need a vacation, man. Eat some pizza, throw some discs. I’ll bet those skinny little Goblin arms could huck a frisby pretty damn far!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Goblins are known throughout the Green Splinter for their exceptional and surprising arm strength…

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s do to it! Somebody else will cover the bar.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m sure they will, but there’s so many fire monsters in here, without my fire extinguishing magic this place’ll burn down in five minutes.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s a good point. Lotta fire for a wood building.

SILVERSHIELD WARRIOR
Excuse me, gentlemen. Have either of you seen my shield.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Damn, Silvershield Warrior! You’d lose your head if your helm wasn’t attached to your mail.

SILVERSHIELD WARRIOR
I know, I know… but the other guys will kill me if I can’t find my shield. Literally… they’ll kill me because I’ll have nothing with which to defend myself from their blows.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Missing your silver shield, eh? What color is it?

SILVERSHIELD WARRIOR
Are… you serious?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah. We can’t help you find your silver shield if we don’t know what it looks like.

SILVER WARRIOR
I have arrived at the conclusion that you are having fun at my expense, and so I must leave you now. Please alert me if you find my shield. Thank you, gentlemen!

GOBLIN SORCERER
What a tool.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I know. I threw his shield on the roof.

BOTH LAUGH

GOBLIN SORCERER
So what’s new on the monster front, Goldie?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Nothing much. The Frost Giant’s built himself a huge igloo out back. You really should see it. Frozen soldier told me he’s planning on opening a hookah lounge in there.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You don’t say.

STRANGE FEMALE VOICE
Your attention please, ladies, gentlemen and monsters of no specified gender… The Monster Market is now open and operational, and the buy/sell features are active. Please stay tuned for important updates regarding your future ownership.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Okay just what the hell was that.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Beats me. I’m not surprised by weird shit like that anymore. Least not around here.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Dude. She was talking about our “future ownership”. That can’t be good, right?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Can’t be much worse than having our memories taken away and being kidnapped from our homes and put in a mysterious tavern, whatever it is. Besides, the booze is still free so I ain’t complaining.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s true, Goldie. You always make good sense of things.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Speaking of making sense, the Twisted Jester’s been trying to teach some of the Animated Corpses to speak english.

FEMALE VOICE
Twisted Jester, Rare, currently trading at a low of $0.19 and a high of $179.00. Gold Foil Edition trading at $8.90.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That was weird. Anyway, you can’t ever understand a word they say. Hell, most of ‘em don’t even have jaws anymore.

FEMALE VOICE
Animated Corpse, Common, currently trading…

LORD OF DARKNESS
Are you kidding me?! I was talking!

FEMALE VOICE
...at a low of $0.06 and a high of $199.00. Gold foil edition trading at $375.00.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well that’s obnoxious as hell.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lemme try something. Lord of Darkness!

FEMALE VOICE
Lord of Darkness, Legendary, currently trading at a low of $8.69 and a high of $6666.66. Gold foil trading at $799.99.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You hear that? I’m so freakin’ valuable!

GOBLIN SORCERER
But what does it mean?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I don’t have a clue, but I’m that gold foil thing they said… I’m 90% sure. That means I’m a Legendary who’s trading at $799.99.

GOBLIN SORCERER
But she said the non-gold-foil version was trading at up to $6666.66… what do you suppose is up with that?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I don’t know, man. It’s a free market, just some wise-ass being a wise-ass.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You’re probably right. Alright, alright Flesh Golem! It’s your turn! I gotta deal with this guy, Goldie.

FEMALE VOICE
Flesh Golem, Common, currently trading at a low of $0.18 and a high of $45.00. Gold foil trading at $6.49.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s gonna take some getting used to. Better help him out.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, if I don’t soon he’ll start throwing body parts at me… and that starts nasty and just gets nastier. See you round, Goldie!

NARRATOR
The mysterious number-rattling voice has only been at it for a few minutes, and the monsters are not amused. They have banded together into small groups in an attempt to locate the source of the voice. Strangely, there are no speakers in the Steem Monsters Tavern. It seems every question the Steem Monsters have is quickly answered by several more questions, amplifying the thick confusion every time. We’ll see you next time, on the Steem Monsters Tavern!

THE END

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