lost & found thoughts, the backup day...

This,(I don’t know how to call it), poem - I guess, was written as jurnal, as a way to dump thoughts on paper, to be able to escape them.
Most of the time I just write jurnal pages, without a clear subject that only I can understand, but I rarely re read them anyway.

Some two years ago, I was so lost, it was the worst time of my life.
I was living in Bucharest with some “friends” that were lying to me and cheating me thinking I was so stupid not to notice, they almost become a social experiment to me, I wanted to see how far they would go…(some of the lines are related to them, but unfortunately to a stereotypical majority too )
While I was living in Bucharest with this supposed friends, my father got sick (discovered he was sick), and after 3 months, trying everything knowing it was with no hope, he died.
I didn't even know how to act, I turned to stone, I pretended it was something that it was happening to another family.
I felt like running from everyone that could tell me that it was happening to me. And so I did …
I met someone, I think I even forced myself into falling in love out of grief, in a way to replace what pain was there with something else…
So I left with this semi stranger (that now is my boyfriend) to live in a almost deserted village in Danube Delta, next to the sea for 3 weeks.
Here I was with him all the time except mornings, because he wakes up at noon, so from morning to noon I was alone with my thoughts, something that I tried to avoid.
So every morning I tried to write journal pages, but I couldn’t , I would write pain and grief and hate and cancer over and over again pushing so hard on the pen ending up stabbing the pages, so I started writing memos in my phone, and because the phone format was narrow I started to write poetry instead of journal pages - 2/ 3 poems like this every day.

This is one of the last poems where I was almost “healed” and my subject was no longer death , cancer or my father.
The title referred to the car that took me away from my life, the lagoon that we visited at the sea and the way I was feeling in relation to everything.
The english translation is a try of word by word - flat, with no rhyme and almost lack everything there is in the romanian version, so this post is more for romanians , or for no one …

Yesterday I worked on a new digital painting from 9am to 11pm (home alone with nobody to disturb me ) - at 11 my computer crashed and I lost all my work …
Today I tried to recover it and couldn’t , but I recovered the information in that phone that I had 2 years ago.
The pictures were taken the same morning that I left, lost until today …

So it was the day of the back up and almost like a return in time, that is why I posted the poem today ….

LAGOON

me to you …

Today I turn into a lagoon, I hide myself in vivid waves,
To paint on that same pink moon, three transparent symbols.
And in my translucent warmth, my radius will reach you -
Today the sadness is more fade, in silly laughter the child flows.
To let again, just the naive, sweet, young most sensitive,
To guide you into the sativa, with heavy steps towards the incredible.
You think you do not understand, the first symbol I have showed you ,
But think in silence without rules, only with sence you will reach it .
All that I have to give to you is like an incomprehensible dream -
From your subconscious I draw inspiration, from everything that, to you, makes no sense.
You've opened up all your cognition, trying at last to see me -
But in feeling there should be no ambition, so just try to step back.
And if I will reach the moon, I will lead you to my trail

me to them…

Let them all see me - a lagoon, I'm not whole, but not fade eather.
Just like so they have seen me, rare, with colors in my thoughts.
They all thought me crazy, "genius" starling orbiting.
Let them see me how they are able, with all their shortcomings -
When my perspective expends, they see just an abyss in my mind.
And I'm glad to be able to compare, to understand what they don’t have,
And in the end we can all smile and pretend we understand each other.
Even when I am trying to explain myself , and I am not hiding any of my meanings,
The majority remains totally empty, and that’s why ...
How much this majority means to me?! How much do I need them?
I see them as a polluted air, as chemicals in processed food...
And they could be like gods to me, if they could open their minds,
Towards powered up emotion and energy, and they could come with me.

me to myself …

My belief is not analytical, I do not break into equations,
I'm not politically correct, I break pieces from my context.
I did not allow my conjuncture change me,
I did not worship chopped wood faces(idols)- seductive silhouettes -
Turn me into something that I am not, or to paint a different grim on my face,
In my painting I put myself first, and after I paint the sand
Even put into a box , I sketch myself first,
And the context needs to know, it has to adapt to me.
The walls that climb around me , bend and dance to my tune.
Some are standing on the axis of the world, but for me it spirals.
Curved are my limits, the circle of my world -
Thoughts of soul calm me.

the original romanian version ...

LAGUNĂ

Și acum mă fac lagună, ma ascund în unde vii,
Să pictez pe-un roz de lună, trei simboluri străvezii.
Și in translucirea-mi caldă, raza mea te va ajunge -
E tristeţea mult mai fadă, raset prost copilul curge.
Să las iara doar naivul, dulce, crud cel mai sensibil,
Să te poarte ca sativul, pas greoi spre incredibil.
Și de crezi că nu înțelegi, cel simbol dintâi ți-am spus,
Cuget mut fără de legi, doar cu simț urcă mai sus.
Tot ce-ți dau este aievea, ca un vis neînţeles -
Din subcostient iți-sug seva, tot ce-n tine n-are sens.
Și-ai deschis toată cogniția, doară doară să mă vezi-
In sensibil nu-i ambiția, ce nu poți să detașezi.

Și de-ajung de-aici la lună, las o dâră-n urma-mi caldă,
Să ma vadă toți lagună, nu-s întreagă, dar nici fadă.
Și așa m-au tot văzut, rară cu culori în gând.
Tot nebună m-au crezut, graur “geniu” orbitând.
Las să mă vadă așa, cum mai pot și ei, din lipsuri -
Largă-i perspectiva mea, ei in minte-mi văd abisuri.
Și mă bucur de ce am și compar cu ce n-aveți,
C-un suras ne salutăm, ne prefacem înţelepţi.
Și văd că de vă dau tot, nu-mi ascund nici înțelesul,
Voi rămâneți tot netot, și tot eu n-ating succesul.
Pentru mine voi contați, cât un aer poluat,
Aditivi și coloranți, cum la MEC e un aluat.
Și a-ți putea să îmi fiți zei, să vă iau cu mine sus,
Doar emoție pe țiței, şi ați ajuns unde v-am dus.

Crezul meu nu-i analitic, nu mă rup în ecuaţii,
Nu sunt nici corect politic, din context mă rup în fracții.
Pentru că nu am lăsat, conjuntura-mi schimbătare,
Chip cioplit n-am venerat, siluete înbietroare -
Să mă schimbe în ce nus, să-mi picteze altul chipul,
Pe tablou m-am pus mai sus, și apoi am pus nisipul.
Și de mă pun in cutie, tot eu prima mă schiţez,
Și contextul tre să știe, după mine adaptez.
Și de urc pereţi in juru-mi, se curbează și dansează
Uni stau pe axul lumi, spiralat mă ondulează.
Ziduri curbe, cercul lumi -
Gând cu suflet mă calmează.