Waiting for Poop (Comedy Open Mic #17)

If you've spent much time around horses, you know they tend to poop a lot. So when the vet requested fecal samples for parasite checks, I figured no big deal. Our horses have a free access shed and no boxes, so I can't just collect a sample from each box on the morning muck out and know whose is whose. And it isn't like the deposits of four similarly sized mares are visually distinct.

So we have to watch the horses, preferably where there isn't much manure, to be certain I collect a fresh sample from each animal. Sigh Whatever you are picturing, I assure you the actual experience was far worse. Let me describe the process for you.

_{From left: Ria, Tracy, Whitey, and Quintas (the day after we waited for poop)}

Step One: Feeding

So we start the morning by feeding. Normally they need to go pretty quickly after they've eaten. No boxes, so each horse is tied at its own feed trough.

All eat their feed and get a halter and lead. They don't normally poop inside the shed, and we want them managed coming out so poop can be identified. Yes, this story is poop-intensive, but come on, you saw the title and kept reading, so this can't come as a huge surprise.

Step Two: Tie Up

We lead them out of their pasture, across the gravel road, and into an empty section of pony pasture where we can tie them up to some panel fencing. Hubby fetches some hay for them to nibble, continuing the input-generates-output principle.

I go to prep bags. Label each with the name of each horse. Before I finish the last, hubby yells, "Hurry up! Tracy is pooping." Did I mention Tracy is his horse?

So I finish labeling her bag then hurry over. Yup, I get to grab a fistful of hot, steaming poop with my bag-covered hand, fold the bag around it, press out the air, and tie a knot. I know, you're so jealous, right?

One Down, Three to Go

Stupidly, I figured the rest would follow soon after. Seriously, if you tie up your horse, it's bound to poop. Equine nature. But not this time.

Step Three: A Hoof Trim

If you've ever held a horse for a hoof trim or shoeing, you know they usually take a poop sometime during the process. Preferably when he's working on the hinds so it really stinks and he or the horse steps in it, making a big mess out of everything.

So since the one mare still needed her before-moving-to-summer-pasture pedicure, we got out the tools and hubby went to work.

Four feet and several breaks to kill annoying flies, still no poop.

Step Four: Exercise and Grazing

Okay, we're going crazy. It's been hours, it's stinking hot, and standing around watching horses not poop is really boring. If a horse colics, you lead them around to get things moving. So we grab the leads, two each--can't leave the lone pooper alone or she'll stress--and head down the gravel road.

There is a nice patch of unused grass, so we let the horses meander and graze. Of course they keep trying to tie knots in each other's leads, beg attention, and ask for us to kill their flies for them.

Basically anything but provide poop! So inconsiderate.

By this time, a few hours have passed since we started monitoring output. It's way past time someone ought to need to potty. Hubby and I give up on this method in exhaustion, desperate for a drink ourselves. We plan to up our game.

As we head back to the pastures, Whitey finally lifts her tail and starts to go. I quickly hand off one of my horses to hubby and bag my hand with the correctly labeled bag for the next pick-up.

Another steaming fistful of poop collected.

Two down, two to go.

Step Five: More Exercise

To make life easier for ourselves, we throw the two who have delivered the needed fecal samples in their normal pasture. The other two are bound to go any minute, right?

Since wandering around wasn't enough to get their bowels moving, we try more exercise. Lungeing. This is the exercise where the horse moves around the handler in circles and the handler tries to keep the horse moving at the appropriate pace while trying not to get so dizzy she falls over or throws up.

Are we having fun yet? The horses certainly don't think so. Repeatedly telling her I'd let her off if she'd just empty her bowels didn't help for some reason. It should have been effective--they hate running in circles. It's boring. And did I mention that it's around 30 degrees C, there is little breeze, and no shade where we're working?

Soon we're all hot and sweaty--both horses and both humans--but no closer to our goal.

Step Six: Leading to Poop Spots

You can lead the horse to a toilet area, but you can't make her go.

Many non-horse people don't realize this, but horses are very systematic in how they use their pasture. They split it up into potty areas and grazing areas. You wouldn't want your toilet on your dining room table, would you?

In the desperate hope of encouraging them to go, we lead the two stubborn non-poopers to the toilet and stand around for a while. Isn't this what parents do when trying to potty train children--stick them on the potty and hope they go?

Of course this too fails.

Step Seven: Watch Them Like Poop-Starved Hawks

I bet you're getting really tired of all the excrement in this article. Imagine how tiring it is waiting its production. We are on the verge of giving up at this point. And have to put the two samples we have gotten in the refrigerator. Triple bagged it, but still... EW!!!

But the vet had stressed the importance of the samples being chilled if we had delay delivering them and it had been quite a while.

Anyway, back to the poop... We release the two nonproducers into a section of the pony pasture. Preexisting poop piles would all be pony sized and with only two it is easier to monitor who might be pooping where.

Then we set up chairs in the shade and get to watching. They drink a little water, nibble some hay, and tell the neighboring ponies their sob stories of the traumatic morning.

I plug in the wifi extender, grab my tablet, and sign on to TWB to bemoan the ridiculous situation. It takes a while, but in a moment when I'm paying more attention to my tablet, my husband suddenly releases a cheer of joy as Ria lifts her tail and makes her deposit.

Three down, one to go!

Ria is my horse--on paper as well as in reality--so definitely no rights to complain about the fact that it was again me who had to collect a third handful of steaming poop.

Step Eight: AARGH

Will that #@&π horse hurry up and poop?

So the only holdout on the quest for poop is Quintas, our only colored paint and the herd leader. We're getting impatient and frustrated, and I'm worrying about the time. The vet insisted that she needed the samples earlier in the afternoon to have time to process them before the end of the day.

First we take Ria and throw her in their usual pasture, so Quintas is more alone. Horses are very strong herd animals and don't like to be away from their usual herdmates. And, well, when they stress, they tend to poop even more than usual.

Sadly, Quintas is experienced with working away from the others and doesn't stress. Wait, did I really just say that? What sensible horse owner complains a horse not being stressed? This whole situation is twisting my mind. I've become way too fixated on fecal matter.

Since I'm out of new ideas, I go back to an old one--exercise. I try working her on a lunge again, although she hates it and the day is getting hotter and hotter. After a bit, she's sweaty, I'm dizzy, and still no poop.

I try another rerun--leading her to potty areas. She sniffs around, but refrains from emptying her bowels. I let her go again, worrying she might need more water after the workout and at a loss for what to do.

I get distracted then needing to help my husband with some panels slid by little pony stallion (the one needing a snip-snip as soon as he's grown enough) forcing himself under to graze. Just as we finish getting the panels back into place and tied up so Mr. Soon-to-be-Ballless can't work them down again, the clouds part and a beam of sunlight highlights Quintas with her tail raised.

A choir of angels begin singing the Hallelujah chorus as large equine poop pellets fall from her rear end.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating. I'm probably getting heat stroke or something. You'd think she was pooping gold nuggets.

In reality, no clouds. The sunlight is everywhere, except where there are shadows. And there are no angels--none of our animals are named that and how would they manage to sing anyway?

Reality is just two people cheering while a horse looks at us in confusion over why we're excited she pooped.

Oh, yes, and me collecting another steaming handful of fresh horse poop!

At least we're done waiting for poop. For this time. Did I mention these samples need to be collected routinely?

_{The collected fecal samples before delivery to the vet}

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To read more about @comedyopenmic, check them out and this week's contest post.

I nominate @jonknight whose efforts in SteemWars prove he is plenty funny and @anikekirsten just because I feel like it.

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